Monthly Archives: May 2010

Mock the Fic: At the Corner Cafe


Be forewarned! This one is sappy and makes you want to hurl from its sweetness and out of characterness. So as a warning, if you’ve been doing some Memorial Day drinking, then wait till Wednesday to read this. Your stomach will be settled by then. And BadCastleFic may or may not have started the Memorial Day celebration early.

Stats: Title: At the Corner Cafe Author: brodie-wan Summary:Castle and Beckett have lunch at the corner cafe and discuss their relationship. Rating: K+

‘We’re friends, right Castle?”

Does she mean friends friends, or coworkers friends, or the dreaded friends with benefits?

“Yeah,” Castle replied intrigued by the question. “Of course.”

Way to dodge the bullet Castle. Kudos.

She leaned forward, elbows on the table, and eyed him intently. “But are we best friends?”

Run! NOW! Everybody, not just Castle. It’s one of those dreaded fics where she’s going to ask if he’s any good in bed!

He leaned in as well, leaving on a small gap between their noses. He squinted playfully parodying her intense look. “That remains to be seen.”

Use this warning now to get all your barf bags ready.

“How so?” she answered, curious.

Never breaking eye contact, he smiled. “One might say we are only ‘work friends’. They might ask ‘How much time we’ve spent alone or even in group outside of the job?'”

Okay how to tell if you are work friends: do you talk about anything else other than work outside of work? If no, then you are only work friends.

Her lips pouted and her eye brows knitted as she considered the comment. “A valid observation. What else might ‘they’ say?”

I swear I hope I never ever see Becks give the pouty face, ever! Dominatrix face, sure!

“They might say that, though we have had many shared experiences, some quite intense, that there still remain a tenuous foundation for a true best friendship.”

I feel my dinner coming back up for revenge.

Read the rest of this entry

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Guest Mock the Fic: Storming the Castle


Happy Holliday Sunday! I hope everyone got really drunk yesterday because the morning is here to rear its ugly head with a really bad sex fic. When I say it’s bad, I mean beyond words bad! We have sex grease (it’s like the french fry grease at McDonalds if someone masturbated in it and smeared it all over their partner). So without adieu, Becks is back to Guest mock another really bad fic for us!

Stats: Title: Storming The Castle Author: Midknight Summary: SPOILER WARNING: SEASON 1, GENERAL – After a particularly good night, Kate decides to indulge herself and makes Castle an offer he simply can’t refuse. Rating: NC17

AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first Castle fic. I apologize before hand

As well you should.


“I hope the guys get home okay.” Kate noted as Castle poured her another Scotch at her request. “I had the doorman put them in a cab with directions. They’ll be okay.” He responded and they both took a sip from their respective drinks.

Story writing 101: A new speaker gets a new paragraph.

She relaxed back on the soft, leather sofa as she watched him go off to clean up the remnants of their poker game.

Thanks for helping with the cleanup, bitch.

She’d had just a little too much to drink, they all had. The bottle of eighteen year old single malt Scotch he’d presented them with on arrival had seen to that.

What, they each got their own bottle?! Hot damn, I need to start showing up to more of Castle’s poker games.

No one had felt guilty about indulging. The drinks he had just poured them were from a fresh bottle.

It had been a good night and she was a little sorry to see it coming to an end. They’d managed to close a tricky case that very morning, once again thanks to Castle’s involvement. Kate was starting to wonder who exactly the consultant was and who the consultee.

Right, because God knows KBecks couldn’t solve a case before Castle showed up. Everybody knows women need a strong guiding hand. You know what would really improve this show? If he would hurry up and marry her so she could get her ass back into the kitchen where she belongs.

She’d always known he was a good writer, she just thought he was creative and did thorough research, but he had an amazing mind and although she’d walk over hot coals and broken glass before she admitted it.

Either there’s a random conjunction in there somewhere, or half the sentence is missing. Either way, KBecks has mentioned many times in the past that she appreciates Castle’s intelligence, when he chooses to exhibit it. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 6


Okay folks, this fic is almost done. Or at least till the author decides to write us another chapter and then we will mock it! So enjoy the second to last one of the Undercover drug story.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just

Friday Evening

Kate was standing in front of her bedroom mirror; it was only 6pm so she had about 30 minutes to get the finishing touches on her outfit for the evening. She decided to put more eye shadow on, not that she really needed much more than that, but she wanted to look perfect.

Oh mirror mirror on the wall, whose the fairest stripper of them all?

Looking herself up and down in the mirror she felt very sexy, also a little slutty thinking it might be considered to be something Nikki Heat would wear.

No! When Castle says: “What would Nikki Heat wear?” He did not mean stripper wear!

The costume for her dance was safely tucked away in a bag; there was no need to get into that until she was in the dressing room in the back of the club.

Oh why not? I’m sure the cab driver would enjoy a peak.

Beckett looked at her knee high boots and decided to put them in the bag too, she would wear regular high heels before going into the club.

I’d totally be wearing Nikes. Heals can be killer when it comes to dancing so might as well be in comfy shoes till the big dance!

Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Drunk Chapter 2


Our guest mocker Becks is back to finish chapter 2 of Drunk. I’m sure we can all have pity on Kate Beckett after this weekend’s binge drinking. At least we would if she wasn’t having one of the BEST HANGOVERS EVER! Yup, that’s right, she doesn’t feel or remember a thing folks. Now on to the guest mock!

Stats: Title: Drunk Author: TelevisionSlave Summary: When Beckett doesn’t answer her phone, Castle goes over to her apartment. He finds her drunk and in the mood. When she tries to get into his pants, Castle is faced with a choice. And then the next morning. Rating: T

Much to my surprise, I did actually fall asleep around four. Maybe it was my will to get it over with, I don’t know. It was a restless slumber, and what finally woke me was what I had been dreading ever since I tried to fall asleep on the couch.

Wait, I thought you were trying NOT to fall asleep. Now I’m confused.

Beckett. I’m pretty sure I was snoring slightly, but that didn’t matter. I was awakened to the achingly familiar call of my name, “Castle!”

Today we’ll be strangling small Third World children each time a sentence is ended with inappropriate punctuation. First up is Jose from Belize. He’s four and has a very cute lisp. Er, rather, had a very cute lisp.

After hearing my name called, I did my best to wake up fully. But I still half asleep,

I good writer. My sentence no verb.

and that was definitely not helping. Opening my eyes, my vision was blurred from sleep and all I could see was an outline of what I assumed was Beckett in front of me.

It could be Beckett. Or it could be Freddy Krueger. THE KILLER IS CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!!

Damn, she was awake.

Hopefully she doesn’t remember anything that happened after you slipped that roofie into her last Blue Moon. These morning-after-the-date-rapes are starting to get awkward. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 5


It’s that time again, time for more undercover pole dancing. I know you all are so excited and thrilled to see this story back. Have patients my intellegent readers, we are working our way up to the lines of coke snorting and making out scene. We should hit it this weekend, which gives everyone plenty of time to sharpen their sporks for some eye poking adventures!

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just

Thursday at the Precinct

Ah Thursdays. Damn, there is no Thursday song for me to sing.

Kate was late to work, she knew it would bother Castle more than anyone, and that was the aim of the game.

Sure you say this now, but you won’t be so proud when you get written up by that cranky HR woman who is pissed because of this whole HR disaster of a situation.

She wanted him to be sitting restlessly waiting for her to arrive. She was only 30 minutes late, and that would be enough for him to go just a little crazy, but most importantly it would be enough time for her to finish applying her make-up after her long shower.

Sorry Becks, but no matter how long you take that shower for, you will still smell like the Astroglide on the stripper pole and the Tiger Balm for your muscles. Phew, you’re smelly. Better watch it, you might offend someone.

Kate walked into the precinct with confidence; she looked hot and felt it too.

No that’s just the embarrassment seeping through.

Her muscles were sore after all of the pole dancing she had been doing but once she put on that green and black lingerie she felt like sex on heals.

Okay if you’re only wearing the green and black lingerie and heels (notice its heels and not heals like healing) then that HR woman is really going to be pissed. Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Drunk


Well folks, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you. Since I’m having to move a current mock series to the List O’Shame, I decided to pass the  mocking reigns to my newest  Guest Mocker: Becks so I can clean up the mess from someone who has no sense of humor! This is a special fic I requested mocking. It features HBIC getting drunk on Blue Moons (WTF?!) and Castle saying no to sex. Good times yo! Fear not BCF fans, I will be back again this afternoon for a all new snarky mock again

Stats: Title: Drunk Author: TelevisionSlave Summary: When Beckett doesn’t answer her phone, Castle goes over to her apartment. He finds her drunk and in the mood. When she tries to get into his pants, Castle is faced with a choice. And then the next morning. Rating: T

It had been a long day. Beckett and I had worked our best on a case about a dead teenage girl all week. Someone had raped and shot this girl. Beckett had became obsessed with the case and it got personal.

Oh, I can see how this is going to go already. No, no she had not became anything. She may have become obsessed, but honestly, I’m not seeing it. You’re going to have to work a little harder to show me why this victim is any different from any of the other victims she deals with on an everyday basis. Was this teenage girl her mom? No? Okay, then no.

We found the murderer, everyone knew it was him. But we didn’t have enough evidence to convict his ass in court.

But what about the rest of him?

I could tell Beckett was devastated and angry, at the killer and herself.

She’s angry at herself…because she did the murder? No? Then… Oh, forget it.

After court she stormed out of the precinct and to her apartment. I tried calling her multiple times but it would just lead to voicemail. Finally I took a taxi cab over to her place and knocked on the door.

Because the best way to handle someone who’s upset and doesn’t want to talk to you is always to go to their house and force a confrontation.

I stood there for about a minute, waiting. When I was about to admit defeat and turn around to go home,

For someone who chases down people who don’t answer his calls, you sure do give up fast when they don’t answer the door.

the door opened. Beckett stood at the doorway, her arm holding onto it like she needed it for support.

I’m trying to work out how one holds onto a doorway with one’s arm. Either she’s got a lot of extra joints that most people don’t have, or she has a really weird doorway.

“Why hello, Kitten…What brings you to my place?” She giggled, stepping back to give me room to enter. I stepped into her apartment and looked around. Empty bottles of beer were on the table and I could smell the alcohol from here. God, how much did she drink?

And how fast did she drink it? My God, she’s only been gone from the precinct what, half an hour, tops? Check for frat boys, because there HAD to have been a chorus of “Chug, chug, chug!” going on in the background.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 4


I’m not going to lie folks. This chapter is all one big long phone sex call with no happy ending. I wish it was more, but it’s not. Its just a long phone sex call.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Picking up the phone she answered “Castle, it’s been a long day.”

That’s code for HBIC danced all night.

He smiled to himself “Oh I bet it has, I just never got the chance to find out how your performance went at the club today. Would you care to share the information Detective?”

What more is there to share? She danced and twirled around a pole.

‘Damn him’ she thought “Castle I got the job and will be started on Friday night at 9pm” that was really all the information he needed to know right now.

See I told you!

It had been a long day. She slid lower into the water enjoying the feel of it against her body and the sound splash softly against the edge of the bath.

Splish splash I was taking a bath.

Castle heard water… “Where are you right now…?” He smiled to himself hoping she was in fact where he imagined.

Wait! She’s talking to him while taking a bath? Do you know how many people drop their phones in the bathtub? Okay it’s probably not as many numbers as people who drop them in the toilet, but still. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 3


I’m not sure which is worse, the real person fic, or this story? Seriously, it’s a toss up. I don’t care if you are from Australian (and no offense to some Australian writers, but why are a good chunk of the ones on this site that we mock are from Australia?) but do your effing research on police department personnel going undercover and their procedures and processes. I may not be a cop, but even I know that homicide detectives don’t go undercover and do drugs. Okay, my rant is over, for this chapter at least!

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Wednesday Morning

Happy Hump Day folks! How about some stripping fic?

Work work work work, work work work work…

In the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett: “Work, work, work. I hate my job and my boss is a jerk.”

that word was running over and over again through Beckett’s head.

I guess that’s better than “shake hips 1 2 3. Shimmy 1 2 3.”

It was much easier to hear that word over and over again, like a child would say it until their parents were so frustrated they screamed.

So it’s easier to say it over and over than to make your parents scream? Huh?

Much easier than thinking about her new found pole dancing ‘career’ and the fear of stripping down to lingerie at 3pm today for a job interview.

Eeehh, I’ve been through more hellish interviews before. You should try applying for McDonalds and you will only wish you could use those pole dancing moves.

Much easier than the possibility of giving Castle a lap dance on Friday night.

I wonder if he will be having another party in his pants again?

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 2


I would really love to say that this fic gets better,  but alas, it doesn’t. Sorry. So if you like your Beckett kind of slutty and pole dancing, and Castle to have a party in his pants, then this fic is for you. Otherwise, you will enjoy the mock.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Tuesday Morning

Well Tuesday’s suck. It’s a day that just has no meaning.

Beckett walked into the precinct knowing she had one dance lesson and a shopping trip with Castle to get over with today.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m not one to pass up an employee discount at Vicky Secrets.

What kind of captain would allow a man like Castle to shop for lingerie with his detective?

One that just loves filling out sexual harassment paperwork.

Perhaps one who didn’t mind challenging her limits?

No, just the paperwork. Montgomery just love paperwork and making the HR woman all pissy.

Either way it looked like it could be a long day ahead. Taking a seat at her desk sipping a hot coffee that was running out too quickly she set into some serious research on her background story for tomorrow’s interview.

Woman! Get back on the pole instead of police work! What do you think they pay you for?

She was 28 years old, internally she was happy about that, and her name was Katie.

Okay what? Is her body feeling older than her actually age? I hate it when that happens. Maybe some more Tiger Balm will help her feel younger.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 1


Okay, as cliched as the pregnancy fics are, so are the undercover fics. This one is the worst cliched fic of them all. Kate Beckett goes under cover as a stripper. Yes, you heard me right, our HBIC goes under cover as a stripper and Castle does drugs. I warn you, you will need a hot scolding hot shower, and lots of hand sanitizer for this one folks.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself 😀 Rating: M

Friday Afternoon


Ooh Friday’s are always a good day!

“Beckett I think we can both agree that this is a dangerous undercover assignment, and Castle would be more believable as your boyfriend than Ryan or Esposito.” The captain was trying to reason with her and get her focus back on the case.

BWAHAHAHAHA That is just too funny. I’d rather see Montgomery pose as her pimp instead.

“Sir I just think it would not be smart to put a civilian undercover, especially with such an important case, the department has been after this guy for months. In fact almost a year” Beckett almost begged.

I believe that is what we call a “HR NIGHTMARE!”

Looking back at Beckett, hiding his humour behind a straight face “Sorry Beckett did you just infer that I’m not smart?”

Nope she’s just saying you would be a better pimp than Castle would be. That feather hat would like nice on you Captain oh Captain!

Kate Beckett quickly realised what she had done, and how she was obviously not going to win, and gave in “Of course not sir, I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”

Yes she did, she totally wants you to be her Big Pimp!

Time to admit defeat, “I’m sure going undercover with Castle will be a good challenge.” Even in her mind that sounded a little wrong, but luckily it was just the captain and her having this conversation.

A little wrong? How about hella wrong!

The captain walked out of his office towards Castle with Beckett following close behind scowling. Looking towards Ryan, Esposito and Castle the captain let them know what they were dealing with on this case.

The drug ‘kingpin’ was a black man in his late twenties with a taste dealing drugs, drinking and young socialites that were loose and friendly.

So in other words its Spencer Pratt as a black man? Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Surprises, Hurt and One Guy


Ahh our Guest Mocker BadFic beat me to this story! Grrr. No I kid, I share the love of mocking! I actually wrote this story, got distracted by Robotorgo and accidentally deleted it. Opps. But I’m glad BadFic grabbed and mocked it! YAY! And yes, its another pregnancy fic. These things seem to be popping up more than the Duggars are popping out kids.So here is a Fic that won’t blow your mind like Lost did.

Stats: Title:Surprises, Hurt and One Guy Author: bensonbeckett-svu-castle4ever Summary: Kate gets the surprise of her life. Gets hurt by the person who really seems to like her. One guy makes her world all better. Rating: T

A/N This has been in my head forever! I had to type it so bad! The season finale made me cry…stupid Gina. Oh and Heat Wave is a book! And this fall Naked Heat is coming out! Yay!Enjoy and please R&R!

Just because something has been in your head, doesn’t mean you should subject the rest of us to the crap going on in your mind. I have a feeling this fic is going to make me cry more than the finale.

No, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t meant to be. She had always thought of it but had never thought of it.

Um, what? See, this is why it should have stayed in your head.

To say she was shocked was an understatement. To think something this big would happen like this. And, it had to happen with him.

Why do I get the idea that Kate is once again going to need to be billed as the poster child of the failure of special education?

Kate Beckett stared at the two little lines on the stick that seemed to weigh one hundred pounds in her hands.

A pregnancy storyline: groundwork for some of the worst fan fics ever.

Pregnant…

Kate Beckett was pregnant.

Do any of you dummies who write these stories know about birth control? I’m going with no. Kate sure has a lot of unplanned pregnancies. My friend’s 11 year old can put the condom on the banana. Why can’t Kate? Oh. Right. Special ed. Got it.

She had always wanted to be a mother. But, she was waiting for the right guy to be the father. Demming, who she had been on a few dates with, was not the guy.

Oh good, so Kate has just been sleeping around in hopes of getting knocked up. So romantic. If you’re 15.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Whoa!


After the last two mocks of this authors works, its seems my readers can’t get enough of the badfics this person writes and wants more! By special request from MysteryCastleFanFic 3000. You ask and you shall receive. This one is another Pedobear Approved and Lemon Seal fic.

Stats: Title: Whoa! Author: iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: After my thirty-two continuous phone calls to Katherine Beckett, I decided to go over to her apartment. Richard Castles P.O.V. Lemon-dont like them, dont read this! Casketty goodness! OOC slightly. One-Shot unless fans request sequel!  Rating: M


“Kate?” I called into her apartment, unlocking the door with the key I found under the mat.

Really? Our HBIC hides her key under her mat? That’s just asking for someone like Castle to break in. She should at least have a hide a key rock for her apartment. Nothing looks less conspicuous than a key under the mat than a hide a key rock.

I didn’t think she was home because she didn’t answer the door, or the thirty-two calls I gave to her mobile.

Stalker!

I was truly worried about her, and my heart felt like it had fallen off the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You know, we keep telling you

I walked through her apartment, taking in all the features. The apartment’s main colours were red and white, and it was nicely furnished. Glossed tables and chairs adorned the main room, and a spotless television was up against the wall.

I would hope it would be a spotless television because I would hate to pay god money for a tv with spots all over it.

Kate’s apartment didn’t have any particular style; but I loved it.

Okay Mr. Castile, you need to learn to never tell that to a woman. Otherwise, you won’t get any sex for a long time.

I pattered lightly past the bathroom, and my heart sank further, if at all possible, at the sound.

Quick Castle, grab the air freshener.

Read the rest of this entry

What story should we mock next?


I always love it when people give me fics they think need mocking! Here is a few fics I have in my lineup for the next few days. Which one would you prefer to see mocked first?

Know a fic that needs to be mocked, or maybe you want to mock a fic? Send them to badcastlefic@gmail.com with the link and I will mock it, or with the mock inside the email and with the name you want to go by on the site.

Mock the Fic: Waited Too Long


When I saw that the author of the last really bad sex fic had another smut fic out, I just couldn’t pass it up. This one isn’t as bad as the previous ones, but its still up there. We here at Bad Castle Fic like to think we are doing the world a justice by teaching bad authors that if they have never had sex, then they shouldn’t write about it.

Stats: Title:Waited Too Long Author:iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: Smut/lemon/ whatever you want to call it. Dedicated to my friend thecastlefan. OOC.  Rating: M

Also I think Pedobear came out of the woodworks when he saw this fic coming out by a person who was under the age of 15, and is writing smut. Therefore this fic gets the Pedobear Seal of Approval! It also gets our new Lemon Seal!

Pedobear SEAL OF APPROVAL

ust another Castle fanfiction. Basically smut, for my friend thecastlefan.

I sure hope that ust is supposed to be “just” and not unresolved sexual tension, because if this is a smut fic, then its no longer unresolved. Its resolved! And I feel sorry for you friend.

I havent really had too much experience at writing these, and its really OOC. Anyway, please review!

Oh frak. Just admit it, you’ve never had sex, and you are doing a self insert as Becks in this fic, aren’t you?


Being alonhttps://i2.wp.com/www.freshplaza.es/images/2009/ALL_LEMON.jpge at the precinct was always just a little unnerving. The eerie sound of silence; the sound of lifelessness, really  weighed down the atmosphere.

It’s a police precinct. Its open 24 hours, I’m sure there is always something going on inside that place. Crime stops for no one, and no time.

I usually stayed this late because I hated going home to an empty apartment. I had broken up with Will, and couldn’t work up the courage to ask out Castle.

STBU

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Facing The Future


We all know how I feel about all the season 2 finale fics that are running around, but I also feel the same way about pregnancy fics. Sure I understand things happen, but really? With all the amount of Beckett getting knocked up fics, I think its time to start mocking them. So break out your Yaz pills, it’s time for some birth control!

Stats: Title: Facing The Future Author: Klutzygirl33 Summary: Kate freaks out when her pregnancy test is positive. Castle/Beckett Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don’t own Castle and never will. No copyright infringement intended.

Author’s Note: I haven’t found any fics where Beckett and Castle have kids of their own, so I decided to write a fic where they do! I hope you enjoy!

Kate Beckett stared at the positive pregnancy test in her hands in shock.

Oh noes! How did this happen. All we did was have sex.

She and Castle were going to have a baby? But they hadn’t even talked about kids!

Well it’s too late now. I hope he isn’t like the Abusive Demming and beat the crap out of you.

Kate loved Alexis like she was her own, but she hadn’t thought about having a baby. Wow, this baby was part her and part Castle!

And congratulations! You know get to start saving up for college since I’m sure Castle will spend all his money away on some toy of the year.

Read the rest of this entry

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