Mock the Fic: Death and Dispair


Our first mock is by special request: Death and Despair by The jackall, from Fanfiction.net. Just to give it some stats: Description: Stuff Happens (BCF: Really? Wow! Best description ever!Rating: T. Hurt/Comfort. (BCF: Alright whose ready for some good old H/C fic time?)

Chapter 1

The last thing he remember hearing was “Goodbye Nikki.” then Kate Beckett’s Apartment exploded. The only thing he could do as the smoke billowed out of the apartment building was fall to his knees and try to figure out why somebody would destroy Kate Beckett.

I wonder if he went all Kirk like from Wraith of Khan and screamed: “BECKETT!”  and then shook his fist? At least that would be better than his self wallowing as Kate Beckett burned to death in her apartment.

When the firefighters, cops and FBI agents arrived and helped him up he was thinking about how none of this would have happened if he had not decided to follow her.

Wait was Castle rolling around on the sidewalk the whole time? Wouldn’t people trample over him, I mean it is NYC after all. Pity party, table for two on the patio please!

This was his fault and he knew it.

Of course it was. When in doubt, blame Castle. I do it every day.

As Special Agent Jordan Shaw drove him to the precinct (okay…) he decided one thing,

That he will start following Shaw around and rename Nikki Heat with another stripper name and make her FBI?

he was going to find the person responsible for this and he was personally going to avenge Beckett’s death.

Lets just admit it, he proclaimed his revenge by screaming, “BECKETT!”

He was going to do this because

Because its a pain to have to create a new character again and rebrand the books?

nobody harms his Kate and gets away with it.

Oh, right! So whats he going to do to them? Kill them in a book?

Chapter 2

Already? What is this 75 words per a chapter?

Rick Castle was crushed when he received the call,

Crushed? Really? Is that really the emotion you want to use?

the firefighters had searched the explosion site and found no trace of Kate Beckett’s body.

Bummer. I sure hope she didn’t walk away when she saw him rolling on the sidewalk having his pity party. Zombie Beckett is loose on the streets!

So now not only was his muse dead but there was no body for her father to bury.

Okay…awkward. I’ve got it, lets fill the casket up with all the copies of Heat Wave that the FBI bought! Now we are putting his muse in the grave.

Rick had happily paid for her funeral, her father told him not too but he felt guilty for her death.

He really felt guilty because he put all the books the FBI bought in her casket. Our tax payer money at its best.

When Rick arrived at the cemetery the gravestone was covered in Kate’s favorite flowers.

Here lies Richard Castles latest pulp fiction book. RIP

He walked over to her father and apologized for all the pain he had caused him.

“Sorry for putting all the books that no one will buy in your daughters grave.”

To Castle’s surprise the man looked him in the eye and told him that no apology was needed

“That’s okay Son. At least it wasn’t Twilight.”

because he did nothing wrong and had Castle promise him he would find his daughter’s killer.

I hate to ask this so late, but why where they both at the cemetery at the same time looking at her gravestone? Was there a party and no one told Martha? We all know if you want a good party you invite Martha. I guess the pity party found its second person.

Castle took his seat and the minister proceeded to say a few words.

As we come here to say good bye to Richard Castle’s latest book…

After he was done every watched as Kate Beckett’s empty casket was lowered into her grave.

Damn those books are heavy.

As the shots of the 21 gun salute went off Castle realized that as he watched the empty void of the casket descend as the empty void in his heart ascended.

Wait! What? The grave descended, okay. The empty void in his heart ascended? Why did it go up? Was the freaky heart ripping dude from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Because that would be cool!

And that is a void that he knows will never be filled again.

Well duh! We all saw that movie and know that the heart turns into a crystalized thingy.

Chapter 3

It had been six months since Kate Beckett’s funeral

Wow I thought it had only been a chapter since the burying of the books.

and not a day had went by that Ryan, Esposito and Castle did not follow any leads they got that could help them find her killer.

Of course. Here boy’s take all the time you want to investigate this case. Have fun!

The day finally came when they got an anonymous tip that the killer, a man by the name of Brandon Evans, was staying in a ran down apartment building down town.

So where is Down Town,  NY? And they ran down to the apartment? Wow, that killer has to be uber cool to have an apartment that is running in Down Town, NY.

Castle, Ryan and Esposito all piled into Ryan’s car and headed towards the apartment building.

Come on boys! Time to fire up Ryan’s pinto and lets go to Down Town, NY. Better hurry, the apartment is running.

On their way to the building Esposito made sure to tell Castle to stay in the car and don’t do anything stupid because not only did he want the guy to get the prison time he deserved but he didn’t want to lose another friend to the bastard.

Wow, that has to be one of the longest running sentences, ever. I’m sure Castle got bored while you wrote that whole sentence and is already trying to find the killer.

When they arrived Ryan and Esposito headed towards the suspect’s apartment and Castle stayed in the car.

Wow it must have been a long drive to get to Down Town, NY since Esposito had a long run on sentence to tell Castle.

He sat in the car and played with the radio for about ten minutes

You know those Pinto’s and the 8-track player. Only so much you can do with one of those.

before he decided to get out of the car and stretch his legs. As he was about to get out of the car he saw the suspect jump off the fire escape and ran towards the car.

Is the apartment running with him too?

The man approached the window of the car with a gun in his hand and demanded that castle give him the keys to the car.

Nice use of a capital letter in Castle’s name. And now we are going back to past tense? Make up your mind! Or is this something that only happens in Down Town, NY.

What the man didn’t know was that since Beckett’s death Castle had kept a gun in a holster he had on his ankle, so when Castle bent down to grab the keys he was actually grabbing the gun.

Really?

Ryan and Esposito exited the building as fast as they could when they heard the gun shots.

Run Ambitiously Gay duo! Run!

Their first thought was that the guy got to Castle.

YAY! You got the right version of “their” correct. I was worried with all the bad verb usage.

They were shocked at what they discovered by the car. There was Castle standing over the suspect’s body with a gun

Lets all sing together, “Castle’s got a gun.”

in his hand and bullet holes in the other man’s body.

Shocker! Dun Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Castle knew what was about to happen next as Ryan and Esposito had to uphold the law.

The Anti Castle Has a Gun Law. Its a real tragic problem in Down Town, NY.

He stood there as Esposito put the cuffs on him and entered the back off the car willingly . On arrival at the precinct Ryan and Esposito felt guilty as the booked Richard Castle for second degree murder.

I know I watch a lot of Law and Order, but isn’t that considered Self Protection?  I guess not in Down Town, NY.

After Castle was booked he made his one call to his mother.

“Hey Mom! I’m in jail and we are in major need of a good party? Care to bring the margarita’s?”

He told her that she and Alexis would permanently be moving to the house he goes to when he writes the more gruesome scenes in New Jersey.

Yes because New Jersey is where I go when I want to commit write about murder. Now where are those Jersey Shore people?

His reasoning for this was that New York was no longer safe a safe place for the Castles to live.

No longer safe a safe? Is that something they have only in Down Town, NY?

He also told her that he would be meeting them there in a few days.

Are we having ourselves a good old fashion jail break? I call making him the cake with the nail file in it!

She asked him how that was possible and he said that he had people on the inside.

I guess they are bringing the spoons to help dig our way out?

To the surprise of nobody in the precinct Richard Castle was released one week later because Esposito forgot to read Castle his Miranda Rights.

I hear in Down Town, NY you don’t have to read people their rights.

To anybody on the outside it looked like a rookie mistake, but to the members of the precinct it was protecting one of their own, who just happened to be the man that avenged the death of one of their own.

Since when did Castle become a cop?

As he left the precinct he told Ryan, Esposito and Montgomery goodbye for the last time. The memory of Beckett was too painful for him to bear, so he decided to leave New York and never look back.

Once again I think I watch too much Law and Order- but don’t they generally tell you not to leave the city and have a patrol on you? Or are we back in Down Town, NY?

Chapter 4

Wow we are just flying through these chapters. James Patterson has nothing on you.

It had only been a month since the Castle family moved to New Jersey when Rick received a call that devastated him.

Mr. Castle. I regret to inform you that your daughter has become friends with Snookie from the Jersey Shore, and is addicted to spray on tanner.”

There had been a hit and run downtown and the Victim was in the ICU coma ward. The victim’s face was unrecognizable and the only ID she had on her said Alexis Castle.

And the fake tanner.

Rick jumped in his car and rushed to the hospital to be by his daughter’s side.

And to hide all her booze.

When he arrived he was shocked to discover his daughter sitting in the waiting room without a scratch on her.

I am telling you, fake tanner has healing properties like no ones business.

He asked Alexis what had happened.

“It was really the margarita’s Snookie gave me.”

She explained that her friend must have woken up before her and through on the wrong pair of pants,

Wait, she did what to her pants?

then she must have went to the store down the street and got hit with a car.

Wait. Snookie got killed?

The girl’s parents were there as well and told Rick that they had received the call as well.

Wait, Snookie has parents?

They thought something was up because Alexis was sitting in the same room as them then they discovered their daughter was not there so they rushed to the hospital and now here they all were.

Poor Snookie. Gets no love when her parents are really there to only see everyone’s favorite, Alexis. ‘

They all set in the waiting room for about twenty minutes when a nurse came in and told them it was alright for them to see her.

Again with the verb tenses! Pick one!

So they all walked towards the poor girl’s room when Rick saw something out the corner of his eye that caught his attention.

Its Snookie! Snookie is alright!

There in room 613 was someone who looked just like Kate Beckett.

Yay! ZombieBecks just came back from the dead!

He immediately went to the nurse’s station to find out the back story of the mystery patient.

Really? Instead of hugging her, or talking to her, or what not he finds a nurse? What is this, Down Town, NY?

He was informed that seven months ago Jane Doe was found unconscious floating in the river with second degree burns over most of her body.

Wow, that was one heck of a ride she had flying to the river from her apartment.

She had been in a coma since they got her to the hospital.

I sense a Sleeping Beauty scene coming up! Hurry someone unfreeze Walt, we need him to plan it out just right!

Castle thanked the nurse and headed to room 613. When he entered the room his suspicions where confirmed as the patient awoken and said “Castle, what are you dong here.”

Damn, no kiss?

Castle help but smile as he heard the voice of the angel that lay there in that bed. “Castle where am I?”

“Kate, I have some bad news for you, your a zombie.”

“You are in a New Jersey hospital. You have been in a coma for seven months.”

And now you are a member of Jersey Shore, and addicted to spray tanner. Congratulations!

“The last thing I remember was talking to you on the phone, then boom I am laying in a hospital bed in New Jersey. Why am I not in a bed in New York?”

Yes, that would be the first thing I would want to know about too.

“Apparently the explosion through you into the river, which you floated down and a fisherman discovered you and brought you here.”

I am not going to even comment on this. But I do want to stab it with my red pen.

“Then what are you doing in New Jersey?”

That is a good question.

“After I murdered the man who I thought killed you I decided to move mom and Alexis to my home in New Jersey.”

Which is where no one will ever think to find me. Plus I wanted Alexis to gain MTV fame!

“Okay, but how did you get off for murder?”

“Esposito did not read me my rights when I was arrested.”

I’m sorry, your fired. Go back to watching reruns of Law and Order.

“So everybody thought I was dead, this must be killing my dad.”

Shame on you Becks!

“It is, he was even reluctant to let me pay for your funeral.”

That’s very arrogant thing to tell the woman who you thought was dead. At least you didn’t tell her by giving her the bill.

“Well the first thing I should do when I get out of here is have lunch with him.”

Wait! What? You were in a coma for 6 months till Castle magically walked by your door. Your dad thought you were dead, but you aren’t going to call and tell him, no you will wait to have lunch with him later. Bitch.

“Nope, you two will be going on an all expensed paid cruise on me. Your dad would really enjoy that and I need it too.”

Again with the past tense for something that hasn’t happened. And sure, lets all cruise off on a boat into the sunset.

“Castle why would you enjoy it?”

Please insert comma and reorder the words please.

“Well Kate I am going with you. It will be a family vacation.”

Since when have you been family?

“Castle we aren’t a family. How would it be a family vacation?”

Thank-you Becks!

“Kate I have waited two years to say this to you. I am in love with you and I know you are in love with me. Why don’t we just get pull the trigger and you just say that you will go out with me.”

I’m going to pretend this just didn’t happen. I really want to say something about how you just got out of a coma and now I want to go out on a date, but I won’t.

“Castle you have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words.”

You were in a freakin coma. Whats another day?

“Well detective you could have made the first move.”

“I know, but I also know you are an old fashioned man and I just let you make the first move.”

Since when has Castle been old fashion?

Kate and Castle passionately kissed as Alexis walked into the room where she had found her dad.

What? Was she randomly entering hospital rooms looking for her dad? Maybe she thought he was making out with Snookie.

She was surprised to see the apple of her father’s eye alive and well,

Um since when has Kate become Castle’s daughter? Because being an apple of a father’s eye is generally saved for an offspring. Creepy.

but she was also happy to finally see the two have admitted their feelings for each other.

Nothing like watching your father feel up a dead woman in a hospital. Someone call her therapist for her.

She quietly went to the waiting room and called Esposito and told him the good news. She knew that this would mean that the Castles are returning to New York.

YAY! Down Town, NY has two new residence again!

A/N: If you want a sequel to this story I will need at least 20 reviews. So get your friends to reviewing.

Please don’t. Inless you want to give me job security!

Please tell me what you think of this story!

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Posted on May 7, 2010, in Mock, The Jackall, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. This is the sound of two hands clapping.

    Bravo. Brilliant. Do more please!

  2. CastleFanFiction

    I laughed. Really hard. And peed myself. Thank you.

  3. badfic_addict

    ok, I totally got the story. Up to the part where he finally implied that they were familiy now?? Uh, creepy!!

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