Mock the Fic: A Drunken Stupor


Congradulations! This blog is so popular that we have people wanting to be guest Mockers! Awesome! Our First Guest Mocker goes to: BadFic, who quickly mocked this lovely gem of a story out of the depths of fanfiction.net. Lets hope this guest Mocking position doesn’t go to their head and do some damage.

Story Stats: A Drunken Stupor. The Author (is a repeat offender): The jackall. Rated: M (I guess thats an M for Man Drinking? Sure was no sex in this story).

“A Drunken Stupor: Castle has a little drinky drinky.” –The Jackall

BF note: Uh, clearly Castle wasn’t the only one…

A/N: I wanted to try a one shotter I had come to me while I was trying to go to sleep. Enjoy!

WTF is a ‘one shotter’? I think prefer body shotters myself. And I wouldn’t have been able to sleep with this on my mind either. Nightmares are serious business.

He was sitting in the bar drinking away his sorrows when he saw her walk in.

Everybody in da club gettin’ tipsy.

when she looked towards where he was sitting he ran to the bathroom to hide.

And what was he doing in the bathroom? Given the M rating, only one thing comes to mind. Oh wait. He was hiding from a girl? That’s stupid.

He could not believe that she came here this night, the five year anniversary of their break up.

Perhaps she needed a little drinky drinky too. God knows I do right about now. And five years later he’s still drowning his sorrows? Move over Real Housewives! Someone call Bravo! This is the shit that makes reality TV shows!

He decided to peek out of the bathroom door to see where she was sitting and plan his exit route.

It’s a bar. How hard is it to find the exit? Oh, that’s it; I’m sensing a theme. I guess this is where that little ‘drinky drinky’ comes in to play yet again. What a lightweight.

He finally found where she was sitting he was surprised to see that she was there on a date.

After five years, he’s surprised by this development? No, wait. Sorry. There’s that drinky drinky again.

He also noticed that her back was to the door so he got ready to run.

A drunken stupor doesn’t seem too conducive to running. Or writing for that matter… but it sure as hell makes for good reality tv. “Richard Castle: Drunken Stupor”. I like it.

He had about made it out the door when she got up and headed towards the bar.

Oh my god. Rick can team up with Simon Van Kempen, Real House-Husband! On this episode of “RC: Drunken Stupor”: Rick and Simon drown Rick’s sorrows in a bar in Down Town, NY. When Rick is confronted with his “Situation” dating another man, he and Simon take matters in to their own hands by weeping tirelessly (amongst other things) in the bar bathroom. No drinky drinky can save the pair this time.

“Castle! What are you doing here?” Crap! She saw him.

Awwwwkard…

“Hey Kate, I was just out getting some drinks in me. What are you doing here?”

Gee… Kate Beckett. In the bar. With the guy. She must be playing Clue. Or Charades.

“I am here on a date, would you like to meet him?”

Would you really want your drunken ex-Situation to meet your new Situation? I wouldn’t.

“No, I have to go.” Castle walked out the door and went straight home.

“To the bathroom, Simon! To the bathroom! Charge!”

Once he got home he thought about how his relationship with Kate Beckett ended.

Let me guess, did it involve a tranny stripper and some singles? Or perhaps the drunken stupor reared it’s ugly head? Sounds like he’s getting ready to pull a Tiger Woods.

Five Years Ago…

Kate and Rick had been dating for six months when he finished his final Nikki Heat novel. He was really annoyed that his publisher wouldn’t allow him to bring Kate along with him on his press junket so he went out and drank the night away.

Drunken stupor it is.

When he woke up the next morning he discovered a beautiful blond women in his bed next to him and neither of them had any clothes on.

Tiiiigeeeer! Where are yooooou?

PS I’m calling ‘Cheaters’!
PPS Are we sure it was a woman?

He returned to New York the next day and decided to never think of what happened on the junket and that he would never tell a soul. When he entered the precinct Kate walked up to him and slapped him senseless. “You are a fucking asshole Castle!”

Kate Beckett, always the consummate working professional. I should take some pointers from her.

“What did I do Kate?”

I’ll give him three guesses. Actually, one guess should suffice but I’m getting the idea that perhaps Ricky prefers to drink his breakfast.

“You know what you did and so does all of New York!”

Now that’s what I call a Sticky Situation.

Kate handed him the New York Times, on the front page was a picture of him and the woman from the other day laying in bed together.

Because the NYTimes doesn’t have real news to report. The economy, Michelle Obama’s sneakers, a crashing stock market… all of those pale in comparison to Rick Castle cheating on his girlfriend.

“Kate I do not even remember this happening. For all we know this could be a fake.”

“Kate, hang on a minute while I give my buddy Tiger, a call. He’ll know exactly what to do.”

“Castle I already thought of that, so I called the hotel and they confirmed the story. I cannot believe you would cheat on me. I thought you were different.”

Blondes do it better Kate. And my new reality show needed this!

“But Kate..”

Vanessa Bryant’s guilt gift will have nothing on the gifts I’ll buy you. The cameras will love it!

Castle you need to leave before I come up with a reason to arrest you, and never return.”

Castle hesitated. Being arrested by Nikki Heat would make for great reality TV fodder…

“What would Simon do?” he wondered.

Castle walked out of the precinct and walked out of Kate’s life.

Next stop: Rachel Uchitel‎.

Present Day…

Rick Castle was woken up by a knock on his door. He discovered that he had fallen asleep on the couch again and on the coffee table was a note from his daughter and mother telling him they were going away until he could get his act together.

Please tell me they broke up with him via post-it.

He just tried to ignore whoever was at the door and maybe they would go away. “Castle, open the door. I know you are here.”

“Castle! I need reality TV fame too!”

Crap, Kate Beckett was at his door. What was he going to do. He decided to escape out the fire escape.

I think it’s time for Big Pussy to pass on the nickname to one, Richard Castle. And since when is it a crime to not answer the door? I never answer my door. Unless it’s a hot contractor.

Halfway down he notice that Esposito was there with her and he had been spotted.

Team Short Bus + Captain Castle FTW!

“Kate, he is trying to escape on the fire escape. You better get down here.”

I’m sure he’s just standing down there screaming. Kaaaaate!

Castle knew he was defeated so he finished coming down the fire escape and stood by Esposito to wait for Kate.

Because simply staying in the house like a normal person and waiting for The Situation to go away would have been far too easy. I personally would have played the drunken stupor card.

Kate got down stair about the same time as Rick did. She could not believe she was doing this, but she had to remember that she was doing this for Alexis.

Huh?

“Rick, Alexis called me and informed me that you have quit writing and the only time you have left your house in the past year was on my birthday and the anniversary of the day we broke up. What is wrong with you?”

Who smells a stalker storyline? On this episode of “RC: Drunken Stupor”, Simon finds Rick wallowing in self-pity on the 4.527 year anniversary of his break up with The Situation. Naturally, Simon does what any bosom bestie would do and wastes no time in calling for reinforcements! Simon, Rick and BFF, Tiger, hit Down Town, NY in search of The Situation’s apartment. Hilarity ensues when Tiger and Simon attempt to boot Rick on to their shoulders to catch a sneak peek through the window.

“Kate you know what is wrong with me. I am mad that I screwed up our relationship and I am still in love with you.”

The tenderness is overwhelming.

“Castle, it has been five years since we broke up. I have thought about it for a while now and I have decided to give you another chance.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Team Short Bus has a brand new Captain!

“Kate I don’t want another chance. I screwed this up the first time and it will never be the same between us. So why don’t you just leave now and never come back to my apartment. I never want too see you again.”

You had me at hello! You had me at hello! Cameras, keep rolling! Zoom in on the tears!

Kate and Esposito got in her car and left. This was the last time that Rick and Kate never saw each other for the rest of his life.

That was the last time they never saw each other? That’s a new one.

Kate Beckett’s last case as a detective was the murder of a best selling author. He was found in a park murdered in the style from his last book ever written, In the Heat of Passion.

This is some deep stuff. Was it The Situation with a knife in the Bar? Or in Down Town NY? Or did his bosom bestie help him fake his death for ratings. I think I just found a sequel to mark my return to writing.

A/N: Boom! Your mind has just been blown!

That it was. And I’ll forever miss those IQ points.

Please R&R.

I certainly need some rest and relaxation after this mess.

BCF Note: Kudo’s to a new guest writer BadFic! The short bus will be picking you up with that decrease in your IQ points.

Sporks to the eye: 3 out of 4

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Posted on May 7, 2010, in 3, Sporks to the Eye, The Jackall and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. CastleFanFiction

    I want to comment, but I am waiting for my IQ to return on the short bus that stopped in Down Town, NY.

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