Mock a Fic: What Should I get for you? Part One

BCF: We have another guest mocker! YAY! Introducing CastleFanFiction.

I was recently arrested after a high speed chase while I was high on methamphetamine. The judge gave me a suspended sentence pending community service. Said community service is to mock this fic. I agreed. Then I read the fic and begged the judge to un suspend my sentence and throw me in the hooskow for 30 days.

Now I bring you the wonderfully satisfying fic, oh, no wait, that’s the drugs talking. I will be commenting on a fic titled “What Should I get for You?” by WriterHorse32.

First off, garcon, CHECK PLEASE! If that’s going to be the title we are already off to a bad start. I’m just saying, and please take THIS as purely constructive criticism, don’t just randomly capitalize words. It’s all or nothing sweetheart.

And now, to the main event.

Stats: Title: What Should I get for You? Author: WriterHorse32 Summary: Castle and Beckett are getting ready for Valentine’s Day, but they don’t know what to get for each other. So they must text a very smart and romantic girl, but who is she? Please R&R will need better rating later on. Do not dial the number! Rating: K

He just couldn’t do it. Yet he knew he could ask for help.

Couldn’t do what? But then knew he could ask for help. I’m already confused.

Just then he remembered the ad in the New York Times for a service that gives advice on love and Valentine’s Day things.

How convenient he “remembered” this just in the nick of time! Why? Because he KNEW he could ask for help!

Valentine’s day things? Really? What are those things? For most people it’s like flowers and candy but things? I assume that this service is located in Down Town, NY?

“It could work,” Castle said to himself after all he couldn’t just give Beckett nothing for Valentine’s Day.

Well this story had already given me an inoperable aneurysm, so that’s a start. And lets try using punctuation, you know, just for shits and giggles so this sentence has a slim possibility of actually MAKING SENSE!

Yeah, they weren’t dating, but he couldn’t just forget about Valentine’s Day.

Millions of lovers and husbands do, why not Rick?

He thought that Valentine’s Day would be the day that Beckett would take him seriously about his advances and maybe they would become a couple.

Of course she would! I mean a gift from him out of the blue on V-Day CLEARLY says take me seriously! And not so sure you want to accentuate he wants her to take his “advances” seriously, that makes him sound like he’s at second base, rounding third and heading for home.

He dialed the number.

He remembers an ad he had seen previously and magically committed the number to memory?

“Hello and welcome to the love hospital would you like a female nurse or a male doctor?” the woman on the other line asked.

How sexist! Maybe I want a male nurse! And WTF is a “Love Hospital”? I’m pretty sure my HMO does NOT cover any treatment received from this facility. And let’s visit punctuation and grammar again. COMMA’S are your friend, trust me on this.

And what magic “other line” is this woman on? Wouldn’t she be on the same line as Rick, since he dialed HER?” See what I did there? I used a COMMA.

“I would like a female nurse,” Castle said.

But of course

“Who would you like?” the woman asked.

This sentence is just plain redundant. The question mark that you used? That implies that a question was asked, no need to insult your readers (any FURTHER) by adding that someone had asked it.

“The girl featured in The New York Times,” Castle said to the woman.

What girl? Was she a silhouetted naked figure? And again, we know Rick is talking but thanks for upping to word count on this super short chapter!

“Her phone number is 317-875-1789, and she likes when people text her so try not to call her.” said the woman.

So she automatically gives out a phone number to a stranger? Doesn’t take any personal information such as a deposit by credit card? Or ask any questions like “are you a homicidal maniac?”

Probably would be better to use an ACTUAL Down Town, NY area code.

But don’t call her. We pay her to do this for a living but we let her set the terms of communication with a prospective homicidal maniac, I mean client. Snag me a job application!

“What’s her name again?” Castle asked.

Again, I didn’t catch it the first time either. But I’m glad he asked because it keeps the theme of redundant dialog AND action.

“Juliet,” the woman replied then hung up.

Yeah bitch! Hang up, that’ll show him how good your customer service is!

‘Hope she gives me some good advice for Beckett’s sake,’ Castle thought.

If at 39 dear Ricky, you can’t come up with a way to woo a woman, you just might be gay.

He took out his phone and dialed the number into a text message. He didn’t really know how to text, but he thought it couldn’t be too hard. After he finished the message he read it over.

Pretty sure that Rick has the texting thing down. He DOES have a teen age daughter and, you know, WE’VE SEEN HIM DO IT ON THE SHOW!

Hey Juliet,

Think you could give me some advice? I really like this woman and I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day. Please help me.


Rick Castle

Hmmmm, why would he sign his real name? Don’t you think a grown man would be embarrassed soliciting advice from a female nurse of love? Especially a FAMOUS person. He is the 9th eligible bachelor in Down Town, NY.

‘That should do’ thought Castle and pressed the send button. ‘Hope this wasn’t a mistake’

Much like this story, Rick, trust me, it’s a mistake!

Holy shit, batman that’s the whole chapter! Riveting, eh.

Posted on May 13, 2010, in Mock, Uncategorized, WriterHorse32 and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Hi I’ll admit this chick needs to work on the story, but really do you know when she wrote this or how old she was when she wrote this or if she was still having trouble in English when she wrote this???!!! This blog is going to make a lot of Fanfic authors upset, oh and I wish you could have actually reviewed her story and given her some advice instead of just bashing her story on your blog. And you should see the reviews most people like it and give her advice! And she updated.

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