Mock the Fic: At the Corner Cafe

Be forewarned! This one is sappy and makes you want to hurl from its sweetness and out of characterness. So as a warning, if you’ve been doing some Memorial Day drinking, then wait till Wednesday to read this. Your stomach will be settled by then. And BadCastleFic may or may not have started the Memorial Day celebration early.

Stats: Title: At the Corner Cafe Author: brodie-wan Summary:Castle and Beckett have lunch at the corner cafe and discuss their relationship. Rating: K+

‘We’re friends, right Castle?”

Does she mean friends friends, or coworkers friends, or the dreaded friends with benefits?

“Yeah,” Castle replied intrigued by the question. “Of course.”

Way to dodge the bullet Castle. Kudos.

She leaned forward, elbows on the table, and eyed him intently. “But are we best friends?”

Run! NOW! Everybody, not just Castle. It’s one of those dreaded fics where she’s going to ask if he’s any good in bed!

He leaned in as well, leaving on a small gap between their noses. He squinted playfully parodying her intense look. “That remains to be seen.”

Use this warning now to get all your barf bags ready.

“How so?” she answered, curious.

Never breaking eye contact, he smiled. “One might say we are only ‘work friends’. They might ask ‘How much time we’ve spent alone or even in group outside of the job?'”

Okay how to tell if you are work friends: do you talk about anything else other than work outside of work? If no, then you are only work friends.

Her lips pouted and her eye brows knitted as she considered the comment. “A valid observation. What else might ‘they’ say?”

I swear I hope I never ever see Becks give the pouty face, ever! Dominatrix face, sure!

“They might say that, though we have had many shared experiences, some quite intense, that there still remain a tenuous foundation for a true best friendship.”

I feel my dinner coming back up for revenge.

He grinned.

She nodded. Her lip curled as she suppressed a smile of her own.

“I’m not sure how I feel about ‘them’,” Beckett said. “Perhaps, I should interrogate them personally.”

Oh please do and while you are at it find out why ‘they’ wrote this fic!

“They can be hard to reach,” he replied, sitting back in his chair and opening his hands. “Besides, I never said their word was gospel.”

The Gospel according to Others. Sounds like a book from the Bible on LOST! I wonder which Apostle wrote it. Matthew, Mark, Luke, or CrapFicWriter? I sure hope CrapFicWriter, they wrote the best books in the Bible, sadly they were all left out. They told of Jesus OOC stories and his adventures of touring with Disciples hair rock band! He was such a groupie!

“That’s a good thing, Castle,” Beckett said, proffering both hands across the table. “Because I can think of plenty of times you’ve been there for me…outside of the job.”

Who is this Beckett, and what has she done to the real HBIC?

“Really?” he said excitedly, leaning forward again. “I need to hear this.”

We don’t, trust me we don’t!

Beckett rolled her eyes.

“Maybe not,” he said. “I’ll ask them about it.”

“No you won’t,” Beckett insisted. “Their opinion seems rather subversive when it comes to this relationship.”

No I think their opinion is important for this, we need to know why they have nothing better to do than this.

Castle sat up straight placing his hands on the table as well, mere inches from hers. He arched an eyebrow.

“Oh, this relationship,” he deadpanned, pointing his index finger back and forth between them. “Before cutting them out of my life, I need to know more about ‘this relationship’.

Is the “them” in this fic Ryan and Esposito, Martha and Alexis, or people on the List O’Shame?

Her gaze turned thoughtful and she moved her left hand to cover the fingers of his right.

“I think we could be best friends, Rick,” she said, softly. “The way a man and woman are supposed to be.”

Oh blech. That came without warning!

Castle was nearly speechless. Heat rose in his body in all the right places. “Wow.”

Oh trust me, we are speechless too from all the throwing up we just did. And Castle, I would get that heat rising thing checked up on, it could be Flash Delirium (come on you know you want to sing along!)

“What do you think?” she asked, looking at him in a way she never had before. There was a new light in her eyes. Dare he say it: a glow.

She’s an ALIEN! HURRY someone call Jack O’Neill! We have a Goa’uld! That totally explains why she’s acting so Mary Sue like! Where is Daniel Jackson when I need him?

“I think the sound of your voice is like the sweetest music I could ever imagine.

See! Even her voice is Goa’uld like! Hurry! I’ll even take Teal’c!

I think being your best friend would be the realization of my greatest fantasy. And, I think that your face is the one I want to see every day for the rest of my life.”

Ugh, I was so distracted by the Goa’uld like qualities that I forgot to brace for a puke bag alert!

Her eyes welled with emotion. “As a friend, right?”

“No,” he declared rather seriously. “As my best friend.”

Oh totally! Shall we bring out the Best Friends song: “And friends are friends forever, if the Lord is the Lord…” wait, did I just really quote a Michael W. Smith song? WTF Self?! Let’s go back to Flash Delirium.

Her eyes grew wide as she listened, then narrowed into a knowing stare.


“That’s it? ‘Good'”.

Oh God, I sense a vapid proclamation of love coming!

“Yeah, that’s it. What were you expecting? A Hollywood ending? A kiss to make you see stars?”

“Uh, yeah.”

A kiss to make me see stars? Okay that will hurt if you try to hover me above the ground to kiss me so I can see the stars. Ouch.

She laughed and squeezed his hand. “Don’t think this setting and the body of our conversation is lost on me, Castle. That Hollywood ending isn’t far off?”

Oh please not a Hollywood ending, unless its from a horror movie and Freddy Krueger kills them both!

Caste shook his head at her confusing words. “What are you talking about, Beckett?”


“I’m in a city café with a guy named Rick talking about a lasting friendship. “There’s only one thing missing.”

Shall I say it again? Krueger?!?

She got up and pulled on her coat.

“Nazis!” he said, zipping up his jacket. “How did I miss that?”

Yes, the melting Gestapo from Raiders of the Lost frakin Ark is what’s missing. If that’s the case, then you are not Harrison Ford and she doesn’t have bushy enough hair to be Marion! Although supposedly KBecks can drink anyone under the table and so could Marion Ravenwood…so it might be possible.

“You were too busy staring wantonly into my eyes.”

Or puking in our case!

“They are quite a distraction. Very expressive.”

Not really.

“Castle?” she said, taking his arm as they exited the café.

“Yes, Beckett?”

“I’ think this is the beginning…” she said, turning and taking his face in her hands and kissing him.

When their lips parted, he breathed: “…of…a beautiful…friendship.”

Oh dear Lord! I hate you for making me puke! Sappy endings make me throw up-sappy out of character endings make me lose my whole days worth of food.

Posted on May 30, 2010, in brodie-wan, Mock, Puke Bags Needed, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Best friends the way a woman and man are supposed to be? RIGHT. Go ask Demming if he was paying for a romantic getaway for two for him and his BEST FRIEND. BLARGH. I honestly think I would take the sex grease over this steaming pile of crap.

  2. badfic_addict

    Ok, all I can say to this one is… what??? Someone made a video where he cut together everytime anyone on LOST said “What?!?” You should have that running in the background while reading this fic. I still haven’t figured out who “they” are…. what??

  3. Ugh. How…horrible. I am actually home sick from school….bad fanfics like this could be the reason why.

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