Monthly Archives: June 2010

Mock the Fic: Not So Forbidden: 41319 Chapter 2

Wow, two post in one week. I’m setting a record!  Sorry folks, this fic has caught my attention and I can’t seem to look away. It’s like a bad SyFy channel Saturday night movie, you keep watching to see how cheesy it gets. Meanwhile, if there is a fic you would like for me to mock, please forward the link to

Title:Not So Forbidden: 41319 Author: Shiver-n-Shake Summary: Richard Castle realizes that his love for Kate Beckett is more than just a phase…And acts. A horrifying experience makes Kate realize that she must take chances to get what she wants. Rated M for moderately graphic smut and almost-rape. Kate/Rick Rating: M

“This was a mistake.”

No shit, Sherlock. Isn’t it a little late now?

It was two o’clock in the morning and Kate was in Rick Castle’s apartment, specifically his bedroom.

Yes, because every girl wants to sleep in another guy’s bed after she’s almost raped and murdered!

Even more specifically in his bed, in his arms.

Nothing says screwed up quite like this scene.

She had awoken with a start about a half an hour earlier, wondering where the hell she was, before realizing that she had acted impulsively.

Once again, need I dare say, “No friggin shit, Sherlock!”

Richard Castle had told her that he loved her and she said it back.

Really? That’s what you are worried about the most? Oh dear Lord.

That scared Detective Kate Beckett even more than a violent serial killer and an out-of-control truck going against the flow of traffic ever would.

How about rape? Does it scare her more than rape?

Castle stiffened beside her and she froze. He would understand that she was just thinking out loud, right?

Doubt it.

“You can’t be serious, Kate.” He sat up, unshed tears glistening in his wide-open eyes, and placed a hand on each of her shoulders so they were face-to –face. “After all that happened, even you telling me that you loved me?”

Wah huh? Castle is crying?


“I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

Well considering there is at least three more chapters after this… Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Not So Forbidden: 41319

Let me quote the wise and wonderful robot named Bender Bending Rodriguez: “I’M BACK BABY!” Well semi back. I apologize for my absence. My laptop has officially died. I had a memorial service for it out in the garden, then buried it, then unburied it when my neighbors all looked at me shifty eyed and accused me of polluting the earth. So much for morning. Sadly, was on that laptop and I’ve been a little busy to try and get it set up on my big computer. So alas, until I get a laptop, I might be limited on updates, unless someone wants to “donate” to the BadCastleFic Laptop fund!

And with my return, I have a doozy of a fic. It has attempted rape (oh trust me, it’s harmless), and cheez-r-rific lines!

Title:Not So Forbidden: 41319 Author: Shiver-n-Shake Summary: Richard Castle realizes that his love for Kate Beckett is more than just a phase…And acts. A horrifying experience makes Kate realize that she must take chances to get what she wants. Rated M for moderately graphic smut and almost-rape. Kate/Rick Rating: M

“Good morning, Detective.” Castle whispered into Kate’s ear, his hot breath sending an involuntary shiver down her spine. “I hear we have a case?”

And why is he whispering in her ear?

“You heard correctly.” Kate spluttered, glaring angrily at Esposito who just smiled back at her.

Since when did Esposito trump Beckett?

The younger agent knew perfectly well that she was trying to keep Castle away from the station that day but had blatantly ignored the order she had given.

Oh that’s right, he has a death wish.

“But you’re not coming with us. Go home, Castle.”

He opened his mouth to protest and she spun around to face him.

That PsychicKate strikes again leaving no one to speak in her wake.

“C’mon Kate.” He pleaded,

Let me break out my Short and Round voice from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: “You call her Detective Beckett! Not Kate!”

the fire in his eyes contradicting the puppy dog pout on his face. “I won’t get in the way, I promise.”

It’s time for a smack down, Beckett style.

“Yeah Kate.” Esposito said, smirking.

It’s time for double smack down, Kate Beckett style! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Cake Crumbs

Happy Monday my wonderful readers! Sorry about the weekend off. But I’m back, in black! I have to admit, this next fic is not bad, but it just has some glaring mistakes that made it hard for me to read.

Stats: Title:Cake Crumbs Author:myboygeorge Summary: Who would anticipate that Ryan’s big news would be the catalyst for a long anticipated kiss? 1st Castle fic, rated T for safety, R&R&Enjoy! Rating: T

He didn’t know when it happened, but somehow it had happened:

Do I want to know

Castle had grown accustomed to the hive of activity that was the 64th precinct homicide bullpen.

So Castle is now at another precinct? Last time I checked he was working at the 12th. So does this precinct have an actual Starbucks inside? I hear it also has it’s own dry cleaning, and grocery store. It’s the mega precinct!

Lost in thought as he stared Beckett staring at a murder board

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare? Oh wait, she was probably too drunk. Oh Martha.

– Miriam Borden had been found dead in an apartment that wasn’t the one she shared with her husband

Opps, busted!

– he plotted exposition in the back of his brain as other officers brought in next-of-kin,

He is plotting exposition? What is he doing, writing an essay?

witness, even cuffed suspects who bellowed obscenities between the words ‘innocent’ ‘wrong guy’ and ‘lawyer.’

I sure hope they were four letter fun words!

Then again, Castle was fairly certain he could block out nuclear war when he watched his favourite brunette work her investigative magic.

Only if he takes his Ritalin.

Her hair was slightly dishevelled from pulling her fingers through,

Please spell disheveled correctly, otherwise I’m just going to have to believe Castle made her hair look like that!

as though follicle tension would help her concentrate,

Follicle tension? Really? Sounds dirty! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Paper Work (part of the Castle one shots)

After the last fic, something easy was needed. I can’t imagine if that x-over had a second part. It would just hurt my brain too much. There is a community on called The pairing that ate my brain. Yeah, that was the x-over that ate my brain. So thus a really bad sex fic to make up for the last mock.

Stats: Title: castle one shots Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary:this is only one shots if you want to write more to it be my guest but contact me first i would love to read what you write. ah! im so bored and this is what happens enjoy this is not only rated m stories others will be added later Rating: M

Paper Work

It was getting very late and I was still doing my paper work.

Yet another Castle Fanfic cliché.

I had many things to do before I went home. I had to finish the paper work and I had to drive Castle home.

Castle is a big boy, he can find his own way home.

Where was Castle? He must be in the break room getting coffee. Well I am sure he won’t mind if I take a quick nap.

That’s a clear sign for “Time to go home!”

Besides he could have left earlier if he would have taken a taxi. Why does he always have to wait for me.

Why must you use the wrong punctuation at the end of a sentence?


Oh bless you child for letting us know you are writing a dream. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Castle Cullen

In the spirit of bad crossovers, I have a real humdinger for you. It’s a Castle/CSI NY/Twilight fic. No I am not joking. I bet you are thinking, “why didn’t I think of this first?” This is a fic that I was first told about by a member of Robotorgo, and when I first heard about it, I thought it was a joke. Sure it was mentioned from time to time, but no sign of it ever showing up. Till today, which was when I found it on the fanfic section.

Stats: Title:Castle Cullen Author: PrincessMidna Summary:She is a 21 year old adopted human, training to be a CSI; he is a 166 year old vampire, working as a personal trainer.  She knows little of her past; he knows as good as everything about his. Her parents died when she was a baby; his parents thought he died in the war. She has never fallen in love; neither has he. Then they met. Upon their first meet and first touch they feel the same; love. A feeling know yet completely unknown to the both of them.But what happens when someone from her past threatens to catch up with her? Will they be strong together, or will they be split; all alone, weak and easily destructible? Rating: M

Chapter 1 – The job offer

Oh goodie! I like job offers!

Yuuki’s POV


I was in the kitchen, rocking out to Three Days Grace whilst frying chicken for dinner.

Three Days Grace? That’s the best rockin band you could find?

Therefore I did not notice when my cell rang. My brother, Richard, however noticed it. He laid a hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump.

Brother Rick? Rick has a brother?

“Rick, you scared me! What was that for?”

“Your cell,” he answered and held it up in front of me, “is ringing. I don’t know who it is though…”


I turned off the music, and answered the phone.

“You’re talking to Yuuki, who is it?”

Yuuki? What was your parents smoking?

“Are you Yuuki Castle?”

Unless Castle’s Dad knocked up a Japanese woman, then your parents really wanted to torture you with your name.

“Yeah, I am. Who am I speaking to?”

“I am Detective Mac Taylor from the New York Crimelab. I’ve been going through your appliance, and I’m pleased to tell you I’ve got a job offer for you here with us.”

Your appliance? Do we submit microwaves now for resumes? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: He’s All Mine

I have no clue how to best explain this next fic. It’s a crossover between Bones and Castle, set during Sucker Punch. Only it’s as if Sucker Punch never happened. And I will warn you, this author will make a teacher cry.

Title: He’s All Mine Author: WhoAmI2010 Summary: This is a crossover with Bones/Castle.This is my version of Sucker Punch with the Bones crew since they did ran into the F.B.I…This also refers to a rivalry between Castle and Bones Rating: M

Part One

As Kate was going home after the wedding, she remember what Kyra had said.

You know, she said a lot in that episode.

“He’s all yours” and of course before than,

Before what?

“He only dedicates books to people he cares about..”

Or bases a character on, and what’s with the two periods?

As Kate was looking at the cover of the Nikki Heat book..

Again with the two periods! WTF?!

She knew that if Castle knew about her feelings that he may not let her hear the end of it.

And yet another Castle fanfic cliché making an appearance and rearing its ugly head.

So she made sure that he would never come to her house.

That would be good and all if she had a house. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 8

I know everyone is going to be sad when I tell you that this is the last of Undercover (or at least until the author gives us more). What are we going to do without Katie snorting coke? Castle being all womanizing? How will my life continue to be lived?

Stats: Title: Undercover Author:silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up!

Katie followed Mr Smith upstairs towards the VIP area… she was nervous;

Please let it be Freddy Kruger waiting for her. Heck, I’d even take Jason.

if Castle had not asked for her soon enough this could get messy.

It would be hysterical if it was some pimp wanting to pimp her out to everyone.

She kept walking up the stair case trying to breathe comfortably in the corset that was pushing her breasts up so high they were screaming to be touched.

Jake Smith opened a curtain to the VIP area and that’s when she was walked right in front of Castle. She smirked a little; he looked fantastic in his black suit with a deep almost black purple shirt. She couldn’t help but think it was the colour that would be on satin bed sheets that were used for dirty sex.

Deep purple satin sheets used for dirty sex? HA HA HA That is too funny. I’m laughing because I know how slick satin sheets can be and I’m imagining them sliding off the bed.

“Richard Castle, meet Katie.” He smiled introducing them, looking into Katie’s eyes, letting her know it was her job to make him happy.

And for once, you really overused a comma. Try some periods.

“Hi Richard…” she smiled looking in his eyes while she accidently licked her lips.

All this lacks is a girly laugh.

“You can call me Rick, please take a seat in my booth I just need one moment with your boss” he smiled politely, watching her walk over to his booth. He watched her walk enjoying every moment of it, until Jake Smith interrupted his thoughts.

“Rick, what can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if you might have something I could get, maybe to enjoy the night a little more?” he asked nodding towards Katie.

Oh great, here comes the coke again. How about some Coke-a-Cola instead?

“Sure I’ll make sure you get something delivered to your table with your next round of drinks. What were you thinking?” he asked quietly

“Sure I’ll make sure ya git sumfin delivered ta yo’ table wiff yo’ next round o’ drinks. What wuz ya thinking all ye damn hood ratz?”

“I’d love 1g if you have it?” he asked referring to cocaine.

1g as in the 1st version of 3G phone service? WTF?!? I may not be up on my drug lingo, but I’m pretty sure that you’d get laughed at by your drug dealer if you asked him for 1g.

“Of course, it will be with you soon, my waiter will come and get a drink order from you soon. The rest will come out with your drinks in between a napkin. Please pull your curtains over a little while you take it he winked.

“Of course, it will be wiff ya soon, muh ma fuckin waiter will come an’ git uh drink order from ya soon. The rest will come out wiff yo’ drinks in between uh napkin. Please pull yo’ curtains over uh little while ya take it all ye damn hood ratz.”(I’m really going to miss the Ebonics translator!) And is he saying that he’s winking?

Castle walked back over to his booth where Katie was leaning back onto the couch leaning on her elbows facing him, her fishnet covered legs crossed facing him. He could see the boots, how high the heels were… it was easy to imagine them digging into his back while he was… damn that was a good image.

What is with this author and her shoes on during sex fetish? Read the rest of this entry

What is your favorite Cliché in Castle Fanfic?

We know they all exist. We’ve seen them be repeated time and time again in bad Castle Fanfic. What is your favorite Cliché in Castle Fanfic?

Mock the Fic: Castle One Shots part 1

I am going to warn everyone! This next fic is one that will make you want Brain bleach! It’s bad, yo. BAD! This fic officially earns the first annual Brain Bleach award! Congrats! The author should be proud. Please everyone! Read this fic responsibly and have a bottle Jack and a cup of Brain Bleach ready for the ending!

Stats: Title: castle one shots Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary:this is only one shots if you want to write more to it be my guest but contact me first i would love to read what you write. ah! im so bored and this is what happens enjoy this is not only rated m stories others will be added later Rating: M

Castle sat patiently in Beckett’s car waiting for her to take him home. He still did not own a car.

Wow, for a multimillionaire, Castle sure is lazy and cheap.

He seemed to like Beckett driving him from and to his apartment,

I believe you meant to say, “to and from.”

even though she always denied his invitation to join him for a drink.

This fic makes me wish I had a stiff drink.

Today would be different. Beckett really need a drink today. The case today was very stressful.

Me is Captain Caveman. Me is thirsty. Me really need a drink today. Me case was very stressful. Congratulations author, you just made an English teacher cry.

Beckett climbed in to the driver’s seat and started the car. She jumped up when the loud music almost popped her car speakers.

I guess that means she was busted listen to Justin Beiber in her car, blaring from the speakers. Oh and generally, when you jump, you jump up, not down. Therefore, you can get rid of the repetitive word “up.”

She turned it down so that it was only background noise.

Poor Beiber, gets no love.

She looked at castle for a while before bursting out laughing.

Wow, I’m laughing too because you can’t seem to capitalize Castle’s name. I’m sure he’s laughing at your stupidity too.

Castle then joined her, she was laughing so hard she had to hold her stomach. After a good laugh she pulled out of her parking space.

And it’s people like them that makes me want to go all road rage on people when they sit in a parking spot forever and a day.

The drive to his apartment was a bit long because of the traffic.

“so Beckett what are you so happy about I haven’t seen a smile like that on your face since the case about the jewels?” Rick turned to face her and give her his full attention.

1. Capitals! Please capitalize the first word of a sentence! It’s something we all learned how to do in first grade. 2. That sentence needs to be split up into two sentences, and not to mention they need utter help.

Kate licked her lips before answering Castle’s question. “Well I am happy because the case is over and this time I think I will accept you offer to join you for a glass of wine or glasses of wine.”

Oh how classy of her. Invite herself in and ask for not just one glass of wine, but two. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover chapter 7

Okay folks, we have one more chapter left of this fic and it’s done till the author gets off her lazy ass to write more. I know, we are all sad and crying on the inside! I know I am. What am I going to do without my cocaine and stripping Katie fix?

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just

The Dance

Brace yourself folks, it’s going to be bad.

Kate was standing just out of the view of the club members, waiting to be called out onto stage, or the podium to dance.

Or the platform. Or maybe the aisle. You’re the author, your should know where she’s going to be dancing. I can assure you, it probably not a dance hall with square dancing.

She was nervous, but felt oddly calm after having the cocaine.

Oh yes, like the cocaine is going to make you feel so much more calmer.

She listened to the song end and the DJ get on the microphone… “Aight, you ain’t seen nuttin till you seen my girl Katie. She gonna bring you some lovin’ if you’re a rude boy, show em Katie”

“Aight, ya ain’t seen nuttin till ya seen muh ma fuckin ho Katie. She gonna bring ya some lovin’ if you uh rude boy, show em Katie don’t make me shank ya!”

She heard the start of her music, and started walking out fast,

Please tell me she falls flat on her face! PLEASE!

it looked like a strut, due to the thigh high boots, they had heels and a big leather zip down the inside of her leg.

She looked like a chicken strutting? Wow, does she make clucking sounds too?

She got to the podium as the first part of the lyrics played.

Oh noes! Before she’s ready too! Let’s see what crappy song was picked. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: The Elevator Chapter 1

Happy Hump Day! YAY! We’ve survived this long this week, what’s another bad fic to add to the day? This story is one that sounds vaguely like another fic that asks “What Would Nikki Heat Do?” I guess that means that the topic is now clichéd. Yay, another clichéd topic to add to my soon to be published list of: “Clichéd way to write Castle Fanfic!” While you all wait on pins and needles for my essay, I present a new mock.

Stats: Title: The Elevator Author: luvlife987 Summary: What happens when Kate and Castle are locked in an elevator together with no cell phone service? Rating: T

Kate and Rick were sitting at Kate’s desk, Kate was doing paper work, but Rick was staring at her, something that her loved to do.

Her loved to do paperwork? Wow, can I send her all my paperwork to do please? Oh and once again, this sounds caveman like. Me like sitting at desk. Me is writing bad fic! Me is evil!

Esposito and Ryan walked up to the desk, “We are heading home, call us if you need us.

Wow, is this an Espo/Ryan fic? We here at Bad Castle Fic have yet to venture into that territory.

Be kind though, tomorrow is Saturday,

That’s code for “we are having sex tonight.”

if I get another six in the morning call because you don’t know how to turn on the coffee machine I will be mad.”

Le huh? HBIC totally needs her slaves to start the coffee for her. Don’t want her breaking a sweat in those cute little jackets of hers. They are dry clean only.

“Yeah, and please no murders.” Ryan said to Kate.

Damn, I guess that means I can’t kill the author. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wedding Bells part 2

Hope this Tuesday, which feels like a Monday, is treating everyone good (and not hellish like any other Tuesday after a holiday is). Fear not for if it is, we have a new badfic to mock! And wow! With the end of this HORRIBLE fic, we will finally learn what happens when an author continues to use bad grammar and ignores the style book! It’s pretty dramatic if you ask me.

Stats: Title: Wedding Bells Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary: It was suppose to be one of the happiest days of her life… Rating: T

kate looked down at the small box, it was white but still had three dots that were once bright red, she ran her hands over them allowing herself to remember that day.

Please tell me it’s blood from someone whacking the author over the head with a style book for too many bad grammar mistakes!

she did this every year on this day. she knew her life would change after that day but she didn’t expect it to change into what it had…

Go from what? A Vapid Jersey Shore like girl to a cop?

she got out of the whiter car with her father,

Okay seriously, how many shades of white cars are there?

wearing the blue earrings,


the dress she and her mother picked out,

That screamed of late 90’s prom dress.

and a locket that rick had given her that day.

Aww it would be so nice if Rick knew how to capitalize his own frakin name! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wedding Bells

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. I know I did and I enjoyed the day of no bad fanfics! Sorry for the disappointment, but it was a holiday! This is a gagging and short story that I’m combining two chapters into one mock. Its sappy and makes you want to kill someone!

Stats: Title: Wedding Bells Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary: It was suppose to be one of the happiest days of her life… Rating: T

Today was suppose to be the best day of her life…..

Was today the day she got her first gun? That would be the best day of my life too!

he had proposed on her birthday.

Okay last I checked we still capitalized the first letter of a sentence. And how very clichéd to be proposed to on their birthday.

The whole precinct was in on it.

That’s the worst is when everyone else knows it’s about to happen.

The captain had called her on her day off, said she was needed on this case.

And that is why my phone has an off button- so that way when it’s my day off I don’t get called in.

When she arrived there was balloons everywhere.

Congratulations! We just caught our 5000th killer! Mimosa’s all around! Read the rest of this entry

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