Monthly Archives: August 2010

Mock the fic: The Newlywed Game Castle


Okay folks, I swear I don’t set out to find these fics, they find me. They come running, screaming and begging me to mock theme. This starts out small, but fear not, it has five fandoms for me to mock in it, it’ll get better. Oh and if I haven’t mentioned this yet, I have a theory, the longer your Fanfiction.net profile is, the more you will make readers want to spork their eyes out.

Stats: Title: The_Newlywed_game_Castle Author: kym667103 Summary: A Crossover fic with Cold Case, Bones, NCIS, Castle, or Twilight. Rating: T

Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own Cold Case, Bones, NCIS, Castle, or Twilight.

Okay, we are going to mock five fandoms with this fic! Fabulous!

Castle

Rick Castle

I just found out that my publisher signed Kate and I up for The Newlywed game.

Wow, that would be impressive if they were actually married. And is this show still on? Oh wait, Game Show Network. Are we out of idea’s already that we have to resuscitate old game shows?

She said it would be good publicity, but I was scared it had taken me a long time to win Kate I love her more then she could ever know.

I feel a puke bag moment.

I don’t even understand my first two marriages were nothing like this.

Huh? You don’t even understand your first two marriages? Let’s see, the first one had Meredith cheating on you. God only knows about the second one?

I was scared Kate would kill me for this one. That stupid letter that lay on my desk now was the cause of all this worry, and my stupid publisher.

I’m still trying to fathom the why behind this. Read the rest of this entry

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Mock the Fic: Finding a Way to be Together


In the spirit of all the really bad fics I’ve been mocking lately, here is another HORRIBLE one. The author can’t even spell Beckett right. You might want to make sure you take all the guns out of the room before you read this, if you don’t you might find yourself trying to commit suicide.

Stats: Title: Finding_A_Way_To_Be_Together Author: castleshowfan Summary: While Castle And Beckett Start To Realize the Love they Have For Each Othe They Have To Find A Way To Jump All the Obstacles On The Way. First FanFic So I Just Hope YOu Like It. Beckett/Castle And A Little Lanie/ Esposito Rating: T

It was a normal day at the precinct were everyone was having a good time.

Is this how this fic going to be? Where is my vodka?

Beckette, Castle, Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, and the Captain were playing poker that night when everyone went home and only they decided to stay.

It’s BECKETT! B-E-C-K-E-double T! Spell it right or HBIC will be pissed. And who is they? I’m confuzzled.

But what they did not know was that that night was going to be the worst night in their lives.

Once again, who is they and is it really going to be the worst night of their lives? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Homicide Hottie


And just when you think we hit rock bottom on bad fanfics, something like this comes along and smacks you in the face. Now while you go read and enjoy the fic, I’m going to go take my blood pressure medicine and drink some whisky to help forget this piece of crap of a fic.

Stats: Title:Homicide Hottie Author:CASTLEMESILLY514 Summary: Everyone knows the Castle is a great father and that Beckett admiars that, but now she has a chance to be a mother or a aunt. meanwhile beckett and castle need help on this case so the turn to beckett street smart neiece to help on this case Rating: K

I still stand behind the theory that the more words misspelled in the summary, the more I will want to kill the author by the end of the story.

Chapter 1: The Invite

Well, at least you spelled everything so far correctly, so far so good.

It was a regular morning in the castle loft.

And that didn’t last long. Okay let’s play a game, for every spelling/grammar mistake you make, I will kill a LOLCat. That’s right, one of those cute, little fluffy kitties that have funny little words and they, just like you, can’t spell or use grammar correctly. I’ll let that one slide, but the rest are all on you.

Alexis was getting ready for school while her father Rick Castle was sitting down in front of his laptop writing the next chapter for his latest book “Heat Flash”.

Heat Flash? That doesn’t even make sense.

“Hey are you going to see Dective Beckett today?”

Aww the poor little “I can has cheezburger?” cat just died a painful death.

ask Alexis grabbing her book bag

Have you ever heard of past tense usage where you add an “ed” to the end of a word? Congrats, you just killed “monorail cat.” I hope you like walking.

“well unless there is a murder I need to finish this chapter”

Hate to say it, but there has been murder, murder of the cute little “Have you seen my bucket” Walrus. Shame on you.

her father said looking back down at his laptop. “Ok see you after school then love you” said Alexis as she kissed her dad on his forehead

And now the cute little “Wait I can fix it” kitty is now dead after trying to fix your story.

“see ya kiddo love you 2” Castle called back as she headed out the door.

I am really restraining to kill you because I am sure you are only 8 years old because I know for a fact that anyone older than that can write out the word “too.” Oh and the “I has flavor” kitty died from licking your really bad fic.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Uninvited Guest


Okay my rant about horrible fanfic writing is over. Back to the mocks! This one folks is horrible. It’s beyond horrible. It will make you want to bang your head against a table in hopes of losing consciousness before you finish the fic. It puts some of the other fics I have mocked to shame and makes them look Pulitzer award winning stories. Remember, you have been forewarned.

Stats: Title: Univited_Guest Author: secretvalintine Summary: Kates been tracking an online serial killer for months, but suddenly thats not the only thing on her mind… Rating: T

Chapter 1

The desk drawer closed shut with a familiar click that reassured me. The clock had barely passed 6, none of my team would

be here for awhile.

What is with this horrible formatting of this story? Did you write it in an email? I’m sure you did since anything else would’ve told you that you need to spell out six and you might want to add on ante meridiem, or as you might call it, AM, to that time too.

Another day, just like all the others was before the detective.

Wow, it must suck having all those days standing in front of her.

A day filled with murder

Wow! Awesome! I wish my planner had “murder” written in it on the whole page. It would so much more exciting than my actual work day. And once again, I did not format this story, this is how it was formatted, I didn’t even have to add in extra line breaks for my snark. It was already ready for the mocking!

, mayhem, and mystery… “boring” I said aloud.

Yes because randomly saying “boring” is so much fun and I just love making people think I’m CRAZY!

The criminal they all had been searching for seemed to have jumped off the grid.

Wow, we are grid jumping now? And I would too if I was the criminal in this story too, because obviously the story is HORRIBLE! Read the rest of this entry

A Plea to Fanfic Writers


Dear Fanfic writers,

Could you please, for the love of all things living, stop what you’re doing and think about what story you are writing, and how you are writing that said story. I ask this because it seems the more I visit fanfiction websites, the more I want to bang my head against my desk and hope that I will black out early. Here are some of my pointers on writing fanfiction.

Writing stories is like painting a picture, only with words. Some of the best stories around have the ability to paint a picture for their audience without having to actually use pictures. Don’t write your story as if you are telling it to a 10 year old. I don’t want you talking down to me as if I have a limited vocabulary. An example of this is has been taken and modified from a previous story I have mocked: “It was Sunday night, and she had just gone out with him, but it wasn’t really a date, it was more catch up date.” This does nothing to tell me about the date, all I know is it was just a catch up date. I feel ignorant for even having to read it, and stupid for not knowing what’s exactly going on. Remember writers, your audience is smart and generally don’t take kindly to you assuming their stupidity. While you don’t need to use a painting by Monet to tell me what’s happening in the story, but it never helps to have a good description. Please don’t  hold your readers hand and give them every detail, but paint them the picture and let them put together the story. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Mommytobe Part 2


Happy Tuesday, how about part two of a baby fic! YAY! Lets have some more unwanted pregnancies, some 15 year old drama, and some horrible grammar.

Stats: Title: Mommytobe AuthorNikkiHeatLuver Summary: When she broke up with Demming, she thought she was done with him, but now it’s revealed that she’s never going to forget him. How will her news mess up her dating Castle. Spoiler For Season 3 Rating: T

i’m sooooooooo sorry for the wait but here i go

Yes, nothing says sorry like adding a bunch of o’s to so, and not capitalizing the I.

🙂 the lyrics are Angel’s Lullaby by Reba McEntire

Oh holy hell, this is a song fic?

Beckett looked at her boyfriend’s hand resting on top of her own, trying to avoid eye connect with him. “Not here, not now.” Castle took his right hand and tilted her head up to look at him.

Wait, what just happened? Oh that’s right, she’s preggers with Demmings bastard kid and she’s dating Castle. Awkward.

“Right here, right now.” Beckett sighed.

Demanding aren’t we?

“Rick, i can’t ,” She said, tears starting to welled up in her eyes again.

I’m sure this would be more dramatic if you had capitalize the “I” in that sentence! And I highly doubt if our favorite HBIC would be crying like this in a diner. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Mommytobe


Baby stories. Why must it always be baby stories (and snakes, but that’s a whole another movie). By now, I’m sure you all know I hate, no DETEST baby stories. They always seem to revolve around the pee stick in the bathroom of the precinct and an unexpected bundle of joy on the way. Die! Thus I am mocking yet another Castle Cliché fic: a baby cliché fic. And no, the title isn’t my spelling mistake, no that would be our wonderful authors mistake.

Stats: Title: Mommytobe Author: NikkiHeatLuver Summary: When she broke up with Demming, she thought she was done with him, but now it’s revealed that she’s never going to forget him. How will her news mess up her dating Castle. Spoiler For Season 3 Rating: T

I know i should be writing my other stories, but this idea has been bugging me for the past MONTH so I’m gonna write it. I’m sorry if characters are a bit OOC, it’s hard for me to write them as their personalities.

Oh frak. OOC? Out of character? I almost want to make a rule, if you can’t write their personalities, then write for a fandom you can.

Kate Beckett sat in the last stall of the women’s bathroom on the homicide floor of the 12th prescient in New York.

Sitting on the toilet? On the floor? What? And you do know that a prescient is beforehand knowledge, right? Kind of hard to sit on knowledge before it happens.

She felt tears start to well up in her eyes when the white screen of a pregnancy test turned into a bright pink plus sign.

What kind of cheep pregnancy test did she buy? Most have a blue plus or minus sign, or even say “pregnant” or “not pregnant.”

Beckett sighed as she hide the test at the bottom of her purse before she exited the stall.

Eeeeewwwee. She putting that pee stick in her purse? And she hid it, not hide it. Get the present/past tense right, please. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Time Flies part 3


Okay folks, not going to lie when I say we are now at the slow part of the fic. I debated about not continuing to mock this fic,  but I just feel incomplete if I don’t finish a fic, so thus bear with me while we make it through the slow parts of the fic.

Stats: Title: Time Flies Author: HeatXWave10 Summary: Castle and Beckett find themselves in a situation that compells him to quit following her. But, what happens when they cross paths again threeyears later and Castle is hit with a major bombshell? Rating: K+

Dontchca just love how compels is misspelled.

Castle entered the loft to find Alexis sitting on the sofa flipping through TV channels. When she saw him, she walked over and gave him a hug.

“Hey, dad,” she greeted him, “Where’ve you been? You left hours ago.”

Wow, shouldn’t she be at college or something by now?

“Well,” he began seriously, “That’s actually something I need to talk to you about. You might want to sit down.”

Uh oh, he’s about to drop the f-bomb on her, and by f-bomb I mean father bomb. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: After a Long Time part 3


Fear not folks, this is the last chapter of this fic (if you dare call it a fic). I must admit, I’ve had nightmares from this fic. Dreams of a world filled with Star Bucks, and our favorite crime fighting squad talking like teenagers. It was horrible. Horrible. I’m sure that it caused me to drink enough to shave a good 5 years off my liver.

Remember, I mock the fic idea, not the horrible un-beta read story.

Stats: Title: After A Long Time Author: LuckyLaugher Summary: Rick and Kate met after a long time. There happend something. What will be next? What will happen if it’s her birthday and he want to gif her a special gift? Rating: K

Chapter 3: Their Date

Do I really have to read about their dates? What more can happen besides raining ants and Metamucil?

Hey guys sorry it took so long but I was on vacation and worked all the time, I still do, but I managed to make this one. It the last of this story but I hope you liked it.

I wish I was on vacation…

Kate couldn’t sleep after Castle had left.

That’s what you get for not taking your Metamucil.

It was Sunday night. She had just go out with him but it wasn’t really a date, it was more catch-up time.

You know what really makes this bad? I feel like some 10 year old is talking down to me a story they have in their mind, but yet they can’t quite illustrate it, thus torturing me until they finish. Kill…me…now…

They talked about everything they did after that long time where they didn’t see each other.

You mean the last 30 years?

But all her feelings for him came back. It was 5am and Kate hadn’t slept at all and didn’t thought it would happen so Kate went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Well it’s 5am, time to start the day by most people’s standards—and by most people I mean those with a day job.

After she came out of the shower she did her morning routine. Without breakfast she went to the precinct.

Wow, I wonder if she’s the cranky veteran detective who likes to crack puns over dead bodies? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: After a Long Time Part 2


Okay folks, to recap, the gang is in their 50’s and Castle get’s hit in a rain storm with ants, and Kate is all upset even though they haven’t talked in 20 years. Confused? So are we.

Remember, I mock the fic idea, not the horrible un-beta read story.

Stats: Title: After A Long Time Author: LuckyLaugher Summary: Rick and Kate met after a long time. There happend something. What will be next? What will happen if it’s her birthday and he want to gif her a special gift? Rating: K

Tree week later…

Wow! Tree’s not only grow money, but week later?

“K-Kate…?”

Wait, they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years and then he get hit and that’s the first thing out of his mouth from a bruise coma?

Rick finally wakes-up and opens her eyes.

“Rick! Rick! Your awake!”

Like oh my god! You’re awake!

Kate shouted as he wakes-up;

Someone needs to remind her, hospital!

she touches Rick’s hand to see if it wasn’t a dream, but it was real, and she was happy.

Wait, why is she checking to see if he’s real since she’s the one who wasn’t hit, he was.

Rick smiles still weak from the accident, she keeps closing her eyes again.

She keeps closing her eyes? Is waiting for someone to wake up that exhausting? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: After A Long Time


Okay before you all spam my email and comments about how dare I mock a fic by someone who doesn’t speak English? So sue me. Besides FicSlayerMC brought it to my attention that she mocked one first, so I decided that the special hell will house both us and I will bring the wine to share? Care to join us?

Remember, I mock the fic idea, not the horrible un-beta read story.

Stats: Title: After A Long Time Author: LuckyLaugher Summary: Rick and Kate met after a long time. There happend something. What will be next? What will happen if it’s her birthday and he want to gif her a special gift? Rating: K

Chapter 1: The Meating

Oh, we are going to have meat in this story? I hope it’s a great big steak.

As Rick Castle was walking down the street he noticed a poor blind man holding a can, he was asking for even a little amount of money, and Rick always had a soft spot for disabled people so he walk towards the blind man and gave him a tree dollar.

Is that how Castle gets all his money, by growing it on trees?

At the very exact time that Rick noticed the blind man, Kate Beckett was walking down the street as well, but on the other side. There was a Star Bucks at the side of the street, she still loved coffee, and walked into the shop.

It’s a good thing she loves coffee still, I’d hate to go to a Starbucks, let alone a Star Bucks and not like coffee,

And as Rick putted the dollars on the can, it suddenly rained, he immediately pulled out his umbrella.

Does he have a secret compartment that he keeps his umbrella hidden? Is that an umbrella or are you just happy to see me?

At the very exact time that it started to rain, Kate walked out of the star bucks, then she noticed that it was raining, but she had now umbrella so walk outside into the rain.

For the love of all things good, please oh please use a Beta reader! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Forget part 2


I would love to say that this next chapter of Forget adds a whole bunch of plot to the story, but it doesn’t. This chapter is basically just a recap with Castle’s POV. Aren’t we so lucky? I’ve always wanted to know what Castle POV is.

Stats:  Title: Forget Author: caskett4eva Summary: Set after season 2 finale. Beckett goes to a club to make herself feel better, but a guy she meets spikes her drink. She calls Castle for help whilst trying to get away from him. Can Castle somehow get to her before something happens to her? Rating: T


Castle was sitting in his office thinking.

And my head I’d be scratchin’
While my thoughts were busy hatchin’
If I only had a brain

He regretted asking his ex wife if she wanted to go to the Hampton. He realised his mistake as soon as they left the precinct.

That he too needed to pee too?

All she talked about was spending his money, and after a fight they had, she admitted why she accepted his invitation.

So she could make him finish his book and then spend his money?

So Castle decided to stay home for the summer.

Of course he did.

He’d just stay in his office. Beckett had Demming now. She didn’t want to see him again.

Yup, that’s right. She has the hot Demming now to spar with.

A few hours later his cell phone began to vibrate. He looked at the caller ID. It was Beckett. Maybe she wanted him back?

Nope, she’s just drunk dialing you. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Forget Part 1


Hello boys and girls! This is BCF here and I have a fic that’s perfect for the Monday schedule. Surprisingly it’s not a PedoBear fic, and doesn’t need to have the Lemon warning. Remember last week with the reusing of the condoms? Well this fic has the Salmon Dance, and Jaeger Bombs! Oh and yes, the beginning was an homage to The Salmon Dance. Sure it sucked, but how many of you can say you are cool enough to know about the Salmon Dance?

Stats: Title: Forget Author: caskett4eva Summary: Set after season 2 finale. Beckett goes to a club to make herself feel better, but a guy she meets spikes her drink. She calls Castle for help whilst trying to get away from him. Can Castle somehow get to her before something happens to her? Rating: T

Ok, so this idea randomly came to me. Hope you enjoy it.

This scares me that it just came to you one day.

Its a two-shot but it may go longer. Depends if people like it or not. Thanks.

Please only be a two-shot. PLEASE!

Beckett watched as he walked away, arm in arm with his ex wife. She couldn’t believe it. She opened her heart to him and he just threw it back in her face.

Technically she didn’t. I seem to remember her starting to say something about being hard to work with and then the ex wife walked in and she just said see you in the fall. Hardly call saying “see you in the fall,” as opening up your heart to someone.

Just then, a sudden fury came over Beckett. She was pissed.

Maybe she should just go to the bathroom and shed a tear. Wow, I just worked in a Warehouse 13 reference in a Castle Fanfic mock. Kudos to me!

Beckett heard a door creak open and she saw Lanie coming out, with a sympathetic look on her face.

“Kate-” she began but was cut off.

“No” she half yelled. “I don’t want to hear it” she said harshly

Then she grabbed her keys from her desk and just walked off.

She must really have to pee.

She wasn’t sure where she was going to go, but she didn’t care. Beckett just wanted to forget.

She drove for ages, losing track of time.

Wow she must be in Arkansas by now. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Time Flies part 2


I just love the parasite in the belly fics. Oh kids, how they make things so much more fun. Note the sarcasm. Nothing wrong with kids, don’t get me wrong but somehow they just don’t seem to fit yet in the Castle-verse, no matter how often fanfic writers try to make them fit right now. Not to say that a kid fic isn’t good if it’s done right, but we all know that’s not why we are here.

Stats: Title: Time Flies Author: HeatXWave10 Summary: Castle and Beckett find themselves in a situation that compells him to quit following her. But, what happens when they cross paths again threeyears later and Castle is hit with a major bombshell? Rating: K+

Dontchca just love how compels is misspelled.

Rick Castle had never expected to see Kate Beckett again. He especially never expected to see her like this. She was a mom now-who would’ve guessed?

Well it is what happens when you have sex and give the woman a parasite.

If he was betting on this, he would’ve lost. Of course, a lot can happen in a few years.

“Rick Castle?” Kate looked like she had just seen a ghost as well.

“Who else?” Castle asked rhetorically.

Wow is that a teenage author trying to find a new way of saying “Duh!”?

“Wow. It’s, uh-it’s been a long time”

I really hate it when authors add in uh to their stories. It’s a filler word and shows writing ignorance when used as filler.

“It certainly has.”

“You know each other?” Claire asked,

Random comma is so random!

“Yeah,” Kate said, “We, uh, used to work together. I can see he hasn’t changed a bit.”

“Well,” Castle said, shifting his eyes toward Hannah, “You obviously have.”

Ouch, snarky Castle!

“Um, Claire,” she turned to the nanny,

Really, why do we have to have KBecks have all these filler words in her sentences? I’m just waiting for the insertion of the word “like” and “totally!”

“Will you watch Hannah for a few more minutes? I need to talk to him.”

“Sure.”

Overtime for the nanny! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Time Flies


After the last Canie series I thought we would go with something light and fluffy. You all know my favorite fics happen to be ones that involve a Beckettt/Castle baby-so of course, how about a Castle/Beckett Baby! YAY!

Stast: Title: Time Flies Author: HeatXWave10 Summary: Castle and Beckett find themselves in a situation that compells him to quit following her. But, what happens when they cross paths again threeyears later and Castle is hit with a major bombshell? Rating: K+

Kate Beckett’s eyes flew open. Something wasn’t right. This wasn’t her room, nor was this her bed.

Sounds like someone had a little too much to drink last night. Dontcha just hate it when that happens?

Yet, she was laying under the covers without a stitch of clothing on-also not normal. Then she remembered. When she flipped over to her side, her fears were confirmed. Rick Castle was laying sound asleep next to her.

Wow, sounds like every fangirls dream, to wake up next to Richard Castle.

Oh, crap, she thought to herself.

How had this happened? She backtracked the previous night. It was only supposed to be a friendly home-cooked dinner, but Castle had insisted they have a drink before Kate left. By the time they had finished an entire bottle of wine, they were making out mindlessly on the couch. The rest was history.

If I only had a nickel for every time this happened…

It wasn’t that Kate hadn’t enjoyed it. On the contrary, it was great. But, the fact that she had let Castle get that far with her scared her. She hadn’t even let Demming get that far when she was dating him.

Wow, and I always thought “sharing a cab” meant having sex. Guess that’s what I get for having a condo in the gutter.

Read the rest of this entry

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