Mock the Fic: Random Morning

Sorry for the vacation we had while we waiting on an influx of new bad fics to be released for us to mock! Hope everyone is having a great American Thanksgiving weekend and a happy Black Friday. To celebrate, I present a new mock! YAY!

Stats: Title: Random Morning Author: ayac85 Summary: Castle has a cousin… and she is crazy… but in a good way! :- Original Character Rating: T

Ever want to fulfill a self fulfilling prophecy, then always start your stories with this.

Author’s Note: so any reviews are still greatly appreciated! and it’s definitely very roughly written… so forgive my horrible grammar and bad tenses…

Wow, I already hate you.

Beckett stepped into the elevator of the 12th Precinct, with her morning coffee, she had been tossing and turning all night trying to piece together the evidence in her head.

So she now stores evidence in her head? I’m sure if the defense lawyers ever found out     about this they would have a field day.

She really shouldn’t gone home it had only one benefit and that was the hot shower and changing into fresh clothes.

I think my third grade teacher is crying after readying the at sentence.

She was about to press the button to go up when she heard Castle call out “Hold the Door!” she pushed the button to hold the doors open and Castle appeared. He wasn’t his usual chipper self, no warming smile.

Aww does Castle need some Prozac?

“Castle what’s with upside down smile… no decoder ring in the cereal box this morning?”

Do they even still put toys in cereal boxes? That is so 1989.

Beckett teased pouting playfully as Castle frowned obviously not happy.

Wow a non clichéd bitter Beckett. I am impressed.

“Priya is in town” Castle grumbled

I see this is another story that is period challenged and has unique named Mary Sue characters. Wonderful! It’s like a Christmas present to all Castle Fans.

“Who is Priya?” Beckett asked as she punched the button for homicide floor figuring she was probably an ex- something of Castle’s that had re-emerge.

And a Hanukkah present filled with no commas!

The door closed and the elevator started to rise up.

Sadly, the Aerosmith song “Love in an Elevator” just popped into my head.

“A bundle of sugar and joy” Castle replied sarcastically

Oh Santa, thank-you so much for this bundle of joy of a fic that this author wrote us and decided to leave unbeta. If only you had gotten me a lump of coal instead.

“Any progress on the murder?”

You mean the murder of an author who can’t use proper grammar?

“You are changing the topic Castle…why does this ‘Priya’ have you all frowns it can’t be that bad?”

Why does this author feel the need to over use the ellipsis? It’s not like we are trailing off a sentence, or omitting words.

Beckett teased curiosity was piqued now.

So is Beckett teasing at her curiosity?

Because she was more interested in this ‘Priya’ than their case which had hit a slump she hoped that Esposito and Ryan had found something.

Like a comma?

“It is bad, every time she is in town there’s always trouble and it’s like a challenge to keep up with her” Castle replied

She must also steal periods too.

“Here I thought you liked challenges” Beckett replied dryly watching the numbers glow as they passed floors. She took a sip of her coffee.

I really feel like stabbing my screen with a red ink pen.

“There’s a challenge and a downright pain in your ass”

And then there is also a comma which makes you sound so much smarter and not a pain in the ass.

“Tell me about it” Beckett murmured, the elevator doors opened and they were greeted by the smell of fresh coffee and laughter.

Longest elevator ride ever. And that must be the strongest coffee in the world since the break room is nowhere near the elevator.

They stepped out and were about to enter the bullpen when Beckett and Castle stopped and watch the scene.

I’m confuzzled, what scene?

Esposito was at his desk talking to a woman who was sitting in a chair next to his desk. They were sharing coffee and chatting as if they were in a café. The woman had red hair was stylishly coiffed in a sleek conclave bob that barely touched her shoulders.

Sounds like an ex-wife of his or Jethro Gibbs on NCIS.

She wore a ruby red ¾ sleeved mini dress that hugged her fit figure, with a pair of black Louboutin heels that sat on the floor beside the chair. She held an icebag to her cheek and a cup of coffee in the other hand she talk animatedly with Esposito.

An ice bag? Like something you go to the gas station and get and weighs 5lbs and is full of ice?

“I think they are flirting” Beckett stated something she did not see Esposito do very often. Beckett heard Castle groan beside her “Priya” he grumbled, Beckett stepped back “That’s Priya?” she asked the woman was beautiful.

And to think I was thinking it was a car. Oh, my bad. That’s a Prius.


What the frak?

“You are seriously crazy” Esposito said shaking his head at Priya, after she regaled him with the tale of her most recent adventure.

Like a totally crazy Mary Sue?

“Yep and I make a mean Long Black” She replied her blue eyes twinkled mischievously at him as they shared coffee.

A what? Don’t tell me this is something from another country and us silly Americaners who are reading a fanfic about an American show with American, don’t know about.

“True” Esposito said with a smile.

“Anyway the guy mugged me, I wasn’t going to let him get away” Priya said, she re adjusted the icebag on her cheek.

There she goes again with that ice bag. I sure hopes its only the 5lber and not a 10lb.

“You could have been killed” Esposito replied his tone serious

“Thanks for the concern” Priya said, figuring it was his duty to inform her now that the police are more trained for the situation than she.

Because she’s a Mary Sue?

“I mean it, I don’t want to be trying to solve your murder” Esposito said, he liked the spirited redhead.

Yes, we American’s tell that to everyone we just met.,

“Wow, is that a pick up line?” Priya asked her eyes lighting up excited.

Nope, just a badfic line.


Seriously, WTF?

“What are you two looking at?” Ryan asked as he stood behind Beckett and Castle with a folder in hand. The two swung around guilty “Nothing” Castle answered “I was just asking for an update on the case” he said.

You know, it’s better to lie and use good grammar, so much more believable.

“Oh” Ryan said he peered around and saw the clear view of Esposito and Priya “So you wouldn’t be here to pick up your cousin?” he asked innocently.

And take her away and lock her up in Mary Sue jail?

“Well I didn’t know… was going to…” Castle said trying to find a reason but at a loss

Oh looks like Castle is not only losing his periods, but also his brain.

“Cousin, she’s your cousin” Beckett prompted

Did Beckett just call Castle her cousin?

“Yeah, didn’t I tell you?” Castle asked looking at Beckett then at Ryan. “My mother has a sister”

Sounds like a Maury Povich problem.

“Huh… you are surrounded by redheaded women” Beckett stated.

And the over use of ellipsis again. I’m going to start stabbing cute little bunnies each time you over use the ellipsis.


Dude, this is unnecessary and I want to kill you.

“Let me take a look at that face” Esposito said he leaned forward and took the ice pack from her hand for a moment and looked at her.

Now it’s an ice pack. Finally someone must have found a used Ziploc for her to put her ice from her ice bag into it.

She raised an eyebrow “I can take the truth.. it’s marred my good looks” she joked.

“I think you are still –”

A Mary Sue.

“So, the guy is going to drop the charges” Ryan interrupted as he brought a chair over breaking up the little moment Priya took the Icebag from Esposito and winked at him as she leaned back in her seat.

What a bipolar ice bag/pack.

“And so he should he mugged me… I was just getting back my purse… so technically I wasn’t doing anything illegal” Priya stated

Only if you count the non usage of a comma. And you just killed two cute little spotted bunnies with those multiple ellipsis.

“Well you did break his nose” Ryan said smothering a smile

“Whose side are you on?” Priya asked

“Priya… What are you doing here and what happened to your face?” Castle asked walking up to the group with Beckett.

Meh, do we care?

Priya smiled “I got mugged”

Good for you.

“Hi, I’m Detective Kate Beckett” Beckett introduced herself

Priya shook her hand “Priya Montgomery, nice to meet you… Ricky has told me a lot about you … well all of you” she had such a warm honest smile.

Oh please tell me she’s related to Captain Roy Montgomery.

“Hello, back to you being mugged” Castle said

Finally you use a comma, sadly, it wasn’t needed.

“are you ok?” he asked he didn’t want her digressing into conversations they had while messily drunk catching up of late.

Okay, that makes no sense at all. Messily drunk? How do you get messily drunk?

“Yeah, I’m fine but you wouldn’t believe the nerve of the guy… I got arrested” Priya said looking slightly angry, she placed the ice pack on the table shaking her head.

And now we are back to it being an ice pack. And now a cute little black bunny died.

“You got arrested?” Castle said in disbelief, he wondered why he hadn’t gotten the customary ‘bail me out of jail’ call this morning. Then remembered he left his phone.

He left his phone where? Did he leave it at home? Or is it at Gina’s place? You are really making me want to come and mark all over your face with a red Sharpie.

“Don’t worry we sorted it out” Esposito said “by the way here’s your phone” he handed Castle his phone.

Well thank God we finally know where his phone is located.

“Oh thanks, So what happened?” Castle asked again pocketing his phone.

Once again, one point for using the comma, but you lose three points for it being inappropriately used.

“I was on a first date with this hedge fund guy” Priya rolled her eyes “He was so boorish and uptight… definitely no potential for a second date”

Boorish? I really need to write a “Non American’s Guide to Writing American Fandom Fanfic!” book. We don’t say boorish in America. That sounds like a some guy named Boris eating porridge. Oh, I almost forgot, my new bunny fur jacket is almost complete since I keep having to kill them with your inappropriate use of ellipsis.

“Priya” Castle prompted cutting her off.

“Sorry I digress a lot…

Just like the author, which makes you such a good Mary Sue.

Anyway we were strolling up Broadway and this guy snatched my purse. My date was completely useless and so I ran after the scumbag in my heels… no less caught up to him we got into a bit of a punch up…

A punch up? What the hell is a punch up? I hate you! Oh look the right arm of my new jacket has a brown bunny fur added to it.

not my most graceful hour and then the cops appeared and I got arrested for assault while he got arrested for mugging me” She gave a nonchalant shrug and sipped of her coffee, Beckett didn’t know whether to laugh or not. Castle looked slightly horrified it was amusing to watch as Priya continued.

“The cops brought me here and they said I could make one phone call and I dial your number no answer and so I dial again

That would make it two phone calls then.

and Esposito here was kind enough to pick up the phone and bailed me out… my own hero” she said with a wink.

I don’t think it’s called “bailing me out” when it’s a cop getting you out of jail. Another addition to my right arm of my jacket with a black bunny.

“Is she telling the truth?” Castle asked the boys they nodded. Ryan held up a hand as in the gesture to wait.

“Well she did leave out the part about nearly starting a fight in Lock up with this butch hooker” Ryan said

Butch hooker. Nice.

“She was trying to steal my shoes” Priya said defending her own character “Seriously Ricky back me up I’m not this rowdy… no let me rephrase I’m not a girl who goes out looking for fights it just seems tonight that they gravitated their way to me”

Wow, people are gravitating their way to you to fight you? Must be because you over use the ellipsis and don’t know what a friggin comma is, let alone use one. Also, I now have a pair of warm bunny fur gloves to match my jacket.

“Yeah, it’s true she has a mean right hook, but rarely uses it…” Castle clarified. Priya playfully punched him in the arm.

Angora socks! Thanks for killing another bunny!

“Yeah well the uniforms thought it was pretty funny” Ryan said.

I’m sure they did.

“Well, yeah it was… anyway I forgot my keys to your place and I didn’t want to knock on the door and disturb Alexis it being a school night and all… Esposito and Ryan let me hang out here til you rocked up” Priya said she finished the last of her coffee.

Nice, now I have a cute angora sweater. Aren’t bunnies just the best.

“So being Castle’s cousin you must have some really good stories about him” Ryan said

“Oh yeah” she said with a knowing smile. She took a sip of her coffee, the boys waited for her to tell them a story. “There was this one time…” Priya

WOW! You used the ellipsis correctly. Does that mean I have to give my socks up?

paused and looked Castle who looked slightly afraid of what she was going to say “Nah I don’t kiss and tell”

Castle exhaled a sigh of relief while the others looked disappointed. Priya smiled evilly and turned her attention to Beckett.

“So Beckett, I’m in town for awhile I know a great bar we should get together and Dr Parish too…

Oh goodie, I get my socks back. And here in America, we add periods after a person’s title. Get use to it.,

hit the town, have a girl’s night…gossip and what not…” Priya said as she stepped into her shoes and got up from her chair.

And now I have a fur hat and more socks!

“Definitely” Beckett replied excited at the prospect of gossiping and hearing embarrassing stories about Castle growing up. They swapped business cards.

Wow! People still have business cards? I guess V-Cards aren’t used in other countries.

“Great…well this has been fun” She had that tone Castle recognised. It was the tone she used when she wanted to stay and make friends which he didn’t want.

I always thought that tone was used for when you wanted to leave.

Castle shook his head “Oh no” he said he picked Priya up and threw her over his shoulder “This is my playground, go find your own” he said “Now wave goodbye to them all, I’m taking you home” he swung her around so she could wave.

Really? Throwing her over his shoulder? Really? What world are you living in? A     Harlequin romance between cousins?

“Bye, I had fun” She said to them she then pointed at Esposito “and you” she said emphatically she mouthed ‘Call me’ and had her thumb to ear and pinky finger to her mouth as though her hand were a telephone receiver. She smiled saucily as Castle carried her away.

The End…

Really? That’s it? I feel like I just wasted ten minutes of my life I will never get back. Thanks!

Posted on November 26, 2010, in ayac85, OC, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Good mock… I would still be trying to find the point of this whole story if I wasn’t so certain it was just another waste of time!

  2. The Author: Ayac85

    Hey! thanks for the roast it’s good to know someone took the time to pull my 5 minute idea of a story to pieces. I’d apologise for my random and pointless story which was just abit of fun and try to defend myself in some way but hey I don’t care! because I’m Australian and apathetic that way… and americans do say boorish it’s the ones who travel and live abroad for awhile. So if you feel the need for me to answer any of your questions about my mary sue character or to red marker my world please feel free to email me and I’d be happy to give you a reply.. Oh and I’ll be posting your roast on my profile 🙂 Cheers!

  3. Ok. I’ll admit that I improperly use the elipsis instead of saying, “she paused” from time to time, but HOLY CRAP! Youhave enough dead bunnies (sad) to make everybody a fur coat. PETA is not pleased with you.

  4. The Author: Ayac85

    Fantastic! Rabbits/ bunnies are as delicious as they are cute and furry. Also if I am to understand you correctly I must have fed the world twice over with rabbit stew and kept the people warm in the winter with their lovely rabbit fur jackets, boots and hats which by the way is quite an achievement in less than 5,000 words if I do say so myself 🙂 I should take pride that I can give back to the community even if it is metaphorically speaking… Thank you I feel really happy now that I dropped by! lol keep up the good work 🙂

  5. I’m from NZ and I’ve never heard the word ‘boorish’ WTF!
    I commend the author for being such a good sport though. By the way a ‘Long Black’ is pretty much just black coffee.

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