Mock the Fic: Complete Loss
Since we are nearing the one year anniversary of BadCastleFic.com, I thought it would be fun to revisit some of the authors that made BCF so popular. My first revisit is to the author formally known as the jackall or the award winning author whose fic was the first Castle fic I ever mocked. So it looks like since mocking the jackall that person has changed their name to Cobra Grimes and combined all the one shot Castle fics to one big story. Since it seems I’ve mocked the other two, it’s only fitting I mock the third one.
As he lies in his bed in the motel he cannot help but wonder why him.
Because the show is named after him?
He lost his home and the true love of his life all in one night because of one horrible disaster.
Teaches you to leave the stove on while you’re gone.
A few hours earlier
Richard Castle had just returned home from his first date with Kate Beckett and he couldn’t be happier.
Awww isn’t that so sweet. I’m surprised he didn’t take her home and throw her against the wall and have sex, since that’s what the majority of the Castle fandom feels is going to happen on their first date.
As he was heading up the stairs to his room his phone rang,
Hello, Castle? Yes, this is me, your Loft. Remember that one time you got drunk and fell asleep in the bed with your mom? Yeah, we don’t want that to happen again ether, so I thought I would call to remind you that your bedroom isn’t upstairs, instead its downstairs off to the side of your office. You’ll thank me in the morning. Bye!
it was Esposito.
Oh so Esposito gets to be the one to remind you that your room is downstairs.
“We got a case Javi?”
Since when has Castle been on a first name basis with Esposito?
“No, Ryan and I have a case.”
So why are we having this
“Well why are you calling me then?”
Because someone has to remind you where your bedroom is located. Plus drunk dialing is fun.
“Well I need you to come down to the precinct as soon as possible.”
Ooh please tell me we are drunk dialing the mayor.
“Javi what aren’t you telling me?”
“Just get down here.”
Richard Castle arrived at the precinct ten minutes later.
Wow, what cab driver did he hail?
When he entered the bullpen he noticed Beckett was not at her desk or the whiteboard.
Please tell me she’s been fired.
As he approached Esposito’s desk he knew something was off because Lanie was there too.
That’s because they were having desk sex- and by “they” I mean Espolanie.
“Why am I here?”
Because someone has to throw the condom away. Might as well be you Mr. Castle.
“Bro, I am sorry to tell you this but Beckett had you on her list of contacts.”
Well duh, no one knows anyone’s phone number anymore.
“Okay, now why am I here?”
Because someone found her phone and you were the only number we could call and give it back to her?
“Rick, she is gone. I am her best friend and I cannot believe we have lost her.”
Whoa, wait! What just happened? Did she actually listen to Tom Tom and it gave her a wrong turn and she end up in the middle of the Hudson? Did she got to the library and get lost in the books?
Well, in some big libraries, it’s not hard. You just keep going up some flights, then down a different stairway and weave in and out a few rows of bookshelf’s and bam! You’re lost.
“She was shot outside of her apartment 30 minutes ago. It appears to be a professional hit.”
So why are they all standing around at work and not at the crime scene?
“I had just left her apartment fourty minutes ago.”
So what was she doing outside her apartment? Dancing by herself? Begging for change? Prostituting her body in hopes of finding her mothers killer?
“Dude, now I am really sorry.
Oh my bad Bro! Before I discovered you were on a date with her, I was actually happy about the Chickita’s death knowing I would get a promotion.
I had no idea you two were making it official.”
It’s only official if the Ambiguously Gay Duo makes it official too.
“Yeah we were going to tell you tomorrow. Can I see her?”
Sure, but we would have to go to the crime scene and then to the morgue which surprisingly isn’t in the basement of the precinct. Duh people!
“I do not think it is a good idea Rick.”
She really means that she needs a moment to slap on some makeup on KBecks.
“Okay Lanie. Javi I will see you in the morning. I am going to help you find her killer.”
So just like that, Castle is just going to go home? So no emotional breakdown? No questioning what happened? No murderous rampage?
“Okay bro, go home and get some sleep.”
And just like that, they are just going to let him go home, alone.
When Castle was approaching his building his whole floor exploded.
Luckily Alexis was away
Of course she was.
and his mom was at Chet’s.
Might as well hang a lantern on it while we are at it.
Unfortunately all his writings and pictures of Kate were in there.
Damn, I can’t imagine living without all his writing. And to think he will have to start all over again. Bummer. Oh and the pictures. Really?
He went to the closest hotel and rented a room.
And please tell me he kills himself. Please! And one last thing, why didn’t he call the fire department? Or The Ambiguously Gay Duo?
He went straight for the bed and contemplated his life over the past three years.
Then dumped a bottle of painkillers into his mouth while draining a bottle of vodka. As the slick liquid burned down his throat, he wondered, why me?
Three months later
The maid finally finds his body?
Javi had found the person behind his boss’ murder.
And now enjoys the perks of being head detective and getting the two for one special at Remys.
He and Ryan were able to easily convict the guy on 2 counts of conspiracy of murder.
Which is so much more dramatic than the one count of murder, and one count of attempted murder? Please watch just a few more of the older episodes of Law and Order and try again.
Castle finished his last Nikki Heat novel and never wrote again.
And thus started writing bad fanfic. Oh wait, that’s his normal books, fanfic with original characters.