Mock the Fic: My Season 4 Opening
Not going to lie. I was shocked at the ending, and then it hit me. Imagine all those upset and emotionally distraught wanna be writers who want to right the wrong, and ultimately get it completely wrong. And then I crackled my laugh, and I awaited for the troves of fics to pour into Fanfiction.net. Congratulations WetDry, you win! And I swear, this never mentions that it’s a crackfic. So in that case, I take it all as being serious piece of fan works.
I give the episode a three day warning. So thus you are warned, season three ender spoilers.
“Kate, don’t die on me!” Yelled Castle.
Oh Darlin’, don’t die!
“Oh, relax,” said Beckett. “‘Tis but a flesh wound.”
‘Tis but a flesh wound? And I’m guessing an amputated arm is just a cut?
She then got up to beat up her attacker.
Okay…super human healing Beckett on the attack!
She smacked him around for about a minute.
Drowning him in her blood?
“Who wanted to kill my mommy?” she demanded.
Yes, because everyone who wants to avenge their mothers death always say “Mommy!”
“They did,” said the shooter, pointing to Ryan and Esposito.
Okay… where is my wine. I don’t think I am drunk enough for this fic.
“No!” said Beckett. “It can’t be!”
No really, where is my wine? Vodka? Jaeger bomb?
“Yes!” said Esposito. “WE’RE THE REAL BAD GUYS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Oh God I’d take meth right now if it meant I could forget about this fic.
A long minute passed.
Yes, why? Because really I’m not drunk enough and I can’t find my mind bleach so I might as well ask these questions.
“Come to think of it,” said Ryan, “why did we do it?”
“Beats me,” said Esposito.
Waiter! More wine! Just bring the wine barrel and leave it please!
Beckett knocked their heads together. “I am so mad at you right now!” she said.
Really? That’s all she says? Really?
“Too bad,” said Ryan, “for we have backup!”
Okay, where is my BadCastleFic gang so we can beat the crap out of this fic.
Trust me, we’ve been asking the same questions too.
Castle looked on in horror has his poker buddies showed up, converted into battle cyborgs.
…I’m speechless. Utterly speechless. Waiter! Where is that damn alcohol? Just bring me the whole bar!
“Guys, guys, guys,” said Castle, “you of all people should know what a lame plot twist this is.”
Guys, guys, guys., you should know this never mentioned to be a crackfic sucks.
“TROPES ARE NOT BAD!” yelled one of the writers,
Where the hell did tropes come from?
as he fired a plasma cannon at Castle and Beckett, who just barely dodged.
Esposito used his newly-discovered magic to raise Montgomery as a zombie, which then merged with the bad guys to form Voltron.
I’m done. I walk away. Who has a gun? I need to take an author-wannabe out.
“Oh snap!” said Castle. “this would be a great twist for my-”
“Don’t even think about it,” said Beckett.
No because not even Castle’s books suck this much.
“I have an idea.” Castle walked over to Voltron and pressed its off button, turning it back into the people who formed it.
And a dead body on the ground? Did we all forget about Montgomery?
“An off button!” said one of the writers. “What were you thinking?”
What are you thinking?
“Tie them up, Castle,” said Beckett. She then put Montgomery back in his coffin, then they finished his funeral. After that, they took all the bad guys to the police station.
Which was half the precinct.
And so the mystery of Mrs. Beckett’s death was solved once and for all.
Okay, not really, since this isn’t canon.
No shit Sherlock.
Dammit where is that wine?