Mock the Fic: I am Nikki Heat Chapter 3


I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. How about we celebrate with a mock of this horrid story that just keeps churning out new chapters. Sometimes job security isn’t a good thing.

Title: I’m Nikki Heat Author:4evercaskett Summary: Kate gets hurt and is a little confused about who she is. Rating: M

Rick hardly slept at all that night.

Could it be because a hospital bed is not made for two?

He had tried several times to ease out of the bed,

Probably a little hard to do so because you two are packed in like sardines.

but every time he did, Kate would tighten her hold on him and nuzzle in closer.

Yes because that is so very Nikki Heat like.

So he lay there holding her like he had dreamed of doing for years, only she wasn’t his..she was hurt..and she was confused.

And acting like a whiny whore.

As the hours passed, he tried to figure out what he was going to do.

Go into hiding? Tell her the truth?

What exactly does this fantasy world she’s living in right now consist of?

Being fourteen and a whore. It’s every Detectives dream of escaping their normal duties to become a fourteen-year old whore.

Will she also remember her co-workers and family as their fictional characters in his books? Should he keep allowing her to kiss him? How long could he resist her?

How long is this going to continue before I want to drink bleach?

A thousand questions raced through his mind and very few answers.

Just like this story, thousands of things happening, nothing worth reading.

As dawn approached, Rick felt his cell phone vibrate. He had a message from Lanie.

Who need to smack some sense into him.

– n the lobby.
-esplainie:)

Breathe. Breathe. I will not kill someone. And really, who uses signatures on text messages other than twelve-year olds? That’s valuable characters being used I could normally use in said message.

He hit the call button for the nurse and sent Lanie a reply.

Okay the call button for the nurse is not going to call Lanie, unless she is said nurse.

-give me a sec..btw, luv ur sig
-Castle-

Really, no one uses signatures on their text messages. And really, Castle is an award winning aclaimed author, he is’t going to type a text message like a ten-year old.

The nurse came in and Rick informed her that he needed to go downstairs.

To which the nurse replies, “Finally, I was about to call security and have you escorted out of here.”

She nodded her understanding and made her way to the opposite side of the bed. As Rick eased out from under Kate’s arm, the nurse held onto it as if checking her pulse.

Um, that’s what the finger thing they put on your finger is for. Trust me, I’ve been in the hospital, I know.

Kate rolled towards her and Rick quietly exited the room.

Rolled towards her? What? Please tell me this is a Rick Roll.

“How was your night?” Lanie ask as she handed him the bag she had packed for Kate.

Why doesn’t Lanie just bring the bag up to her?

“Rough.” he sighed as he took a seat in the lobby. “I had very little sleep.”

Yeah well maybe you should’ve tried sleeping in the chair next time.

Lanie took his hand as she sat beside him. “What can I do?”

“I’m not sure.”

I know, make him stay home while you unbrainwash Kate.

“Listen,” Lanie began, “The boys will be here soon. They need to get a statement from her about the accident.”

Okay seriously, if she thinks she’s Nikki Heat then what makes you think she will remember what happened? I’m sorry but your logic fails me.

Rick raised his head and looked to her. “What if she doesn’t recognize them?”

Oh she will, she’ll calling them Roach.

“Well, we can say that they are just detectives working on finding out who hit her.” Lanie smiled as she finished explaining her plan. “I’ll come in too. If she doesn’t remember me, either as Lanie or Laura, I’ll tell her I’m a reporter or something.”

Laura? Who the hell is Laura? Last I checked the Nikki Heat counterpart is Lauren. Please do your research first then write. The Nikki Heat characterization is way out in left field wrong, and you can’t even get the right names of the book characters.

“Hey, that might work! I’ll see you all in a little while then.” A look of relief crossed Rick’s face as he stood and turned to go back to Kate. “If she doesn’t remember you, you could just tell the truth…you are Esposito’s girlfriend.”

And that makes a difference how? Why would a detectives girlfriend be visiting you?

Lanie tried to smack Rick but she was too slow.

Is she drunk because I’m sure Lanie is never too slow to smack someone.

He called out in laughter as he made his way down the hall. “Esplainie..”

This is simply just embarrassing.

Kate was awake when he entered her room. “I just went to pick up some clothes for you.” Rick said as he sat down her bag. He noticed the worried look on her face and had to ask, “What’s wrong?”

Like OMG I missed you Cuddle Bear.

“I just want to go home.”

I just want this fic to end.

“I know you do. The doctor said he would be in here this morning to check you again, and you would probably be discharged before noon.” Rick smiled at her as she reached out and took his hand. She pulled him closer to her and whispered against his lips..”Good morning.”

Oh for the love of Pete, please don’t make out.

‘Oh damn…oh damn..she’s going to kiss me again.’ He thought. ‘I can’t keep doing this. What am I going to do?’

Walk away? I know, it’s such a novel concept.

Just before her lips touched his, she turned her head to the door. “Roach!”

Ewe, bugs. What hospital is this? St. Slumin in the Hood of Down Town, NY?

Rick turned and saw their friends at the door. Lanie stepped out from behind the boys and was fighting with everything in her not to rush to Kates side. She didn’t have to fight long.

“Lauren” Kate all but whispered as she opened up her arms, inviting her in for a hug.

Well thank-God Kate at least knows the name of the characters in the book, unlike the author.

Lanie practically ran to her.

“Girl, you scared us all there for a while. If you weren’t already banged up, I’d smacka you.”

Why oh why does Lanie always smack people?

When they released each other, Kate nodded to her team. “Ochoa, Raley, any leads on who hit me?”

When did they walk in? This fic makes no sense.

Ryan took the lead, offering up all the info they had gotten from witnesses and the detectives that were working the case. “From what the witnesses say, you were running down the sidewalk and didn’t seem to be paying much attention to traffic as you tried to cross the street. We know the make and model of the car, the tag number and we have a very good description of the driver. When we find him, he will pay.”

For what, her own stupidity of running across the street without looking? Sure you can get him on hit and run

“Thanks you guys.” Kate smiled at her co-workers. “Just make sure you do it by the book, OK?”

Darn I was hoping they were going to do it by the top of their heads.

The three of them nodded and said their goodbyes. As they exited her room, they noticed Josh preparing to enter. Lanie put a hand on Esposito’s arm, “Hold up just a sec.” She wanted to hear this.

Eavesdropping?

“Can I help you?” Kate ask her former lover.

“You don’t remember me?”

Of course not since you’re not in the book cannon.

“Should I?” She glanced over to Rick and then the doctor.

Rick walked over to her side and couldn’t help but smile a little as he looked at Josh. ‘Maybe, at least for a little while, she is mine.’ he thought as he took a seat beside her bed.

What the hell kind of internal thinking is this? Next thing we know

Josh seemed hurt as he looked to Rick and then to Kate. “No, I guess you wouldn’t remember me. I was here last night when they brought you in. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.”

Bullshit.

Lanie had heard enough, she pulled the boys away from the door and the three of them high fived as they walked away smiling.

What the frak kind of friend is Lanie?

“I’ll be doing a lot better once I get out of here.” Kate smiled as she laced her fingers in Ricks.

Josh cleared his throat and bid them good day. Rick couldn’t help but feel a little guilty as he watched him walk away, seemingly heartbroken.

Might as well take a knife and stab him in the heart Castle.

The doctor came in right before noon and made a final examanation of Kate.

I’m impressed it took this long to have a misspelled room.

He told her she was ready to be relesed

Oh come on, that’s not a hard one to spell.

but needed to take it easy for a few days. He warned them that if she started getting bad headaches, or if any cuts began to bleed again, they needed to return to the hospital.

Okay, cut will start to bleed again, that’s why they make band-aids. Dumbass.

A couple nurses came in to unhook her from the IV’s and help her get dressed as Rick went to sign her release papers. Once he finished up, he texted his mother and Alexis, telling them he would call as soon as he and Kate were settled at the beach house.

Seriously, why the frak is he taking her to the Hamptons? Hasn’t he ever watched Royal Pains? Hamptons Heritage is not the best place to be, unless we are crossing over and Hank Med will be taking over her case. But your too dumb to know how to do a crossover, let alone like two good shows.

As he placed the phone back into his pocket, he looked up to see Kate being pushed in a wheelchair towards him. “Take me home Rook.”

“About that…” he stammered, “I was thinking we should goto my place in the Hamptons for a couple days. It will be easier for you to rest there.”

But we won’t mention the long drive there while you ache.

“Jamie…” Kate whined.

I don’t think Nikki calls Rook Jamie all but twice in the books.

“Listen to me for just a second, detective..”

Ugh.

Rick found it rather hard to call her Nikki so he found other ways to address her when he spoke to her. “It will be quiet up there, and that’s what you need right now. Look at it as a mini vacation, just you and me…”

And the unfortunate readers of this badfic.

“OK” She smiled as she interrupted him and reached for his hand. “I like the sound of that.”

Rick cursed himself as he wheeled her out to his waiting car. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’

Oh trust me, we’ve all been asking the same question.

****Are you guys still with me? I hope so, ’cause it’s fixing to get to the good part. 😉

Why hasn’t people been leaving this fic bad reviews? It’s horrible and everyone who comments on it squeals about how good it is. Obviously fine taste is not always acquired.

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Posted on May 30, 2011, in 4evercaskett, Brain Bleach, Clichéd Fic, Down Town, grammar, Mock, who needs grammar?. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. The Royal Pains reference had me rolling on the floor. I smell an epic crossover crack!fic.

    And what the hell does “fixing to get to the good part” even mean? Wouldn’t “because we’re almost to the good part” do just as much good?

    I hate fourteen year olds who pretend to be 34 year olds.

  2. “Being fourteen and a whore. It’s every Detectives dream of escaping their normal duties to become a fourteen-year old whore.”
    I laughed so hard at this bit.

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