Mock the Fic: Castle’s new daughter

If you get a creepy feeling while reading this fic, fear not, it’s just Pedobear groping you as you read it. Haven’t done two mocks in one day, but this felt like something that need to be done since the last one was a bit on the small side. This fic was passed to me via twitter and is full of Mary Sue goodness. Oh and this author has the longest profile ever and likes to mix British education with American society.

Stats: Title: Castle’s New Daughter Author:Spikes_number_1_pet Summary: When Emily Cole a 14 year old girl’s parents are murdered. Castle remembers that Emily’s parents were old friends, he does everything he can to help her. So he adopts her, gives her a home and a family. But will he chatch the killers. Rating: T

The calm before the storm.

I don’t own castle. I own Emily and Adam.

Oh lucky for us that you don’t own Castle.

The song that helped me write this No apologies. By bon jovi.

Poor Bon Jovi.

Chapter one.

Oh how can I contain my excitement?

My name is Emily, Emily Cole.

I bet $5 that this is ether the name of the author, name of the authors bff, or a combo of the authors name and the guy she likes last name.

I’m fifteen but I’m living a nightmere of a life.

What is a nightmere of a life? Was it a night by itself?

I’m sitting my GCSE’s in the next couple of months.

The what? Okay not going to lie, I had to Google it. That’s nice that you are finally graduating from secondary education in England, but this is America. We have something here called High School and you don’t generally have to take special tests to graduate high school.

I live in a care home as both my parents were murdered.

Is that like a nursing home for annoying kids?

The only person that’s any help is Rick Castle, oh and Kate Beckett. Kate’s from NYPD.

Oh do tell how they are so much help being as to they are Yanks in America and you are in Jolly Old England. Is it so hard for authors of other countries to do research? I know this author is 14, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a computer to google their research.

Rick’s a old family friend and a writer.

A family friend for a family that doesn’t live anymore.

For his new books, he’s getting insperataion from Kate.

That’s an ‘E for Effort!’ for sounding out how to spell inspiration.

So that’s how he know’s all about my case.

So he knows about your case because he’s a friend of your dead family?

Rick has always and will always be there for me. I’m sitting with Castle right now.

Where, in Jolly Old England? Say hi to the Queen for me. Pet one of her corgi’s while you are there.

Him and Detective Beckett, have taken me out of class.

Wow, I guess in England they will let anyone take a kid out of school.

My teacher Adam Summers is with us. Adam rocks! I’m dating him.

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa! She is dating her teacher? In America that’s called grounds for a scandal and firing.

“Miss Cole” Detective Beckett starts.
“Detective, call me Em, or Emily.” I say. She nodds.

What, no Emme?

“Where were you the night your parents were killed?” She asks.

Someone care to tell me why NYPD cops are investigating a murder that happened in England? I’m confused.

“I was out” I said crying. Rick comes and sits next to me. “Castle! Rick Castle. What the hell you doing here?” I asked him.

Yes, do tell. Why are you in England? It’s not as if you are in New York since we don’t take the GCSE test.

“I’m working with NYPD. Soon as I saw your name sweetie I came straight here with Beckett.” Castle says.

Has Castle really ever said sweetie to anyone, even his daughter?

“Thanks Rick. ” Beckett looks at me and Castle. “Sorry Dectective. I was out.”

Smoking weed and drinking? Oh and you spelled detective wrong.

“Do you have anyone who can vouch for you.”

I’m sure no one will remember her since they were all high.

” I can. She was with me from 6 pm till the time she phoned the police after finding her parents bodies.” Adam says. I looked at him shcoked he’d tell the police.

Shchoked? Is that like shocked and choked at the same time?

“And you are?” Castle asked.

Emily’s Pedobear teacher.

“Adam Summers. I’m Em’s physics teacher” Castle was getting worked up.

All hot and bothered Mr. Castle? Sounds like he’s a little on the Pedobear side too.

“Why would she be with you in the mentioned hours?” Beckett asked.

Because they were having sex.

“We’ve been daing for the past 6 months. That night was out aniversairy.”

Wow, pedophile much why don’t you? I’m glad he isn’t your English teacher since your spelling is atrocious. For example, it’s anniversary not aniversairy, and dating not daing.

I said closing my eyes so I didn’t have to see castle freak.

I hope this castle that is freaking is a bouncy castle. Nothing like a freaking out bouncy castle.

I didn’t need to see it. I could hear it perfectly fine.

Hear what, his grinding teeth? The handcuffs going on your teachers wrist and being read his rights?

“How old are you and you’ve been dating a fragile 15 year old student. Are you out of you tiny mind.”

She’s nothing but a wilting flower!

Castle was yelling. “How do you think her parents were going to feel. Did you kill them to shut them up about you and there little girl.”

Maybe that’s why they are dead.

“Rick! Shut up! Mum and dad knew.”

Remember darling, this is an American fic, we say Mom not mum. Mum here is an annoying flower that buys most people’s allergies in the fall.

I said looking Rick in the eye. “Mum wasn’t happy to start off, and dad wanted to ram his fist into Adam’s face but they saw how happy he makes me, they saw how much I changed with Adam around. Can’t you see it Rick. Can’t you be happy for me. ” I asked him.

Shouldn’t we be more concerned with how illegal this is and how wrong and how Adam should be fired from his job? How can you justify him being her teacher when he’s dating her?

“Linda and Andy knew and were fine with it.” Rick asked. I nodded. he hugged me “then I can be to.” He said and my smile tripled.

    Really? Just because someone’s parents agree with it doesn’t mean you have to agree with it. Just because my daughters friends drink and their     parents let them doesn’t mean I’m okay with them drinking. I seriously hate teenagers who try to write beyond their age.

“Rick I have a favour to ask you” I said He looked at me. It was an hour after Beckett left. “Could you adopt me?” I aksed.

I’m sure he would if you could spell ‘asked’ correctly.

He nodded “Of course I can darling.”

Just like that? Really? REALLY? I think a five year old would know it’s more complicated than asking someone to adopt them and that person saying yes.

He gave me a lift to the care home

Oh he carried you?

and told them he was taking me home. They let him.

Really? Just like that, no lawyer, no paperwork, no nothing and he just gets to go home with her.

We got to his house. I walked in.

Wow, did you fly from England to his house or did you just magically appear at the doorway?

“Mother, Lexis” they came into the living room.

Both magically appeared in the living room.

“Do you remeber the Cole’s” Both ladies nodded. “They’ve been murdered, so I’ve adopted Em.”


“Yay, it’ll be great, It’ll be like having a little sister” Aleixs said.

Did an alien take control of Alexis’ body and brain? Who is this child?

“I’ll be like the sister you never had. She led me to her I mean our room.

Yes because who wants to sleep in the musty old guest bedroom?

I quickly went to castle’s office.
“Dad” I said quitely.

And if this fic didn’t need to get any more awkward, now she’s calling him dad after her own parents were killed and Castle adopted her. All in one day. Wow! Someone needs to bottle whatever happy not facing reality drug she is on and pass it out. By the way, it’s not hard to spell quietly.

“Yes hun,” He replied.
“Don’t thank me yet sweetie, wait till me and Backett have caught the people who did this to your parents.”

I seriously think Castle would have said: “wait till Beckett and I…” and I’m sure he would know how to spell Beckett. Backett? I wonder if that’s Beckett’s backwards cousin from the hillbilly mountains?

Then he realised. “You called me dad” I nodded. “I liked it.” I smiled

Don’t feel special Castle, I’m sure she calls her teacher boyfriend Dad too. In fact I’m pretty sure she screams it out when they have sex.

“So did I Dad.”

Which translate to:  “Spank me Daddy, I’ve been a bad bad girl for having sex with my teacher!”

Posted on June 13, 2011, in Mary Sue, Mock, Pedobear, Poor Sweet Baby Jesus, Spike's number 1 pet. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. This fic was bad in general, due to all the spelling, puncutation, and grammatical eroors. The only thing I wouldn’t give the author too much grief over is her mistake about the difference in the education systems. It’s a common mistake for writers,especially new writers, to do this when writing a fic.

  2. Em’s clearly a Mary Sue…

  3. Actually, I’m feeling bad for having laughed so hard at a 14-year-old’s mistakes. Someone seems to have a crush on her teacher. It’s also mildly shocking that she obviously thinks it’s okay for a teenager to date her teacher, because it’s just not. And it’s certainly illegal in the UK as well.

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