Category Archives: Brain Bleach

Mock the Fic: I am Nikki Heat Chapter 8


Normally I do an opener to the fic to help set the tone. But alas I will let the Authors opener suffice and mock hers. Oh and this one is very lemony flavored too.


Title: I’m Nikki Heat Author:4evercaskett Summary: Kate gets hurt and is a little confused about who she is. Rating: M

****Some people may say that my spelling sucks,

I do say that.

I have no understanding of grammer,

Obviously since you can’t even spell grammar right.

and my characters may not be portrayed they way they think they should be,

And by the way they think they should she means the creator, writers, and actors of the show.

well then, I say ‘boo-hoo’, don’t read my stories.

Wow what a novel idea! If things worked that way I would be without a job.

I am not even trying to pretend to be a writer, I only do this for fun as I have stated before.

Thank-God you aren’t doing this for the money, otherwise you would be piss poor broke.

Another thing I would like to say is, one good review means more to me than twenty bad ones.

Good positive thinking!

To everyone that has let me know how much they enjoy my stories, by leaving a review or adding an alert, even those of you that didn’t take the time to do either, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Wow, just a little comma happy?

“Listen to this one from Eposito.”

Eposito? Really if you can’t spell the name of one of the main characters on the show, then maybe writing Castle fanfic isn’t working out the best for you.

Rick chuckled as he read the text aloud.

I would laugh too if I misspelled my friend’s name.

“Bro, don’t hold out on us. How much ‘Heat’ was there last night?”

That is way too much info to ask about one’s boss in bed. Yeah, not something I would want to know is how my boss was in bed last night.

“Most of mine are just the ‘Glad you’re ok, see you soon.’ kind of thing.”

How many people do you now that would text you that?

Kate said as she scrolled through her messages. She smiled and shook her head as she opened the first one from Lanie.

“She packed you a sexy nighty?” Rick raised an eyebrow as he leaned in closer to read the rest of the message.

Something is really wrong with this friendship. If my friend packed me lingerie after I was in a hit and run instead of yoga pants and sweats, then we would be having a talk about our friendship.

“Castle! Stop reading over my shoulder!”

“Read them to me then.” He pouted and leaned back against the headboard with his arms crossed over his chest.

Yes, please read them to me in that sexy voice.

“Fine, you big baby.” Kate scooted in between Ricks legs and leaned back against his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and listened as she read off the rest of the messages.

Really? I never read my boyfriend my text messages, and trust me I didn’t have anything that he couldn’t read himself.

‘-Call me ASAP!’

How romantic.

‘-Answer your phone!’

Nothing says let’s have sex like ‘answer your phone!’

‘-Are you feeling better today?’ Kate turned her head and spoke softly. “That last one was from Josh.”

Buzz kill.

Rick groaned and closed his eyes. “Are you going to reply?”

Sure, why not?

Kate thought for a moment then typed out a short but meaningful message to Josh.

See now did that hurt anyone?

‘-A little sore and tired, but Castle is taking great care of me.’

She smiled up at Rick and let him read what she wrote before she hit send. “We should send something like that to the rest of the gang.” Rick said as he began pressing buttons on his phone.

Trust me, your friends and family don’t want naked pictures of you two on their phones. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: I am Nikki Heat Chapter 4


All I can say about this chapter is, drink a big huge glass of bleach and hope to wake up with no memory.

Title: I’m Nikki Heat Author:4evercaskett Summary: Kate gets hurt and is a little confused about who she is. Rating: M

***Sorry for the delay. This is a short chapter but I hope you guys enjoy it.

So does this mean I won’t be hitting my head on my desk as much?

***For those of you that don’t know, Victoria St. Claire is the penname Jameson Rook uses to write romance novels.

No shit Sherlock. Really, you remember this but not Lauren Perry’s name?

Kate slept the whole way there and Rick was grateful for that for a couple reasons. One, she needed the rest. And two, he didn’t have to worry about fighting off her advances.

So does staying in a hospital make one stupid and horny?

As he pulled into the driveway, she stirred and slowly opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. “Nice place Mr. Jameson.” Kate told him as he opened the front door and stepped aside to allow her entrance.

So what time of day is this? Besides being at the beach house, where the hell are we? I’m confuzzled.

“My moonlighting as Victoria St. Claire, has proven to be very profitable.” Rick said with a grin.

Or it could be because he’s an award winning journalist. They make good money, but you wouldn’t know that at your age.

“Oh please tell me you have some of your, I mean, her books here. I would love to soak in a tub while reading some of those hot sex scenes.”

I really don’t want to touch this sentence for fear of getting herpes.

“Afraid not, my dear.” Rick said with a fake frown plastered to his face. “This is where I go to get away from everthing.

Everthing? I didn’t know ever had a thing. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: I am Nikki Heat Chapter 3


I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. How about we celebrate with a mock of this horrid story that just keeps churning out new chapters. Sometimes job security isn’t a good thing.

Title: I’m Nikki Heat Author:4evercaskett Summary: Kate gets hurt and is a little confused about who she is. Rating: M

Rick hardly slept at all that night.

Could it be because a hospital bed is not made for two?

He had tried several times to ease out of the bed,

Probably a little hard to do so because you two are packed in like sardines.

but every time he did, Kate would tighten her hold on him and nuzzle in closer.

Yes because that is so very Nikki Heat like.

So he lay there holding her like he had dreamed of doing for years, only she wasn’t his..she was hurt..and she was confused.

And acting like a whiny whore.

As the hours passed, he tried to figure out what he was going to do.

Go into hiding? Tell her the truth?

What exactly does this fantasy world she’s living in right now consist of?

Being fourteen and a whore. It’s every Detectives dream of escaping their normal duties to become a fourteen-year old whore.

Will she also remember her co-workers and family as their fictional characters in his books? Should he keep allowing her to kiss him? How long could he resist her?

How long is this going to continue before I want to drink bleach?

A thousand questions raced through his mind and very few answers.

Just like this story, thousands of things happening, nothing worth reading.

As dawn approached, Rick felt his cell phone vibrate. He had a message from Lanie.

Who need to smack some sense into him.

– n the lobby.
-esplainie:)

Breathe. Breathe. I will not kill someone. And really, who uses signatures on text messages other than twelve-year olds? That’s valuable characters being used I could normally use in said message.

He hit the call button for the nurse and sent Lanie a reply.

Okay the call button for the nurse is not going to call Lanie, unless she is said nurse.

-give me a sec..btw, luv ur sig
-Castle-

Really, no one uses signatures on their text messages. And really, Castle is an award winning aclaimed author, he is’t going to type a text message like a ten-year old.

The nurse came in and Rick informed her that he needed to go downstairs.

To which the nurse replies, “Finally, I was about to call security and have you escorted out of here.”

She nodded her understanding and made her way to the opposite side of the bed. As Rick eased out from under Kate’s arm, the nurse held onto it as if checking her pulse.

Um, that’s what the finger thing they put on your finger is for. Trust me, I’ve been in the hospital, I know.

Kate rolled towards her and Rick quietly exited the room.

Rolled towards her? What? Please tell me this is a Rick Roll. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Katherine Beckett and Richard Castle


YAY These just keep coming and coming. I think it’s self explanatory when I say it’s a season three finale fic, again. This one was written by a 14 year old who really needs to pay more attention in class than writing fanfic. Someone needs to write to Fanfiction.net and ask to implement a higher age restriction. I’m thinking at least 16 or older.

Stats: Title:Katherine Beckett and Richard Castle Author:FlyingHighAboveTheOceanSummary: Really bad but I don’t care. Spoiler for 3×24. Rating: K+

You know it’s bad when the author tells you it’s bad in the summary. Wow. What little faith the author has for their own work.

Two weeks.

Two days.

Two weeks since

Two days since the episode aired and you are already butchering it.

Katherine Josephine Beckett

That’s a new middle name.

was shot while speaking at the funeral of the man who died to save her. Katherine Beckett was still sick to her stomach.

Could that be because she got shot in the stomach?

She could barely eat or move.

Probably not the best when you had a bullet rip it to shreds.

The bullet that hit her two weeks ago went in right below her rib cage.

In other words, stomach.

As of right now, Katherine Beckett was staring off in space as her boyfriend went on about when he was in Haiti.

I thought he didn’t go. Did I miss something?

She didn’t care. If it wasn’t for the fact that she could barely utter a word, she would break up with him.

Because that’s what ever sane girl does after they’ve been shot. Break up with their boyfriends.

Kate took the pad of paper off of the nightstand and the pen next to it. She quickly scribbled out a note.

Painkillers?

‘Were over, leave please.’

I sure hope that’s the painkillers talking and not the education status of the author.

She turned it around for Josh to see. He quickly rushed out of the room.

Crying his eyes out instead of patting her on the head and telling her he would get her more drugs?

Kate sighed and rested her head back on the pillow. Her world soon became fully blackened by sleep.

Right…

She awoke a few hours later to Richard Castle looking at.

Looking at what? Looking at the sentence you ended with a preposition? (more…)

Mock the Fic: Complete Loss


Since we are nearing the one year anniversary of BadCastleFic.com, I thought it would be fun to revisit some of the authors that made BCF so popular. My first revisit is to the author formally known as the jackall or the award winning author whose fic was the first Castle fic I ever mocked. So it looks like since mocking the jackall that person has changed their name to Cobra Grimes and combined all the one shot Castle fics to one big story. Since it seems I’ve mocked the other two, it’s only fitting I mock the third one.

Stats: Title: Complete Loss Author: Cobra Grimes Subject: All my one shots in one convient place! Rating: M


As he lies in his bed in the motel he cannot help but wonder why him.

Because the show is named after him?

He lost his home and the true love of his life all in one night because of one horrible disaster.

Teaches you to leave the stove on while you’re gone.

A few hours earlier

Okay…

Richard Castle had just returned home from his first date with Kate Beckett and he couldn’t be happier.

Awww isn’t that so sweet. I’m surprised he didn’t take her home and throw her against the wall and have sex, since that’s what the majority of the Castle fandom feels is going to happen on their first date.

As he was heading up the stairs to his room his phone rang,

Hello, Castle? Yes, this is me, your Loft. Remember that one time you got drunk and fell asleep in the bed with your mom? Yeah, we don’t want that to happen again ether, so I thought I would call to remind you that your bedroom isn’t upstairs, instead its downstairs off to the side of your office. You’ll thank me in the morning. Bye!

it was Esposito.

Oh so Esposito gets to be the one to remind you that your room is downstairs.

“We got a case Javi?”

Since when has Castle been on a first name basis with Esposito?

“No, Ryan and I have a case.”

So why are we having this

“Well why are you calling me then?”

Because someone has to remind you where your bedroom is located. Plus drunk dialing is fun.

“Well I need you to come down to the precinct as soon as possible.”

Ooh please tell me we are drunk dialing the mayor. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Dancing with the Detectives


Another Monday means another mock! This one is a bad crossover and I shall warn you, you will want your sporks and brain bleach ready to go for this fic. Please be warned, watching it may make you want to never see Dancing with the Stars the same ever again.

Stats: Title:Dancing with the Detectives Author: Redheadthegreat  Summary: what happens when beckett and castle get called on to dance on dancing with the stars? not good at summarys but PLEASE read because i love you all! oh and this WILL turn out caskett and has NOTHING to do with to love & die in L.A Rating: T


Hey guys! thanks SOOOO much for looking at this.

How could I miss it?

this is my first castle fan-fic and im soooo excited for the season finale for season 3!

It’s quite obvious that this is your first attempt at writing since you don’t know how to capitalize the name of a show, there is no dash between fan and fic, you need to capitalize the I and apostrophe before the “m” and last but not least, you have way too many o’s in the word “so.”

I figured out that Castle gets freakin kidnapped in the last scene!

Really? Where the hell did you get this from and why isn’t there any spoiler alerts?

FINALLY SOMETHING JUICY!

Like OMG! It’s totally caps lock worthy!

so thanks for reading and tell me if yall like it or not! thanks!

Oh you’ll know how I feel, just continue to read.

It was just another lazy afternoon for Detective Kate Beckett as another day went by without a case.

Was there some sort of vacation happening in New York and all the murder’s out on vacation? I hope they all went to Walt Disney World and dressed up as pirates.

She was lounging in the break-room with Castle. They both had their feet up on the table and sharing a big bowl of the new pretzel MnM’s.

Really? Really? First, not cool with the product placement. Second, I’m sure she has paperwork to file, or get ready for court…oh wait you wouldn’t know about those since you are 10 years old and think it’s “so cool that they are in love!”

They bantered idly back and forth for an hour until Detectives Esposito and Ryan came waltzing in

Wow, I wonder what music they waltzed into the room with?

and took seats beside them at the round table. They chatted carelessly until Chief Montgomery came in

And reminded them they have a job to do, and he doesn’t pay them to eat candy.

with a smile on his face. “great news! The mayor just called and said that abc wanted a deal with us!”

Oh boy! The Mouse wants to make a deal with you! I guess Uncle Walt’s frozen head finally spoke and told ABC to make a deal with a famous writer and the detective he whores out as a muse.

they all looked at him dumbly

Yeah I would too.

until Ryan spoke up, “like the tv channel?”

No, like the Alphabet.

esposito gave him a slap on the back of his head. ” no duh. Sometimes I wonder-”

Sometimes I wonder why authors don’t capitalize names

he was cut off by montgomery,

What did Montgomery cut off, I hope it was a finger. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wet Teeshirt Chapter 7 (this one never ends)


I know you are just dying to know what her books she is selling is all about since she seems to want to plug them on this chapter. So thus, I present my uber stalkish ways and here is the Amazon synopsis of her book The Invisible String: “Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? Charlotte Turner did. But she wasn’t alone. One tug on the invisible string and she knew he’d find her, facing the world together, they knew they could overcome anything.”
I know you all are just dying to get a copy.

Stats: Title:Wet Teeshirt Author:stevieLUVSAlex Summary: It’s the CAMPING trip that will change everything between the duo. Pranks… fun… friendly fire… and possiblly C&B fluff. You’re gonna love this. Rating: K+

A/N: I JUST looked up you tube about meeting the parents,

Wow, is you tube in Australia someone stuck in a tube?

thanks to Bella Girl and I discovered that Ash’s parents are serious and stitched up,

Stitched up? Did sharks bite them and the need stitches?

which someone already pointed out in a review, thank you, so maybe I have got the hang of this…

Obviously not since you are still using the ellipsis the way they aren’t made to be used.

*rubs chin* now I might consider publishing a book of my own, YES, and I shall call it THE INVISIBLE STRING: the secrets that bind… oh, wait, I’ve already done that! Hehehe.

Trust me, we know. Just like we know that no one buys the books ether since you are ranked #713,854 on Amazon Best Sellers. That sucks, just like your books.

I have the BEST FF readers in the world! *does a happy dance* and as a gesture of thanks I give you MORE fun and more pranks! =)

Lucky us. Note the sarcasm.

Beckett grinned to herself as she bent down to take the shoe in her hand. Castle was going to get it, there was no doubt about that, and she was going to win the next round for sure. She made it quick, and moved away from the entrance of the tent, going to fix herself her morning cup of coffee.

Once again, the mythical coffee. And how long is this trip again? Are we on day five?

Ashley’s mother was up already. It seemed she was always up earlier than Beckett.

Probably reading her mythical Wall street Journal she got out of the machine next to the driftwood on the beach.

“What did you just do?” she asked suspiciously.

Beckett held her head high, trying not to let the woman intimidate her, or make her feel immature. It was a bit of fun. It was light. No one was getting hurt. “Just a little payback,” she shrugged.

Because she’s 14?

The woman looked back at her disapprovingly. “Do you really think it’s wise to encourage him? He’s like a child in the playground.”

Which isn’t saying much since obviously Beckett is a child in a playground too. I guess we should rename her for this fic HBICP (head bitch in charge of playground)

“I think he’s a lot of fun, actually,” she responded, surprising herself that she had defended him so quickly. “It wouldn’t hurt you to take a leaf from his book either. Relax… laugh a little… it really does make you better to be around,”

Stop with the ellipsis! Please! You are making poor sweet Baby Jesus cry. And he doesn’t cry.

she said confidently. Beckett was getting used to Castle and his “play time” but she knew, as he told her the previous day, that when it mattered he stepped up to the plate and acted like a man.

Castle cleared his throat then, standing in the entrance of the tent, indicating that he had heard the conversation. Beckett blushed and looked into her coffee cup.

Really, are we on day five of this camping trip? Did everyone just take a week off in November and go camping? Who does this in November? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wet Teeshirt Chapter 6 (are we done yet?)


I really wish this fic was done yet. It’s one of those stories that makes me want to drink myself into a stupor and hope I don’t wake up in the morning. Sadly, I always wake up and thus live on to mock another chapter of this crap.

Stats: Title:Wet Teeshirt Author:stevieLUVSAlex Summary: It’s the CAMPING trip that will change everything between the duo. Pranks… fun… friendly fire… and possiblly C&B fluff. You’re gonna love this. Rating: K+

A/N: It was brought to my attention that I made an error. It’s HOT during the day and COOL at night, it has to be HOT or else there’s no point being dumped with cold water, and it has to be COOL at night or else Castle could sleep on the floor… and no one wants that, not even Beckett, despite her false protest. =)

Are you not going to even mention the fact that you don’t go swimming outside when it’s in the 40’s? Let’s not mention the whole shark comment.

Ps. I’d give Ashley’s parents names, if I could discover what they were. *hint, help*

Wow, never thought of making their names up? It’s not hard and obviously you don’t have problems making crap up since you wrote this crap fic.

Beckett felt shy with him the following morning, realizing that she had slept all night with his arms around her waist. She was careful to loosen herself without waking him and slipped out of the sleeping bag before he stirred. Ashley’s mother was already up and making coffee.

I hope that’s with a coffee press and boiled water. Or do they have extension cords and plug ins built into the trees in Down Town, NY?

“Would you like one?” she asked politely.

One what? Gotta be a bit more specific.

Beckett nodded. “Yeah, that would be great, thanks.”

The two women sat down around the campfire, sipping on their morning habit.

Sounds like they put meth or crack into their morning coffee.

“So, Kate, how long have you and Richard been…?” Ashley’s mother asked making conversation.

Beckett spat her coffee onto the ground, and wiped her chin, as the dribble of her hot coffee trickled down her face. “We’re not!” she stated matter-of-factly. She could feel her cheeks flush.

Ashley’s mother frowned. “You’re not?”

I take it Ashley’s mother is another Castle/Beckett fangirl who can’t imagine the two not together.

“NO!” she assured her. “Castle and I are…” what were they exactly? “Partners. He follows me around for research for his books, that’s ALL!”

I’m surprised the author isn’t having our HBIC performing a hissy fit and stomping on the floor.

The woman eyed her suspiciously. She didn’t look like she believed her.

Yup, the mom must be a 14 year old fangirl.

“You and Richard were acting rather-”

“I know,” she interrupted. “I… I’m sorry. He was tickling me.”

I’m also imagining that the author of this fic is also 14 years old.

She mentally slapped her forehead. How old am I? She cursed herself. She was acting like a five year old. What grown woman giggles and plays childish tickle games?

One that is being written out of character by a 14 year old.

Ashley’s mother raised an eyebrow in obvious disapproval. Beckett blushed again.

Castle made an appearance then, stretching as he stepped out of the tent, Beckett’s eyes caught a glimpse of his naked chest before she turned her eyes to the floor. “Morning all,” he greeted.

“Goodmorning,” Ashley’s mother replied politely.

Really? In the land of 14 year olds in the big Down Under, do you always make good morning into one word? And why is Castle shirtless? Doesn’t the author know that every time Castle goes shirtless the ratings go down? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wet Teeeshirt Chapter 5


I cannot stress the importance for people to do their research when it comes to writing a story. It’s not hard. You don’t have to do eight pages with a minimum of 10000 words for the research. Just a simple google this will help when it comes to making your story not a piece of steaming crap. So here we go again, with this wet teeshirt fic. I cannot stress the fact that Amazon has lowered itself to sell this authors books. I can’t imagine how the book is based on how crappy her fics are.

Stats: Title:Wet Teeshirt Author:stevieLUVSAlex Summary: It’s the CAMPING trip that will change everything between the duo. Pranks… fun… friendly fire… and possiblly C&B fluff. You’re gonna love this. Rating: K+

A/N: This was fun to write. I love how at the end of every chapter, I find myself with a large grin set on my face.

Funny, I always end a chapter of this fic with a scowl on my face.

I hope you find the same experience… let the games begin! =)

Seriously, do we have to let them begin?

The degrees increased considerably over the course of the day. By 2 o’clock it had reached 42 degrees.

Whoa! Heat wave! At that temperature, we can all strip off our scarves.

Alexis and Ashley were swimming in the beach, and the adults, were seated under a shade umbrella, the women sun-baking on towels, and the men, drinking cold beer.

Are you kidding me? Swimming and its 42 degrees? Hello, hypothermia. Since this story references an episode that aired in November, and its deep into the fall temperatures, can you say hypothermia? Even at Celsius degrees that is 107ish degrees. No, get your facts right before you write a story. Yanks can be stupid, but not stupid enough to go swimming outside when its 42 degrees, let alone sun baking.

“You wanna swim?” Castle offered, standing up from the sand and holding out his hand to Beckett.

She hesitated. “No thanks,” she answered quietly. “I don’t like the water.”

Or maybe it’s because she’s smarter than the average dumb Yankee and knows better than to get hypothermia in the middle of the forest in New York.

“Why not,” he pressed. “It’s the best part of camping.”

Beckett shrugged. “Don’t like sharks. I’m quite content sitting on my towel and soaking up the sun.”

Where the hell are they camping that has sharks in the woods? Is this Down Town, New York?

Castle stared at her a moment. It would have been better had she been at least wearing a bikini. Instead, she was wearing shorts and a white t-shirt.

And where is this parka that she would need for said outfit if it’s 42 frakin degree’s outside. I don’t know about you, but that is cold.

At least he got a glimpse of the ‘package’ as he eyed off her long tanned legs.

What, is UPS now in this fic? I guess the brown truck goes everywhere, including the beach at Down Town, NY.

Beckett cleared her throat, and Castle snapped his eyes back up to her face.

“What?” he asked innocently.

“Mm-hu,” she moaned. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“As a matter of fact,” he answered wondering off towards the water.

Yes, he has the mystery of “Where the hell are we camping?” to solve. Chop chop Castle, get on top of that mystery. Please.

… … … … … …

It was when they were back at their campsite that Castle got his brilliant idea. He had been saving all his pranks for the second day of camping, but he didn’t want to overwhelm her with tricks. Besides, as she reminded him, she had a gun. He had to pick his battles.

He had the bucket already set up. He had only to attach it, and did so when she went into the tent for some “quiet time” when she came out, zipping the tent open and moved the flaps to exit, the bucket tipped, pouring the contents of cold water all over her.

How the hell do you do this in a pop up tent? Have you ever been even camping? Tents, are small, and I’m pretty sure that most tents you will notice as you try to unzip them that there is a bucket above it. Besides, you unzip the tent, then go in, not go in while you unzip. Therefore your logic fails me.

A squeal of terror leapt from her throat, as she stood still, drenched in water. It ran through her hair and down her face, soaking into the white t-shirt. His eyes were already drawn to the wet t-shirt, giving little imagination of what lay underneath, his pupils dilated as his eyes widened with obvious approval. Beckett whimpered as she began to tremble from the cold. It was like ice water.

And what, is she camping without a bra? Wow. Obviously you’ve never been hiking/camping before. Sports bra’s are your friend, but I’m guessing you don’t have anything on your chest to have to worry about and therefore don’t know what a bra does for a body. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wet Teeshirt Chapter 3


I am completely enjoying all the comments I have received regarding this horrible fic I have been mocking. It is scary to think that 189 people have gushed to the author of this crap fic about how much they love it and want her to continue. I feel the urge to start a revolution for the new year of “truthful” comments. Those are the ones we all really want to leave and let the author know what a steaming piece of crap their fic is, but refrain from out of the need for being polite member of society.

Stats: Title:Wet Teeshirt Author:stevieLUVSAlex Summary: It’s the CAMPING trip that will change everything between the duo. Pranks… fun… friendly fire… and possiblly C&B fluff. You’re gonna love this. Rating: K+

A/N: Thought I’d make you wait a few days for this chapter, but you might find it pleasantly entertaining, so hopefully it was worth it. Here goes…

Oh how lucky we are to have another chapter. Die.

As they arrived at the campsite, Beckett climbed out of the car, her eyes scanning the place.

Got to love those empty La Quinta parking lots.

“There’s no one here,” she observed.

I hear that there is an infestation of bedbugs in that parking lot. Have fun.

“They’re coming soon,” Alexis answered glancing at her watch. “Dad likes to get here early, he’s always afraid that someone else will get the better ground.”

Yes, because we all hate to have to sleep on the cold ground without a parking block to rest our head on.

“Don’t mock me, my child,” Castle warned. “If it weren’t for me, our tent would be pitched in a tree… or worse, on the sand, and we’d be woken with the morning tide.”

Where the hell are they camping? Are they on the Gulf Shore or the Hudson Bay?

Alexis rolled her eyes.

Trust me, we all are rolling our eyes out too.

… … … … … … … …

Damn you and your ellipses Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Wet Teeshirt Chapter 2


I just found out this week that this author is a published author. And by published author I mean she forked over her own money to have her books self published. I’m assuming that her books contain over uses of ellipsis, bad characterization of her own characters, and run on sentences. Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas? Don’t forget to act surprised when you find that Santa left one in your stocking this year.

 

Stats: Title:Wet Teeshirt Author:stevieLUVSAlex Summary: It’s the CAMPING trip that will change everything between the duo. Pranks… fun… friendly fire… and possiblly C&B fluff. You’re gonna love this. Rating: K+

A/N: I am floored at the response to this story, the alerts were incredible. Obviously I have gained your respect through my other FF’s,

Obviously, they aren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses since that one piece of badfic you wrote insulted them and their religion. And obviously these so-called people you have gained respect from have no taste at all.

and I want to tell you that I only wrote them for you guys…

Awe, aren’t your too kind. Please stop, now. And also will you for the love of Pete stop using ellipsis. They are not needed and make you look uneducated.

okay, and a little for my will they/won’t they, desire to have my star-crossed lovers together.

That sentence made no sense at all.

I will do my best not to let you down, and make it worth the read, leaving you wanting more and more. =)

Trust me when I say that is not necessary.

“Come on Alexis…” Castle urged impatiently. It was early morning and he was ready to go, eager to drive his daughter and partner to the campsite and begin what could only be described as ‘the best fun ever’ and he knew it would be.

Totally! Best fun ever!

He had plans. He had pranks up his sleeve. This was going to be a camping trip that Kate Beckett wished she came on every year,

Of course, because don’t we all want to go on camping trips each year when we know that the people we are going with are going to play pranks on us. Nothing says good times like a trip to the woods to go snipe hunting.

either that or she’d want to kill him and drown him in a bucket of hot oil. He was going for the first one, looking on the positive side, he was a ‘glass half-full type man.

Obviously this author is the type of girl who doesn’t know who to rewrite this sentence without using so many commas.

Castle couldn’t contain his excitement.

“Relax, dad,” Alexis laughed as she came bounding down the stairs, her duffle bag in tact.

Or know that intact is one word and not two.

Castle snatched the bag from her hands, “I got it… let’s go,”

And here we go again with the ellipsis.

he said and dragged it towards the door. He had packed his bag hours before, too impatient to wait. He had double checked he had all his prank tools with him, packed somewhere amongst his camping gear.

You know he has to carry this into the woods, not roll it around in the airport and drop it off with TSA to check.

He brought anything that he thought Beckett might forget, except a sleeping bag and tent, with little remorse on the VERY off-chance that she hadn’t had one and expected Castle to provide it for her.

Okay, what? He brought anything he thought she might forget except for a tent and a sleeping bag? So what, did he pack a bra and undies in his bag for her? Or was it a box of tampons? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: A Christmas Carol Castle Style


I am going to warn you, this one is HORRIBLE! It’s beyond horrible. I don’t even think a gallon of brain bleach will make this one disappear from my brain. You have been forewarned. Do not keep any guns or knives around you while you read this, otherwise you may want to end your life early.

Stats: A Christmas Carol Castle Style Author: Csinypsychrocks10 Summary: my version of a Christmas carol with a castle twist! and for the reader that read my story i didnt add my other character in this story. Rating: K+

 

A Christmas carol Castle style.

Castle and Beckett have a huge fight right before Christmas.

Aw. Poor Castle and Beckett, now they are only going to get coal under their Christmas tree.

Christmas for Kate Beckett will never be the same for her ever again”

Wow, all because she has a fight with Castle? And what’s up with the random quotation mark at the end? Please tell me this isn’t a sign of things to come.

“YOU KNOW WHAT?”

NO WHAT? Is it that you’re an idiot who can’t figure out how to type a story without using all capitals? Even my Grandma who is in her 90’s knows that using all capitals means you are ignorant, uneducated, and just plain rude because your screaming!

“LANEY WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU HOLD EVERY SINGLE LITTLE EMOTION INSIDE”

Wait, who is exactly talking? I have no fraking clue what the sam hill is going on in this story. Is this someone yelling at a brick wall? Could be since obviously the author was too busy having her characters scream at each other to let us know what the heck is going on in this retched story.

“SO?”

I know you are but what am I?

“THAT YOUR PROBLEM KATE YOU WONT LET ANYBODY IN YOU KEEP YOURSELF SO SHELTERED AFRAID THAT YOU MIGHT GET HURT BY SOMEBODY”

You know what the authors problem is? Their problem is they can’t have a normal story that won’t confuse the hell out the readers, let alone use commas, periods or exclamation marks.

“YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH YOU WERENT MY PARTNER THINGS WERE A LOT SIMPLIER WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE OR TELLING SOMEONE TO STAY IN THE CAR STAY BEHIND ME”

Where is my letter opener? There is an author that is just begging for me to stab them with it so they can feel the pain I am feeling right now just reading this piece of steaming crap. And technically, all she has to do is tell Castle to not come back, we all know it worked one time, it will work again. No need for screaming.

“WELL IM SORRY MAYBE I JUST LEAVE AND I WONT COME BACK”

Good and while you are at it Castle, take this piece of crapfic with you and throw it in the garbage.

“GREAT”

“FINE”

“FINE”

Please tell me this is almost over.

CASTLE PICKS UP HIS JACKET AND WALKS OUT OF THE PRECINET KATE SITS DOWN HER DESK STILL FUMMING.

Really? Your continuing the capital letters when it isn’t dialogue? I sure hope for your sake that the caps lock got stuck and you couldn’t get it unstuck and just had to write this before your addled brain forgot what you dreamed up. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Summers Over


I don’t know how to describe this next mock. It’s up there with the story I posted for the Mocking challenge. Bad. Not just bad bad, but Horribly Bad. Words cannot describe it properly. But I will warn you, you might want to get a gun and find the author to shoot them, so please leave all shot guns locked up for your own safety.

Stats: Title:Summers over Author: kbeckett96 Summary: rick is back after a long summer Rating: K

It had been a long summer. With Castle gone Kate Becketts days were often very quiet.

Wow, the apostrophe is free. Please feel free to use it.

But summer was over now and she really wasnt sure if he would be coming back.

I’m sure we can blame this crappy author for this crappy fic if Castle doesn’t come back.

She got up to get a cup of coffee when she heard “Kate!” she whipped around and saw Castle himself running towards her.

Like OMG! He’s back! Let’s have a party.

He ran over and picked her up in a big bear hug kissed her on the cheek and set her down.

Wow! That was very unCastle like.

She just stood there. “did ya miss me detective?”

Wow, I’m impressed that you know how to use the question mark. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover part 2


I wish I had better news, but this fic just keeps continuing. I know you all are just dying to read the next chapter of this fic! I’ve decided that this has to be altverse Castle and Glee. That’s the only way to explain this crappiness and horrible characterization of this fic. Please let it end soon. Once again, you will want the brain bleach afterwords.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author:LuckyLaugher Summary: A serial killer is in Ohio and Kate Beckett has to catch the bastard before he killed someone. Rating: K

Chapter Two: To School

Kate woke up. She looked at the clock and saw that she had still an hour. She took a shower, got dressed and drank her coffee. It didn’t feel normal to have a house for her alone. It was time to go.

Doesn’t she live alone in an apartment? Only thing different about living in a house vs an apartment is you don’t have people above you stomping around. And how did the precinct afford to give her a house? Shouldn’t she be living in a no name motel?

When she arrived at the school, she was walking around when Emma bumped into her.

Don’t you have to check in at the office and get a badge these days? I know its been about ten years since I was last in high school, but even then I had to wear a badge and so did the faculty.

“You alright?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, you?” Kate asked the woman nodded.

Okay, I’m not a huge fan of Glee, I enjoy the show and all, but wouldn’t Emma have to go take a shower since someone touched her?

“Hi, I’m Be- Kate Beckett”

“Hi, then you are the new math teacher? I’m Emma Pillsbury the guidance counsellor.”

Wow, you might not be able to us punctuation, but you sure do know how to insert extra letters into the words.

“Yeah, nice to meet you.”

I still don’t know what Kate Beckett being a cop means for her to be a math teacher.

“Yes, nice to meet you too. I think that I’m the one who will show you around until you really start. I think it was Monday.”

Okay here is a free English lesson for this author: “was” designates it as something that has happened. So if it hasn’t happed yet, then don’t use was.

“Yeah, I start Monday.”

“Now let’s put your stuff in my office.”

What kind of stuff does she have? Has she already gone out and purchased a “Worlds Best Teacher” mug already? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover part 1


I don’t understand the need to crossover two shows that obviously have nothing in common and shouldn’t be crossed over. I get the idea of crossing Law and Order characters over with Castle (ooh McCoy as our DA on Castle? AWESOME!) But crossing Castle with Glee makes me want to bang my head against the wall and go WTF?! Obviously these two don’t exist in the same universe, or genre. And I will be seriously disturbed and will cry “JUMP THE SHARK!” if we have a music episode of Castle. So folks, if you can’t tell, we have yet another Glee/Castle crossover fic. Why the hell anyone picks this pairing is beyond me. I know I said I was taking the holiday weekend off, but I had too many people tell me about this fic and ask me to mock it asap that I present a “special” Saturday holiday mock. It has my favorite clichés in it: working undercover (sorry, no baby in this one, yet)!

Stats: Title: Undercover Author:LuckyLaugher Summary: A serial killer is in Ohio and Kate Beckett has to catch the bastard before he killed someone. Rating: K

Once again, weird formating warning: I didn’t format this fic, this was all the authors work.

This is my first crossover, hope you like it

And hopefully last. What the hell are we even crossing this fic over with?

Chapter one: To Ohio

I dread going to Ohio, I really really do.

Kate Beckett sat behind her desk. It was a normal day, without a case. Castle went home to work

on his book. Ryan and Esposito were having lunch, when the captain called her in to his office.

I think we’ve had this conversation before, please stop talking to me like I’m 2. Unless you are attempting to write the newest Olivia book, then stop talking down to me! Die.

“Beckett,” The captain said.

“Yes, sir.”

“In my office” She walked into his office.

Wow, do you also jump when the Captain says jump?

“What’s wrong, sir?”

“Sit down” She sat down and he continued.

Did Castle die? Or maybe it was Alexis. Read the rest of this entry

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