Category Archives: Down Town
Wow, did hell freeze over? I think this author is actually using a beta reader. Too bad the beta reader doesn’t get rid of the creepiness of this fic and how out of characters the characters are acting. This one is a short piece and didn’t give me much to mock. But alas, I can’t skip a single chapter of this atrocious fic. This one is mildly lemon flavored but not enough to make you want to throw up.
Kate had just eased into the tub when she heard Rick knock at the door.
Is this all she does is take baths?
She chuckled as she told him to come in.
And she is laughing why?
He held a book under one arm, her medicine and a glass of water in his hands.
Wow, a glass of water while in a bath. How romantic. At least he could bring her a Champagne glass of ginger ale.
She raised up to take the glass from him and heard him sigh as he watched the patch of bubbles slowly slide down her chest.
A sigh? Really?
A smile crept upon her lips and she sat up straighter just to mess with him a little more.
Anyone else embarrassed that we are reading this fic? Yeah, so am I.
“Good lord woman…” Rick growled as he handed her the pills and water. “If you don’t want company in there, you better take this and let me go.”
Last I checked, she didn’t have you handcuffed to the toilet, forcing you to endure her long torturous bath.
She quickly downed her medicine and handed him back the empty glass. “We can’t have that, not with your mother and daughter in the next room, so just hand me the book and go.”
No we can’t have that, especially when your readers are reading this.
Rick gave her his sad face as he handed the book to her. “Don’t you want me to read to you?”
Only when its books on tapes.
“Castle, I just finished reading this book for the third time right before I had my accident.” Kate told him when she noticed the book he had brought her was none other than ‘Naked Heat’.
Wow, reading it three times and yet she still acted out of character and slutty. Wow, I guess she must have sucked in school when it came to book reports.
“That explains a lot about your actions the past couple days then.”
No, it doesn’t. She was slutty and last time I read Naked Heat, Nikki Heat wasn’t slutty.
He knelt down and leaned into her face,
Talk about invading a personal bubble.
his hand played with the bubbles that floated near her breast. “You had just read the ending, where Nikki comes home to her apartment and finds Rook sitting at the dinning table working on his article.”
Dining room table. I have no clue what a dinning is. Read the rest of this entry
I can safely say, no smut in this chapter. The angels are singing ‘Hallelujah!’ And the only lemons nearby is the cold glass of lemonade I am drinking. Lets enjoy this fluffy chapter as it is what it is.
***OK, I am now looking for a Beta Reader. I would prefer to have someone that watches both Bones and Castle so if anyone is interested or knows someone that would be willing to help, please let me know. Sorry for the delay in updating, but I just couldn’t find the time to write.
Now? You wait till now to get a beta reader? Really? And you don’t need someone who watches Bones and Castle to beta read, unless that means you are adding Bones to the fic. Oh crap, you are, aren’t you?
It was getting late in the evening when Rick pulled Kate closer to him and began nibbling her neck. “So, I’ve been thinking… we should throw a big party and announce to everyone that we are in love and..”
Normally you don’t do this unless you are engaged. Seriously, Hallmark doesn’t make a “Finally we had sex!” invitation.
“No way Castle, that’s not gonna happen.”
Hallmark also doesn’t make a “Congratulations on finally hooking up!” card ether.
Rick pulled his lips away from her skin to give her his hurt look. “How about a little party?”
No, trust me, that’s in bad taste.
“How about this… we sneak home tonight, inform your mother and Alexis about the change in our relationship, and take things from there.”
How about we pretend nothing happened and just go from there?
Like a man on a mission, Rick quickly stood up and began dressing. “Get a move on Detective, we have a long drive ahead of us.”
Wow, that’s some way to kick a girl out of your bed.
They were packed and headed out the door before it even got dark out.
Did they even sleep last night or just have sex? Read the rest of this entry
I am just going to warn all my readers, this is bad bad bad bad bad smut. No not the bad smut that leaves you all hot and bothered, not his is the bad kind that makes you want to take a shower to get all the grime off and feel clean again.
***Sorry for the delay, but I was sick all weekend. I rushed through this as fast as I could, don’t know if it will be up to the standards of the previous chapters.
No matter how anxious your fans are, I’m sure they can be patient and wait till you feel better so you can actually write quality work.
Let me know if I let you down, I can handle it. I think..
Let’s be honest, you let me down with the first chapter.
Please tell me Jr. isn’t bouncing around as he jumps around in his room.
He had went to bed last night in only boxers and they did very little to hide his current state of arousal.
“What..when..how..I’m sorry Kate..please don’t be mad at me..” Rick stammered as he paced the bedroom floor, finally locating a robe and wrapped it tightly around his body.
Surprise! You’re on Candid Camera! Oh wait, that show is way older and not around when you were born, so I guess I should say, you’ve been punked!
“Rick..” Kate whispered as she held out a hand to him. “Come here.”
Why isn’t she dying from laughter? I would be in this situation.
He made his way to the bedside and sat beside her, refusing to look at her as she spoke to him.
Shame will do that to a person.
He felt like he had taken advantage of her, and embarrassed for what she had witnessed earlier in the shower, he couldn’t bring himself to look in her eyes as she caressed his hand.
“I remember.” She whispered as she squeezed his hand, “I remember everything.”
Awkward! Hell I feel awkward for just reading this situation.
Kate touched her hand to his face as she continued, ” And, I should be the one apologizing to you. ”
Because I let me inner drunk slutty girl get the best of me and control my every moves? And I’m no expert but I seriously don’t think that when you
“Kate,” Rick whispered as he finally looked at her. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were confused…I’m the one who took advantage of the situation, and for that, I’m truly sorry.”
Oh I need a barf bag.
Kate leaned into him and brushed her lips over his. “You didn’t do anything I didn’t want yo to do.”
Yo yo yo C-Dawg.
She chuckled then added, “Actually, you did do something I didn’t want you to do…you stopped.”
I really am fighting the urge to beat my head on the desk.
Her lips found his again and she moaned into his mouth as she removed the belt from his robe.
Let me go update my virus protection software.
Rick grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap as their tongues began to duel. ‘Nikki Heat has nothing on Kate Beckett’, Rick thought as his hands worked their way under her t-shirt. Kate was grinding against him, ravishing his neck as she slid his robe off.
I about died from laughing how Nikki Heat has nothing on Kate Beckett. They are the same person! Read the rest of this entry
I love the drama this website brings. Enough said, now on to the mock!
***Short little update but I figure it’s best to give you guys something to remeber me by
Oh trust me, your shitty spelling is enough for me to not forget who you are.
everyday instead of longer chapters once a week. Also, the death threats are beginning to worry me 😦
Finally my readers are taking action.
Just kidding.. I love you all. Everyone who has read and secretly enjoyed or hated and especially those who leave reviews or add alerts..LUV YUNS ALL BUNCHES!
Love you too!
Trust me, we all say this when your fic updates each day.
He screamed as he jumped to the furthest corner of the shower trying to hide his nudity and grabbed a towel to cover himself up.
Well it’s a little too late for that now don’t you think?
He walked out of the shower, turned off the water and looked at her. “How long have you been in here?”
Way too long.
“Long enough to hear you call out another womans name while you jerked off.”
She glared at him, awaiting an explination.
I would like an explanation on why you can’t spell.
“Are you cheating on me, Rook?”
Yes, yes he is.
Why would Castle call her Baby?
He promised as he hugged her to him.
Isn’t he wet and naked?
“I could never be with another woman. You have my heart and soul, always.”
And my wet dick on your shorts.
Kate pushed against his chest and shook her head back and forth like trying to wake from a dream or something. “…Always…”
AHHHHHHHHHHH! Stop with the multiple periods. Please. I beg you!
She looked into his eyes as she spoke the one word that her and Rick repeated so many times to each other over the past year and he saw her confusion. He didn’t know if she had repeated ‘always’ because she was looking for reassurance of his faithfulness, or was she remembering something…
Something that was said once, in one episode. Read the rest of this entry
I am going to warn you, you are about to read bad smut. Not bad in the good way of makes you feel a bit naughty for reading, no this is bad enough you wish a nun would smack your knuckles and hand you a glass of bleach to forget you read it. You have been forewarned. I’ve also been notified that the author has been told that her precious fic is being mocked. Meh. Bring on the Drama Llamas.
***See, I told you I wouldn’t leave you hanging long. Hopefully this chapter makes up for the cliffy I left yesterday.
Read at your own risk, this is a pretty steamy one 🙂
Let me make sure to open up my windows and let the steam out.
Rick made his way over to her and reached for her hand, lacing their fingers together. “I want to be with you more than you know.”
Too bad she’s not the person he wants to be with.
Kate slowly raised her head to look at him. “Then why did you stop?”
Hmm, let’s think about this for a moment. You have a mental problem that should have you institutionalized or at least under doctor supervision.
“I promised I would never hurt you in any way and you are injured right now so..we need to wait.. you need to eat, take your medicine, and rest.”
And this author needs to learn that it’s three periods not two and you don’t get to use them in place of a comma. Ellipsis are used to show you omitted words, or to shorten a quote, but be cautious that it doesn’t change the meaning of said quote. From what I can tell you did not omit words, you are just omitting a comma. Now grant it be it has an informal use according to Chicago Manual of Style says you can use ellipsis as a way to pause in emails. Considering this isn’t an email, then you shouldn’t be using it. It’s not a proper way to write and makes you look ignorant. So unless you are emailing, or I’ll even accept it if you are tweeting, then use the comma instead. Also, remember that ellipsis consist of three periods, not two, not four, not as many as you want. It’s three. If anyone learns anything from my website, I hope it’s how to use an ellipsis correctly. Read the rest of this entry
All I can say about this chapter is, drink a big huge glass of bleach and hope to wake up with no memory.
***Sorry for the delay. This is a short chapter but I hope you guys enjoy it.
So does this mean I won’t be hitting my head on my desk as much?
***For those of you that don’t know, Victoria St. Claire is the penname Jameson Rook uses to write romance novels.
No shit Sherlock. Really, you remember this but not Lauren Perry’s name?
Kate slept the whole way there and Rick was grateful for that for a couple reasons. One, she needed the rest. And two, he didn’t have to worry about fighting off her advances.
As he pulled into the driveway, she stirred and slowly opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. “Nice place Mr. Jameson.” Kate told him as he opened the front door and stepped aside to allow her entrance.
So what time of day is this? Besides being at the beach house, where the hell are we? I’m confuzzled.
“My moonlighting as Victoria St. Claire, has proven to be very profitable.” Rick said with a grin.
Or it could be because he’s an award winning journalist. They make good money, but you wouldn’t know that at your age.
“Oh please tell me you have some of your, I mean, her books here. I would love to soak in a tub while reading some of those hot sex scenes.”
I really don’t want to touch this sentence for fear of getting herpes.
“Afraid not, my dear.” Rick said with a fake frown plastered to his face. “This is where I go to get away from everthing.
Everthing? I didn’t know ever had a thing. Read the rest of this entry
I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. How about we celebrate with a mock of this horrid story that just keeps churning out new chapters. Sometimes job security isn’t a good thing.
Rick hardly slept at all that night.
Could it be because a hospital bed is not made for two?
He had tried several times to ease out of the bed,
Probably a little hard to do so because you two are packed in like sardines.
but every time he did, Kate would tighten her hold on him and nuzzle in closer.
Yes because that is so very Nikki Heat like.
So he lay there holding her like he had dreamed of doing for years, only she wasn’t his..she was hurt..and she was confused.
And acting like a whiny whore.
As the hours passed, he tried to figure out what he was going to do.
Go into hiding? Tell her the truth?
What exactly does this fantasy world she’s living in right now consist of?
Being fourteen and a whore. It’s every Detectives dream of escaping their normal duties to become a fourteen-year old whore.
Will she also remember her co-workers and family as their fictional characters in his books? Should he keep allowing her to kiss him? How long could he resist her?
How long is this going to continue before I want to drink bleach?
A thousand questions raced through his mind and very few answers.
Just like this story, thousands of things happening, nothing worth reading.
As dawn approached, Rick felt his cell phone vibrate. He had a message from Lanie.
Who need to smack some sense into him.
– n the lobby.
Breathe. Breathe. I will not kill someone. And really, who uses signatures on text messages other than twelve-year olds? That’s valuable characters being used I could normally use in said message.
He hit the call button for the nurse and sent Lanie a reply.
Okay the call button for the nurse is not going to call Lanie, unless she is said nurse.
-give me a sec..btw, luv ur sig
Really, no one uses signatures on their text messages. And really, Castle is an award winning aclaimed author, he is’t going to type a text message like a ten-year old.
The nurse came in and Rick informed her that he needed to go downstairs.
To which the nurse replies, “Finally, I was about to call security and have you escorted out of here.”
She nodded her understanding and made her way to the opposite side of the bed. As Rick eased out from under Kate’s arm, the nurse held onto it as if checking her pulse.
Um, that’s what the finger thing they put on your finger is for. Trust me, I’ve been in the hospital, I know.
Kate rolled towards her and Rick quietly exited the room.
Rolled towards her? What? Please tell me this is a Rick Roll. Read the rest of this entry
Wow this fic just keeps digging that hole bigger and bigger. More out of characters, more cheese than a can of Easy-Cheese, and more two period sentences than you can shake a stick at.
***Thanks to everyone who reads. A special thanks to all those who add alerts or leave reviews. You guys make my day! 🙂
You know, I read those said reviews and I really want to smack people for not having any taste.
What the hell is with you and the two periods. No don’t even try and think you know what you are doing because you don’t have a clue how to write. I really have to force myself to put my red ink pen of doom down and not circle things on my monitor.
we don’t want to set off your alarms.” Rick laughed as he pulled away from her soft lips.
I’m mildly disturbed that he’s letting this go on like he is in this fic. This is creepy, and just wrong and embarrassing.
“Rook, I was so scared..”
What is your address? I am sending you a copy of Grammar For Dummies so you can learn to stop this fanatical use of two periods.
She admitted as she held him close to her. “I remember hearing tires squeal and being hit..then, all I saw was darkness. It’s like I was dreaming but I couldn’t wake up.”
And OMG it was dark inside my head and I didn’t know what to do and I think I broke a nail.
“Sshh..It’s over now.”
Where is my blood pressure medicine. This is about to kill me with the two periods.
Rick tried to console her. “I’m here and you’re going to be ok. Just try to get some rest.”
Kate pulled the covers back and scooted over, making room for him.
And to go with the Grammar for Dummies
book I am also going to give you a copy of Heat Wave and Naked Heat so you can learn how to characterize the characters.
“I..uh..I need to go check on something real quick. I’ll be right back.” Rick stammered out an excuse to avoid getting into bed with her right now.
“Don’t be too long Jamie..” She yawned out and then closed her eyes.
Why oh why is Kate Beckett acting like someone from the Hills? Why? Hell I don’t think they act this annoying.
‘Thank you.’ Rick mouthed up to the heavens as he witnessed her quickly fall asleep.
Let’s hang a lantern on it why don’t we.
He ran his hand over his messed up hair and headed down to the waiting room. Wouldn’t you know it, the first person he ran into was Josh.
But of course.
He was pacing the floor outside the waiting room as Rick approached him.
Yes because that’s what ever cardiologist do when they are off duty.
“Josh..” the writer began, “I am so sorry that she doesn’t remember you right now and I want you to know that I will not be taking advantage of this situation..I mean, after all..she is your girlfriend, not mine.
Well if that isn’t a lie bundle up in crispy bacon. We all saw the rating was M, we know sex will be had while she thinks she’s Nikki Heat.
She will remember soon..how much she..uhm cares for you.” He nearly choked on that last part.
And then he ran off bawling his eyes out.
‘Did he not know they had broken up nearly two months ago…Had Kate not told him?’ Josh lowered his head and mumbled. “Thanks man!”
Why does Josh’s internal monologue sound like a girl?
“Castle!” Ryan called out as he made hisway
Not thereway? Read the rest of this entry
Sorry everyone. It’s been a rough week for me with wide-spread tornado’s where I live. Seems nonstop storms for us, but nothing quite as bad as Joplin. My heart goes out to Joplin. But alas, I need a break from tornado warning, and tornado coverage so thus a mock.
Josh was leaving the hospital for the night as the paramedics rushed past him with a very familiar looking woman on their streatcher.
I wonder what a streatcher is? Surly it’s not a bed on wheels you move patients around since that’s a stretcher.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m leaving work it’s like getting the heck out of Dodge while checking all the piled up text messages and emails on my phone. Yeah, somehow I have a feeling doctors are the same since they work longer shifts than I do.
“Hold up!” He called to the boys pushing her to exam room one.
Where is the ER Dr at this time?
“What’s wrong with her..what happened?”
Do I really need to recap on the proper uses of ellipsis? Yeah, that should two sentences, not one.
One of the EMT’s turned to him and answered. “A call came over the radio that a hit and run had occured near where we were eating lunch,
Well at least you got the where/were usage correct, unlike your spelling of occurred.
so we were the first responders. When we arrived, she was out cold. As we began to check for broken bones and get her vitals, she came to for a brief moment.
Just like a soap opera!
We ask her if she remembered what happened, where she was, or who she was. All she said was ‘I’m Nikki Heat’, then she passed out again.
Dun dun dun duuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh. Wait, am I reading a General Hospital crossover?
The ER physicans
Why is it so hard to use spell check? Physicians! It’s not hard!
rushed in and started ordering tests
Time to start the algebra test! Remember readers, the test is due by end of class. Chop chop!
after listening to the paramedics details of her current condition. She was bleeding from her nose and ear
Wow, that’s it?
so it was apparent that she had a sugnificant
I really want to beat my head in, but to save my brain cells, I want to beat your head in for this random weird spelling of significant. Read the rest of this entry
Happy Birthday BadCastleFic readers! Today is our 1 year birthday! Wow year goes by quickly doesn’t it? Since I started this blog showcasing bad fanfic in the Castle fandom, Castle was a wee bit smaller of a community with a so so amount of fanfic. Since then, it’s seems to have jumped leaps and bounds. Yet with all the new fanfic we get, we also seem to get the bad fanfic. Thus meaning I get to keep my blogging job that pays jack squat! YAY! Now onward to the fic, where we will continue to read the horrifying Dancing with the Detectives. Word of warning, I am mocking this between commercials for Fringe and I’m a wee bit drunk.
Stats: Title:Dancing with the Detectives Author: Redheadthegreat Summary: what happens when beckett and castle get called on to dance on dancing with the stars? not good at summarys but PLEASE read because i love you all! oh and this WILL turn out caskett and has NOTHING to do with to love & die in L.A
Hey guys! just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the subscriptions and the reviews! and i just wanted to give another chapter! the next is on the way! thanks for all of your love! i love you all too!
Oh I love you too, but only that sort of love a person feels when they find a golden nugget and want to tell the world about what they found.
The next morning Beckett woke up to her alarm clocks radio.
Wow, how many clocks does she have since she has clocks radio?
The song that 93Q
Okay, are we name dropping a real radio station in LA or is this your favorite radio station that you listen to in small town America.
was playing was “tonight tonight”, by Rascal Flatts.
Okay, random name dropping of a country band.
She smiled as she realized one of her favorite songs was playing,
Of course it was her favorite song…oh I mean the authors favorite song.
and she got up, ready for the looked at her apartment
Ready for the looked at her apartment? What, is her Apartment a fashionista nazi who wants to show off their awesome fashion skills.
one more time, before taking her heavy luggage down the stairs.
Oh so we are stuck in New York. I wonder if she lives in Down Town, NY? That could only explain why her apartment is a fashionista.
She flung the heavy suitcase in the trunk, and drove off to the precinct to see her friends one last time before she headed off to the city of dreams.
Yes, because that’s what we all do is visit our coworkers one last time before we go on vacation. Duh.
She knew she would see them the night of the show,
So are they flying to LA every Monday? Wow that’s expensive. Must be that huge salary they make in Down Town, NY.
and almost every show if a big murder case didn’t come up, but she knew she would miss them for the month that they would be training for.
Wow, that was an epically long run on sentence with way too much information.
She parked the car in the parking garage and saw castles car.
I hope it’s a bouncy castle car since it obviously can’t be Castle’s car since it isn’t capitalized.
Something looked different about it, but she ignored it and strode to the elevators. The doors opened a minute later and she saw castle at her desk with 3 boxes of doughnuts, freshly brewed coffee for everyone, and lots of detectives flooding around the desk like a sea of cops.
Wow a sea of cops. I wonder if they all have blue on and do the wave.
She saw in the crowd Esposito and Ryan and Lanie.
Do I dare ask why she is hanging out at the precinct and not at the morgue, which isn’t at the precinct.
She saw Montgomery walking towards her and she smiled.
Oh goodie, this is a fic with Montgomery being the loving daddy figure for Beckett.
He cane and gave her a hug
So he caned her and gave her a hug? Worst torturer ever.
before pulling back and saying, “oh Beckett, I never thought I would have seen you dancing!
Wells he does perform at the strip joint every other Friday night. I’m sure she’d let you get in free. Just make sure to tip her with some nice new ones.
Now your a singing, dancing cop!
Oh boy! A singing dancing cop! I sense a remake of Cop Rock. I’m sure Fox will pick it up and air it after Glee. It’ll be a great way for the when the Glee kids get old to continue singing and being dramafied. Oh and you used the wrong your, but that wasn’t a surprise.
Oh I’m SO going to have to twitter this!”
Wait, so Montgomery is going to twitter that she’s a singing cop? What?
he whipped out his phone and started typing. She rolled her eyes and said, “oh captain, are you sure castle isnt rubbing off on you?”
Wow, that is the utmost worst characterization of the Captain I have ever read. I sure hope Rubin Santiago-Hudson smacks you on the back of the head.
he laughed and put his phone away and looked at her one more time, smiling warmly. “can’t wait to see you on the dance floor in a month!” and he strode off towards the elevators.
Why is she getting a month to prepare? Don’t they normally get two weeks or so to prepare?
she started towards the desk, and just then Ryan noticed who was heading their was,
So how could Ryan be heading their when he can’t posses heading somewhere.
and with a mouth full of doughnut holes he said “HEY! ITS BECKETT!”
So is Beckett the new Norm? Read the rest of this entry
Since we are nearing the one year anniversary of BadCastleFic.com, I thought it would be fun to revisit some of the authors that made BCF so popular. My first revisit is to the author formally known as the jackall or the award winning author whose fic was the first Castle fic I ever mocked. So it looks like since mocking the jackall that person has changed their name to Cobra Grimes and combined all the one shot Castle fics to one big story. Since it seems I’ve mocked the other two, it’s only fitting I mock the third one.
As he lies in his bed in the motel he cannot help but wonder why him.
Because the show is named after him?
He lost his home and the true love of his life all in one night because of one horrible disaster.
Teaches you to leave the stove on while you’re gone.
A few hours earlier
Richard Castle had just returned home from his first date with Kate Beckett and he couldn’t be happier.
Awww isn’t that so sweet. I’m surprised he didn’t take her home and throw her against the wall and have sex, since that’s what the majority of the Castle fandom feels is going to happen on their first date.
As he was heading up the stairs to his room his phone rang,
Hello, Castle? Yes, this is me, your Loft. Remember that one time you got drunk and fell asleep in the bed with your mom? Yeah, we don’t want that to happen again ether, so I thought I would call to remind you that your bedroom isn’t upstairs, instead its downstairs off to the side of your office. You’ll thank me in the morning. Bye!
it was Esposito.
Oh so Esposito gets to be the one to remind you that your room is downstairs.
“We got a case Javi?”
Since when has Castle been on a first name basis with Esposito?
“No, Ryan and I have a case.”
So why are we having this
“Well why are you calling me then?”
Because someone has to remind you where your bedroom is located. Plus drunk dialing is fun.
“Well I need you to come down to the precinct as soon as possible.”
Ooh please tell me we are drunk dialing the mayor. Read the rest of this entry