Category Archives: Sporks to the Eye

Mock the Fic: Dancing with the Detectives Part 2


Happy Birthday BadCastleFic readers! Today is our 1 year birthday! Wow year goes by quickly doesn’t it? Since I started this blog showcasing bad fanfic in the Castle fandom, Castle was a wee bit smaller of a community with a so so amount of fanfic. Since then, it’s seems to have jumped leaps and bounds. Yet with all the new fanfic we get, we also seem to get the bad fanfic. Thus meaning I get to keep my blogging job that pays jack squat! YAY! Now onward to the fic, where we will continue to read the horrifying Dancing with the Detectives. Word of warning, I am mocking this between commercials for Fringe and I’m a wee bit drunk.

Stats: Title:Dancing with the Detectives Author: Redheadthegreat  Summary: what happens when beckett and castle get called on to dance on dancing with the stars? not good at summarys but PLEASE read because i love you all! oh and this WILL turn out caskett and has NOTHING to do with to love & die in L.A


Hey guys! just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the subscriptions and the reviews! and i just wanted to give another chapter! the next is on the way! thanks for all of your love! i love you all too!

Oh I love you too, but only that sort of love a person feels when they find a golden nugget and want to tell the world about what they found.

~red

The next morning Beckett woke up to her alarm clocks radio.

Wow, how many clocks does she have since she has clocks radio?

The song that 93Q

Okay, are we name dropping a real radio station in LA or is this your favorite radio station that you listen to in small town America.

was playing was “tonight tonight”, by Rascal Flatts.

Okay, random name dropping of a country band.

She smiled as she realized one of her favorite songs was playing,

Of course it was her favorite song…oh I mean the authors favorite song.

and she got up, ready for the looked at her apartment

Ready for the looked at her apartment? What, is her Apartment a fashionista nazi who wants to show off their awesome fashion skills.

one more time, before taking her heavy luggage down the stairs.

Oh so we are stuck in New York. I wonder if she lives in Down Town, NY? That could only explain why her apartment is a fashionista.

She flung the heavy suitcase in the trunk, and drove off to the precinct to see her friends one last time before she headed off to the city of dreams.

Yes, because that’s what we all do is visit our coworkers one last time before we go on vacation. Duh.

She knew she would see them the night of the show,

So are they flying to LA every Monday? Wow that’s expensive. Must be that huge salary they make in Down Town, NY.

and almost every show if a big murder case didn’t come up, but she knew she would miss them for the month that they would be training for.

Wow, that was an epically long run on sentence with way too much information.

She parked the car in the parking garage and saw castles car.

I hope it’s a bouncy castle car since it obviously can’t be Castle’s car since it isn’t capitalized.

Something looked different about it, but she ignored it and strode to the elevators. The doors opened a minute later and she saw castle at her desk with 3 boxes of doughnuts, freshly brewed coffee for everyone, and lots of detectives flooding around the desk like a sea of cops.

Wow a sea of cops. I wonder if they all have blue on and do the wave.

She saw in the crowd Esposito and Ryan and Lanie.

Do I dare ask why she is hanging out at the precinct and not at the morgue, which isn’t at the precinct.

She saw Montgomery walking towards her and she smiled.

Oh goodie, this is a fic with Montgomery being the loving daddy figure for Beckett.

He cane and gave her a hug

So he caned her and gave her a hug? Worst torturer ever.

before pulling back and saying, “oh Beckett, I never thought I would have seen you dancing!

Wells he does perform at the strip joint every other Friday night. I’m sure she’d let you get in free. Just make sure to tip her with some nice new ones.

Now your a singing, dancing cop!

Oh boy! A singing dancing cop! I sense a remake of Cop Rock. I’m sure Fox will pick it up and air it after Glee. It’ll be a great way for the when the Glee kids get old to continue singing and being dramafied. Oh and you used the wrong your, but that wasn’t a surprise.

Oh I’m SO going to have to twitter this!”

Wait, so Montgomery is going to twitter that she’s a singing cop? What?

he whipped out his phone and started typing. She rolled her eyes and said, “oh captain, are you sure castle isnt rubbing off on you?”

Wow, that is the utmost worst characterization of the Captain I have ever read. I sure hope Rubin Santiago-Hudson smacks you on the back of the head.

he laughed and put his phone away and looked at her one more time, smiling warmly. “can’t wait to see you on the dance floor in a month!” and he strode off towards the elevators.

Why is she getting a month to prepare? Don’t they normally get two weeks or so to prepare?

she started towards the desk, and just then Ryan noticed who was heading their was,

So how could Ryan be heading their when he can’t posses heading somewhere.

and with a mouth full of doughnut holes he said “HEY! ITS BECKETT!”

So is Beckett the new Norm? Read the rest of this entry

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Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 8


I know everyone is going to be sad when I tell you that this is the last of Undercover (or at least until the author gives us more). What are we going to do without Katie snorting coke? Castle being all womanizing? How will my life continue to be lived?

Stats: Title: Undercover Author:silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up!

Katie followed Mr Smith upstairs towards the VIP area… she was nervous;

Please let it be Freddy Kruger waiting for her. Heck, I’d even take Jason.

if Castle had not asked for her soon enough this could get messy.

It would be hysterical if it was some pimp wanting to pimp her out to everyone.

She kept walking up the stair case trying to breathe comfortably in the corset that was pushing her breasts up so high they were screaming to be touched.

Jake Smith opened a curtain to the VIP area and that’s when she was walked right in front of Castle. She smirked a little; he looked fantastic in his black suit with a deep almost black purple shirt. She couldn’t help but think it was the colour that would be on satin bed sheets that were used for dirty sex.

Deep purple satin sheets used for dirty sex? HA HA HA That is too funny. I’m laughing because I know how slick satin sheets can be and I’m imagining them sliding off the bed.

“Richard Castle, meet Katie.” He smiled introducing them, looking into Katie’s eyes, letting her know it was her job to make him happy.

And for once, you really overused a comma. Try some periods.

“Hi Richard…” she smiled looking in his eyes while she accidently licked her lips.

All this lacks is a girly laugh.

“You can call me Rick, please take a seat in my booth I just need one moment with your boss” he smiled politely, watching her walk over to his booth. He watched her walk enjoying every moment of it, until Jake Smith interrupted his thoughts.

“Rick, what can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if you might have something I could get, maybe to enjoy the night a little more?” he asked nodding towards Katie.

Oh great, here comes the coke again. How about some Coke-a-Cola instead?

“Sure I’ll make sure you get something delivered to your table with your next round of drinks. What were you thinking?” he asked quietly

“Sure I’ll make sure ya git sumfin delivered ta yo’ table wiff yo’ next round o’ drinks. What wuz ya thinking all ye damn hood ratz?”

“I’d love 1g if you have it?” he asked referring to cocaine.

1g as in the 1st version of 3G phone service? WTF?!? I may not be up on my drug lingo, but I’m pretty sure that you’d get laughed at by your drug dealer if you asked him for 1g.

“Of course, it will be with you soon, my waiter will come and get a drink order from you soon. The rest will come out with your drinks in between a napkin. Please pull your curtains over a little while you take it he winked.

“Of course, it will be wiff ya soon, muh ma fuckin waiter will come an’ git uh drink order from ya soon. The rest will come out wiff yo’ drinks in between uh napkin. Please pull yo’ curtains over uh little while ya take it all ye damn hood ratz.”(I’m really going to miss the Ebonics translator!) And is he saying that he’s winking?

Castle walked back over to his booth where Katie was leaning back onto the couch leaning on her elbows facing him, her fishnet covered legs crossed facing him. He could see the boots, how high the heels were… it was easy to imagine them digging into his back while he was… damn that was a good image.

What is with this author and her shoes on during sex fetish? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Castle One Shots part 1


I am going to warn everyone! This next fic is one that will make you want Brain bleach! It’s bad, yo. BAD! This fic officially earns the first annual Brain Bleach award! Congrats! The author should be proud. Please everyone! Read this fic responsibly and have a bottle Jack and a cup of Brain Bleach ready for the ending!

Stats: Title: castle one shots Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary:this is only one shots if you want to write more to it be my guest but contact me first i would love to read what you write. ah! im so bored and this is what happens enjoy this is not only rated m stories others will be added later Rating: M

Castle sat patiently in Beckett’s car waiting for her to take him home. He still did not own a car.

Wow, for a multimillionaire, Castle sure is lazy and cheap.

He seemed to like Beckett driving him from and to his apartment,

I believe you meant to say, “to and from.”

even though she always denied his invitation to join him for a drink.

This fic makes me wish I had a stiff drink.

Today would be different. Beckett really need a drink today. The case today was very stressful.

Me is Captain Caveman. Me is thirsty. Me really need a drink today. Me case was very stressful. Congratulations author, you just made an English teacher cry.

Beckett climbed in to the driver’s seat and started the car. She jumped up when the loud music almost popped her car speakers.

I guess that means she was busted listen to Justin Beiber in her car, blaring from the speakers. Oh and generally, when you jump, you jump up, not down. Therefore, you can get rid of the repetitive word “up.”

She turned it down so that it was only background noise.

Poor Beiber, gets no love.

She looked at castle for a while before bursting out laughing.

Wow, I’m laughing too because you can’t seem to capitalize Castle’s name. I’m sure he’s laughing at your stupidity too.

Castle then joined her, she was laughing so hard she had to hold her stomach. After a good laugh she pulled out of her parking space.

And it’s people like them that makes me want to go all road rage on people when they sit in a parking spot forever and a day.

The drive to his apartment was a bit long because of the traffic.

“so Beckett what are you so happy about I haven’t seen a smile like that on your face since the case about the jewels?” Rick turned to face her and give her his full attention.

1. Capitals! Please capitalize the first word of a sentence! It’s something we all learned how to do in first grade. 2. That sentence needs to be split up into two sentences, and not to mention they need utter help.

Kate licked her lips before answering Castle’s question. “Well I am happy because the case is over and this time I think I will accept you offer to join you for a glass of wine or glasses of wine.”

Oh how classy of her. Invite herself in and ask for not just one glass of wine, but two. Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Storming the Castle


Happy Holliday Sunday! I hope everyone got really drunk yesterday because the morning is here to rear its ugly head with a really bad sex fic. When I say it’s bad, I mean beyond words bad! We have sex grease (it’s like the french fry grease at McDonalds if someone masturbated in it and smeared it all over their partner). So without adieu, Becks is back to Guest mock another really bad fic for us!

Stats: Title: Storming The Castle Author: Midknight Summary: SPOILER WARNING: SEASON 1, GENERAL – After a particularly good night, Kate decides to indulge herself and makes Castle an offer he simply can’t refuse. Rating: NC17

AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first Castle fic. I apologize before hand

As well you should.


“I hope the guys get home okay.” Kate noted as Castle poured her another Scotch at her request. “I had the doorman put them in a cab with directions. They’ll be okay.” He responded and they both took a sip from their respective drinks.

Story writing 101: A new speaker gets a new paragraph.

She relaxed back on the soft, leather sofa as she watched him go off to clean up the remnants of their poker game.

Thanks for helping with the cleanup, bitch.

She’d had just a little too much to drink, they all had. The bottle of eighteen year old single malt Scotch he’d presented them with on arrival had seen to that.

What, they each got their own bottle?! Hot damn, I need to start showing up to more of Castle’s poker games.

No one had felt guilty about indulging. The drinks he had just poured them were from a fresh bottle.

It had been a good night and she was a little sorry to see it coming to an end. They’d managed to close a tricky case that very morning, once again thanks to Castle’s involvement. Kate was starting to wonder who exactly the consultant was and who the consultee.

Right, because God knows KBecks couldn’t solve a case before Castle showed up. Everybody knows women need a strong guiding hand. You know what would really improve this show? If he would hurry up and marry her so she could get her ass back into the kitchen where she belongs.

She’d always known he was a good writer, she just thought he was creative and did thorough research, but he had an amazing mind and although she’d walk over hot coals and broken glass before she admitted it.

Either there’s a random conjunction in there somewhere, or half the sentence is missing. Either way, KBecks has mentioned many times in the past that she appreciates Castle’s intelligence, when he chooses to exhibit it. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Whoa!


After the last two mocks of this authors works, its seems my readers can’t get enough of the badfics this person writes and wants more! By special request from MysteryCastleFanFic 3000. You ask and you shall receive. This one is another Pedobear Approved and Lemon Seal fic.

Stats: Title: Whoa! Author: iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: After my thirty-two continuous phone calls to Katherine Beckett, I decided to go over to her apartment. Richard Castles P.O.V. Lemon-dont like them, dont read this! Casketty goodness! OOC slightly. One-Shot unless fans request sequel!  Rating: M


“Kate?” I called into her apartment, unlocking the door with the key I found under the mat.

Really? Our HBIC hides her key under her mat? That’s just asking for someone like Castle to break in. She should at least have a hide a key rock for her apartment. Nothing looks less conspicuous than a key under the mat than a hide a key rock.

I didn’t think she was home because she didn’t answer the door, or the thirty-two calls I gave to her mobile.

Stalker!

I was truly worried about her, and my heart felt like it had fallen off the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You know, we keep telling you

I walked through her apartment, taking in all the features. The apartment’s main colours were red and white, and it was nicely furnished. Glossed tables and chairs adorned the main room, and a spotless television was up against the wall.

I would hope it would be a spotless television because I would hate to pay god money for a tv with spots all over it.

Kate’s apartment didn’t have any particular style; but I loved it.

Okay Mr. Castile, you need to learn to never tell that to a woman. Otherwise, you won’t get any sex for a long time.

I pattered lightly past the bathroom, and my heart sank further, if at all possible, at the sound.

Quick Castle, grab the air freshener.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Waited Too Long


When I saw that the author of the last really bad sex fic had another smut fic out, I just couldn’t pass it up. This one isn’t as bad as the previous ones, but its still up there. We here at Bad Castle Fic like to think we are doing the world a justice by teaching bad authors that if they have never had sex, then they shouldn’t write about it.

Stats: Title:Waited Too Long Author:iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: Smut/lemon/ whatever you want to call it. Dedicated to my friend thecastlefan. OOC.  Rating: M

Also I think Pedobear came out of the woodworks when he saw this fic coming out by a person who was under the age of 15, and is writing smut. Therefore this fic gets the Pedobear Seal of Approval! It also gets our new Lemon Seal!

Pedobear SEAL OF APPROVAL

ust another Castle fanfiction. Basically smut, for my friend thecastlefan.

I sure hope that ust is supposed to be “just” and not unresolved sexual tension, because if this is a smut fic, then its no longer unresolved. Its resolved! And I feel sorry for you friend.

I havent really had too much experience at writing these, and its really OOC. Anyway, please review!

Oh frak. Just admit it, you’ve never had sex, and you are doing a self insert as Becks in this fic, aren’t you?


Being alonhttps://i2.wp.com/www.freshplaza.es/images/2009/ALL_LEMON.jpge at the precinct was always just a little unnerving. The eerie sound of silence; the sound of lifelessness, really  weighed down the atmosphere.

It’s a police precinct. Its open 24 hours, I’m sure there is always something going on inside that place. Crime stops for no one, and no time.

I usually stayed this late because I hated going home to an empty apartment. I had broken up with Will, and couldn’t work up the courage to ask out Castle.

STBU

Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Date Central


I hope someday the author, who is bound to be a repeat offender, will be up for Miss America or something else as glamorous for someone with a brain like theirs, and they get disqualified because of writing such a horrible smut fic after the New York Times publishes it for all the world to mock. Someday, folks. Someday. In the meantime, let this fic be another shining example of my staunch position that if you aren’t old enough to talk to your mom and tell her you had sex, let alone old enough to have sex, then you shouldn’t be writing smut. End of story. Luckily, I’m not the one who had to suffer to mock this, this one goes to our newest mocker: FicSlayerMcG.

Stats: Title: Date Central! Author: iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: Richard Castle goes on a dating show, trying to forget his feelings about Kate…But she is a contestant! Feelings unravel, and he chooses her for the date. Caskett one-shot! Might do a sequel later! Lemons-dont like, dont read! Rating: M

Puke bags: As many as you can handle for the sex scene later.

Sporks to the eyes:  More than you can scrounge up from public school cafeterias in the United States.

I had the misfortune of clicking on this fic.  Mocking it made me feel better.

Another Castle fanfic!

As usual, I dont own Castle or any of the characters!

(After reading note:  Thank GOD you don’t.  Kate would be getting pregnant as fast as Michelle Duggar.)

“Richard Castle, you have been on two dates, and you sent both of the ladies away. Now, our last contestant is a wonderful detective. She loves your books, is a hopeless romantic, and loves to sleep or spend time with friends in her spare time. Please welcome Katherine Beckett!”

What the FRAK?

The crowd broke out in applause as Castle stood there, feet glued to the floor, and his jaw on his way to them. Kate? Of all people to go on a dating show, Kate?

You and me both, Castle.

Katherine Beckett walked out in a lipstick red dress that ended just above her knees, and red stilettos. Her hair was curled slightly, and a red ribbon teased the edge of her right wrist. She saw Castle and couldn’t help but smile at the reaction plastered on his face. His mouth descended even lower upon seeing her in such a short dress.

So, is calling her ‘Katherine’ like making up her very own stripper name?  No one calls her Katherine in fanfiction anymore unless they have her dressed up like a slut.

“Now, we are going to leave you two in the date bus for an hour, and see how it goes!” the presenter said as Kate went over and closed Ricks jaw for him.

Castle meets MTV.  Next!

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Castle Fluff


Okay I’m gonna admit. I did two mocks yesterday and one guest mock. So I think its okay I just did a fluffy mock. I deserve a Sunday with a light mock. Right?

Title: Castle_Fluff Author: caprisunnydrinker Summary: Random assortment of one shots. Not at all connected but cute. Some light Caskett fluffy goodness. Rating: K+

Dancing around. Clad only in pajamas. While attempting to brush the pearly whites and lip-syncing to some song. It was perfect.

I can’t remember, is it bad porn or horror movies that start out this way?

Lithe fingers reached out and tickled the unsuspecting prey.

Please be Freddy Krueger. Please be Freddy Krueger.

“Crap!” The toothbrush clattered to the floor. “What are you doing here?”

Damn it was just HBIC Beckett. Wait, why is Becks breaking in?

“Crap? You gave me a key, remember? What are you listening to Castle?” Beckett teased.

I’m a bit weirded out that Becks has a key and he forgot.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: First Kiss


This one is bad and sappy. BAD! It has continuity problems, and kissing. So everyone get your puke bags ready for this one. It takes place after Tick Tick Tick and Boom.

Stats: First Kiss Author: Nev827 Summary: My version of how Castle & Beckett’s first kiss will happen. Rating: K+

Puke Bags: 2

Sporks: 2

Castle walked Beckett to the front door of his spacious apartment.

Have you seen how much crap he has in that apartment? I would hardly call it spacious.

While he wanted to be a gentleman, he couldn’t help but notice how radiant she looked, despite what she’d been through the last few days and despite the fact that they had stayed up well past midnight talking.

I’m sure that’s not the first time she’s stayed up past midnight. She is HBIC.

He wanted to spend more time with her, make extra sure she was okay, but he also didn’t want to add to her emotional burden.

Yes because we all know how much of an emotional burden Castle can be.

They both stood by the front door, briefly not knowing what to say to each other. Thankfully, Beckett finally broke the ice.

That’s because she’s HBIC.

“Thank you for last night, Castle. It was –,” her voice seemed to catch in her throat and, for a moment, Castle thought he saw her eyes begin to tear up. But she fought it back.

She’s crying? That is not HBIC like. Who is this impostor and what has she done with our HBIC?

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Tell Me Why You Left That Night


Oh Song fics, such a tool of the 90’s. And look, someone  is writing another one, and it begs to be mocked. I just couldn’t resist.

Stats: Tell Me Why You Left That Night Author: WriterHorse32 Summary: Castle is gone. Kate works at a club on Fridays. What will happen when she asks the simple question. Why did you leave that night? Rating: K+

Sporks to your eyes: 3

Puke Bags: 2

Kate was at the club she worked at on Fridays.

Since when has she worked at a club? Isn’t that a conflict of interest for her cop job?

She knew Espositio and Ryan wouldn’t like it and the captain would kill her,

Really? Really?

but ever since Castle left the night after his 2 ex-wives murders were solved that she didn’t care what they thought.


Wait, what? Castle’s wives were murdered? What?

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Runnaway Dream part 3


Sadly I wish it was over. This is the fic that just won’t end. Turns out what I thought would be a two piece is now a three piece.  To recap, its a lovely little story written by a 14 year old writer who pulls the biggest Mary Sue of all time and inserts herself into the story. Full of cliches and lol’s.  How could we not mock a story that starts out with a 14 year old becoming a detective? Oh and she has Beck’s gun because Becks is a wimp.

Stats: Title:Runaway Dream Author: NinjaaGurl Summary: this started because of a dream i had.the main point is what would happen if a 14 year old was a homicide detective (BCF: 14 year old homicide detective? WTF?) Rating: T

Puke Bags: 4

Sporks to the eyes: 4

BPOV

Someone remind me once again who BPOV is? Oh thats Becks. God this is horrible.

It was a quiet ride to the home of Felicity Morgan, Castle and I both to wrapped up in our own thoughts to even talk.

Who is Felicity? Oh that’s right, the 3rd Mary Sue of this story. I feel a puke bag needed.

In what felt like a long drive was actually pretty short. We pulled up in front of a beautiful townhouse and got out the car.

Of course she has a beautiful townhouse. Because she’s a Mary Sue.

“Nice place for a college student.” Castle said looking up at the house.

Wait? She’s a college student? Is this your future Mary Sue self?

“Yeah. It kind of reminds me of my first apartment.” I replied.

Really Becks? Really? I thought it was over a chicken place and smelled horribly?

We started walking up the driveway as we got closer we heard something that sounded like a piano being played.

Really? I feel like throwing sporks at you right now for your perfect Mary Sue.

I knocked on the door expecting to hear the music stop when it didn’t I knocked again. This time the door opened revealing a young woman with red hair and painters overalls.

Freddy Krueger’s little sister?

“Can I help you?”She asked.

“Hello. I’m Detective Kate Beckett. NYPD. This is Richard Castle. Can we ask you some questions?”

Shouldn’t you ask who she is instead of questions? Oh wait, that’s something a 14 year old wouldn’t know. Watch more Law and Order please.

“Sure, sure.” She said opening the door wider and ushering us inside. As we walked in I glanced around.

The room was painted a pale cream color that was accented with black furniture. It was simple but still had a sense of class. On her walls were pictures of what I assumed would be her family and friends and a few pieces of art…

Blah blah blah.

“This is a nice place.”Castle said impressed.

“Why thank you Mr. Castle.” she replied with a smile. “Can I get ya’ll something to drink”

You are boring me.

“No thank you.” I said. “Miss Morgan…”

“Please call me Felicity”

“Ok, Felicity.”

“Wait, before we start can I ask if this is about Michelle?”

Wow a psychic Mary Sue! How unique.

“Y-yes. It is about her. We were wondering if you could possibly help us find her.”

Since when did Becks stutter? Is this the retard rocket still?

Felicity smiled brightly.

“Do you hear that music?”

Phantom music? Wow this psychic Mary Sue has the coolest house. Is it the Haunted Mansion?

I started to hear the same piano music that we heard when we first came. That’s when I noticed somebody else must be here.

Dun dun dun duuuunnnn…

“Yes I do. What about it?” I asked puzzled.

Really?

“That, detective, would be the girl you’re looking for. She came here earlier. She was hungry, cold, and tired. She knew to come here because I told her to if she ever needs help.”

Congrats Mary Sue! You’re harboring a fugitive. Please enjoy the slammer. I hear they have lovely roommates.

“Can we talk to her?”

Please don’t. Can we just call someone else to come and get her?

“Sure follow me.”

Its a trap! Don’t do it!

She turned around and walked down some stairs. As we got closer we heard a strong voice singing.

Oh mighty puke bag! I need you now!

“Wow is that her? She’s really good.” Castle said mirroring my thoughts.

“Yeah I know.” Felicity replied. “Shhh, if we go in quietly we might hear her finish the song.”

Oh no, please don’t. Someone call Freddy Krueger and take me out of my misery.

We walked in the room as Michelle was singing.

I’m going to regret this aren’t I?

Do you think I’m special?
Do you think I’m nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
only when it’s over our heads
the sun is shining every day, but it’s far away
over the world is death.

They got,
They got,
All the right friends in all the wrong places
So yeah, we’re going down
They got, all the right moves and all the wrong faces
So yeah, we’re going down

Thank-you for ruining a great song. OneRepublic hates you and wishes you a long painful Mary Sue death.

“Wow. That was amazing.” A voice called from behind me. I turned around to see Felicity, detective Beckett, and Mr. Castle standing by the door.

I really need a puke bag. Stat! I’m out.

“Umm thank you Mr. Castle.” I said suddenly nervous. I have always had a bad case of stage fright. Even if it is the smallest of crowds I get scared. I couldn’t help but wonder how long they were standing there.

Too bad it wasn’t Freddy Krueger. He’d have you dead and dismantled by now.

“How much did you hear?” I asked.

Enough to make my ears bleed.

“Just long enough to hear the end of your song.” Felicity said with her crooked grin.

“Oh…”

No way, we heard way too much.

I stood up and walked over to my bag in the middle of the room. I grabbed the gun and gave it to Kate.

And that’s when you would normally be arrested and hauled off.

“Here, I’m sorry that I took it. My emotions were running high and I just made a snap decision.”I said staring at the floor. I felt a hand under my chin force me to look into her eyes.

Okay it doesn’t have to be a puke bag, it can be a Walmart bag.

“I understand. That’s why you’re not in any kind of trouble we just need you to come back to the station so we can catch your aunt’s murderer.”

And what would she have to do with catching the murderer since she was at home asleep like a lightweight.

“Really?”

“Yes really.” she said with a small smile.

Okay I’ll even take the toilet.

“Thank you, thank you!” I said hugging her. “Wait I think you should know something that might help find my aunt’s killer.”

That you killed her, right?

“Ok what?”

“I think I did it.” I said. I looked at all the faces in the room and saw one common thing. Shock.

How did I ever know.

Please tell me we will never see the rest of this fic. EVER.

@MichyEYET

Mock the Fic: Consequences part 1


YAY BadFic is back with an even more horrifying fic. Its bad, trust me. BAD. This one employees my theory that if you aren’t old enough to have sex, or at least tell your mom you had sex, then you shouldn’t write about sex.

Stats: Title: Consequences Author: Beckett’sHEART Summary: some one finds the video of castle and beckett playing truth or dare Rating: M

Puke Bags: 3

Sporks to the eyes: 4

Chapter One:

i walked in to the precinct half asleep. i didnt get much rest last night due to the fact that i couldnt get last nights scenes out of my dreams.

Uh… okay.

(BCF: I am killing cute small puppies every time you forget to capitalize a letter.)

in my dreams there was more than just touching.

And we’re off!

(BCF: Can we please leave those thoughts in your dreams, please?)

“come on kate let my lick that chocolate from your breast…… or you could lick me if you want.”

Castle grabs the chocolate bottle and pours it down his pants…..

And now we’ve reached the “WTF” portion of the story. Isn’t it every girl’s fantasy to have a dude pour a bottle of chocolate down his pants?

Now, the important questions: was it Godiva? Maybe something with a little liquor to keep things spicy? Please tell me he sprang for something better than that Hershey’s shit.

(BCF: I’m sure Castle had to go to the Bodega to get the stuff, so it’s probably some off brand Mexican chocolate syrup.)

whoa that was a very scary and arousing dream. i wonder what the real castle would have done…

Arousing? There are quite a few words that come to mind but arousing isn’t one of them. Let’s hope the real Castle wouldn’t dump a bottle of syrup down his pants but then again, Kate does like them freaky. (BCF: I thought it was Castle who liked to have sex with crazy women, not Kate.)

oh wait i do know.

I’m not getting the idea that you know much of anything.

(BCF: I hear the retard rocket calling.)

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Runaway Dream part 2


This is part two of a two piece that just screams, mock me! Please mock me! To recap, its a lovely little story written by a 14 year old writer who pulls the biggest Mary Sue of all time and inserts herself into the story. Full of cliches and lol’s.  How could we not mock a story that starts out with a 14 year old becoming a detective?

Stats: Title:Runaway Dream Author: NinjaaGurl Summary: this started because of a dream i had.the main point is what would happen if a 14 year old was a homicide detective (BCF: 14 year old homicide detective? WTF?) Rating: T

Puke Bags: 1

Sporks to the eyes: 4

MPOV

Please tell me this time its Montgomery’s pov. PLEASE!

I’ve been on the run for 3 whole days.

Damn, it’s not.

I’m cold and tired, and don’t even get me started on the rain. I swear, God must be pissed at me because it hasn’t stopped raining since I left.

I can assure you, yes, God is mad at you because you wrote a Mary Sue fic. God will smite thee for Mary Sue fics! Its part of the whole Ark of the Covenant thing.

I tried going home but the police were waiting to ambush me.

Really?

Damn Kate it’s like she knows my every move.

Kittens are dying with the lack of comma use. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Runaway Dream part 1


This is a piece that just screams, mock me! Please mock me! Its written by a 14 year old writer who pulls the biggest Mary Sue of all time and inserts herself into the story. How could we not mock a story that starts out with a 14 year old becoming a detective?

Stats: Title:Runaway Dream Author: NinjaaGurl Summary: this started because of a dream i had.the main point is what would happen if a 14 year old was a homicide detective (BCF: 14 year old homicide detective? WTF?) Rating: T

Prologue

The name’s Harris. Michelle Harris (A/N yes that is my real name.)

Congratulations Michelle Harris, you just because America’s newest Mary Sue Princess! And might I say, very Mary Sue of you to name the character after yourself.


I am the youngest homicide detective in history. I am only 14 years old and by some fascinating connection to the mayor (anonymous I might add) I am a true cop, gun and badge included.

Right. This must be in Down Town, NY too, right? Do I even need to mention how wrong and stupid it is to think of a 14 year old as a homicide detective? Did you just use your gym class grade to get you out of the academy? And did your

You may be wondering how this came to be so I’m going to tell you. My story starts New Years Eve, one year ago.

Of course it does.

Chapter One: Unhappy New Year. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: In the Mood


I’m not going to lie. This next mock is filled with all kinds of potty humor. What can I say? I just couldn’t resist. It’s also by a repeat offender too, who is now killing baby seals with their stories. Let’s go with the stats: Title: In the Mood
Author: castlebeckett4eva
Summary: Beckett decides to give Castle a taste of his own medicine, so she teases him by leading him on. But then he turns it around and she is stuck. What will happen? One Shot. Rated T just to be safe. Rating: T

Sporks to the eyes: 2

Puke bags needed: 3

Detective Kate Beckett was in a mood.

Oh what mood could she be in? Cranky, constipated, quixotic, tense, violent, guilty, suspicious…

It wasn’t an angry mood or an annoyed mood. She couldn’t describe it.

Constipated it is then.

She was sure she hadn’t felt this way before.

Oh I’m sure she has, she just needs to eat more bran.

So she didn’t know what to do.

I’m sure any bodega has some laxative she could take. It’s not that hard…

That was until Castle walked into the precinct.

Oh no! This can’t be good.

Then she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

Have him go to the bodega for some laxative? Read the rest of this entry

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