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Mock the Fic: Not Quite Clarence


Merry Christmas to all my BadCastleFic fans! I hope Santa brought grammar books to all our favorite bad authors! Here is a Christmas fic to honor the holiday. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza! Robot Santa will be visiting everyone with lots of goodies! I apologize, WordPress is having issues today and won’t let me format this post. Merry Christmas to me, thanks WordPress.

Title: Not Quite Clarence Author: Championship Vinyl Summary: CHRISTMAS oneshot! The holidays are always a little harder on Kate Beckett. Kevin Ryan sees his job as making hard things a little bit easier. Even if it requires being a pest sometimes. 😀 Please read and review. Happy holidays! Rating: K+


A whirl of snow blew down the street, and Kevin tightened the thick grey scarf around his neck, wondering why he always wondered what he was doing when he did this.

He’s wondering why he wondered what he was doing? If he doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s tightening his scarf, then maybe he should check himself in to a mental facility since I think his hands are trying to strangle himself.

Or something.

Or something.

The station was officially closed,

Do they really close a police station in New York? And why would they be closing it, is it a special day or something?

at least to everyone but the most necessary patrol officers,

In other words, those who don’t have a family or a life. I wonder if HBIC is at the precinct?

working the shortest possible shifts, manning phones, monitoring paperwork. Captain Montgomery had come out of his office at eleven that morning, buttoned his overcoat, flashed them a smile for the season, and all but kicked his detectives off the premises until December twenty-sixth, no exceptions allowed.

So I am guessing that its Christmas eve? You know, if you were a better writer you would’ve set this up better.

Before anyone could even manage a ‘thanks,’ practically,

a thanks practically? How practically is a thanks?

the Cap was out the door himself, off to a Christmas with the wife, the kids, big dinners and warm fires and good brandy; all the right clichés.

Really? All the right clichés? Does this mean that he will dress up as Santa too?

It definitely wasn’t a present to waste, and Kevin hadn’t. He’d been with Jenny all day, and his mother and dad and sisters were all still back at the apartment together, cleaning up Eve dinner and talking about God only knew what, and Kevin was sure he probably wouldn’t want to know even if they offered.

Wow, that was a mile long run on sentence.

Now, it seemed he was the only one on the bustle on the streets who wasn’t going home: everywhere around him, there were people with shopping bags and boxes, in groups and alone, in ratted hoodies and expensive furs and ducking into taxis.

What the hell is wrong with you that you have to have twenty subjects happening in one sentence? You can have more than one sentence. Trust me, Fanfiction doesn’t charge by the sentence.

Their days were all done already. But him, he had one thing left. Something he’d done for three years now, and it was too important not to be his priority right now, even in the cold and light flurrying snow of eight-thirty at night. Because above all, Kevin Ryan still believed in Christmas.

Is that like believing in Santa?

Crossing his arms around him for warmth, Kevin turned up the corner, squinting to make sure he was approaching the right address. Last year, before the freak bomb incident, he hadn’t had to check. Things changed. He was okay with acknowledging that.

He’s okay with acknowledging that her apartment blew up? Wow, it’s a real man to be able to acknowledge an apartment blowing up. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: A Christmas Carol Castle Style


I am going to warn you, this one is HORRIBLE! It’s beyond horrible. I don’t even think a gallon of brain bleach will make this one disappear from my brain. You have been forewarned. Do not keep any guns or knives around you while you read this, otherwise you may want to end your life early.

Stats: A Christmas Carol Castle Style Author: Csinypsychrocks10 Summary: my version of a Christmas carol with a castle twist! and for the reader that read my story i didnt add my other character in this story. Rating: K+

 

A Christmas carol Castle style.

Castle and Beckett have a huge fight right before Christmas.

Aw. Poor Castle and Beckett, now they are only going to get coal under their Christmas tree.

Christmas for Kate Beckett will never be the same for her ever again”

Wow, all because she has a fight with Castle? And what’s up with the random quotation mark at the end? Please tell me this isn’t a sign of things to come.

“YOU KNOW WHAT?”

NO WHAT? Is it that you’re an idiot who can’t figure out how to type a story without using all capitals? Even my Grandma who is in her 90’s knows that using all capitals means you are ignorant, uneducated, and just plain rude because your screaming!

“LANEY WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU HOLD EVERY SINGLE LITTLE EMOTION INSIDE”

Wait, who is exactly talking? I have no fraking clue what the sam hill is going on in this story. Is this someone yelling at a brick wall? Could be since obviously the author was too busy having her characters scream at each other to let us know what the heck is going on in this retched story.

“SO?”

I know you are but what am I?

“THAT YOUR PROBLEM KATE YOU WONT LET ANYBODY IN YOU KEEP YOURSELF SO SHELTERED AFRAID THAT YOU MIGHT GET HURT BY SOMEBODY”

You know what the authors problem is? Their problem is they can’t have a normal story that won’t confuse the hell out the readers, let alone use commas, periods or exclamation marks.

“YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH YOU WERENT MY PARTNER THINGS WERE A LOT SIMPLIER WHEN I DIDN’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE OR TELLING SOMEONE TO STAY IN THE CAR STAY BEHIND ME”

Where is my letter opener? There is an author that is just begging for me to stab them with it so they can feel the pain I am feeling right now just reading this piece of steaming crap. And technically, all she has to do is tell Castle to not come back, we all know it worked one time, it will work again. No need for screaming.

“WELL IM SORRY MAYBE I JUST LEAVE AND I WONT COME BACK”

Good and while you are at it Castle, take this piece of crapfic with you and throw it in the garbage.

“GREAT”

“FINE”

“FINE”

Please tell me this is almost over.

CASTLE PICKS UP HIS JACKET AND WALKS OUT OF THE PRECINET KATE SITS DOWN HER DESK STILL FUMMING.

Really? Your continuing the capital letters when it isn’t dialogue? I sure hope for your sake that the caps lock got stuck and you couldn’t get it unstuck and just had to write this before your addled brain forgot what you dreamed up. Read the rest of this entry

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