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Mock the Fic: Whip Cream and Chocolate Suace Part 2


Let me warn you, once you read it, you can’t unread it. Are you sure you want to continue to read this one? Its pretty much pure smut. Oh what the heck, I can’t be the only one suffering.

Stats: Title: Whip cream and chocolate sauce Author: destinysdivaforever Description: Rick Castle discovers he has feelings for Lanie Parish and moves on them. I totally forgot I wrote this. I was shuffling through an old folder and found the last chapters that I hand wrote. So I’ll be typing those up this weekend and posting the rest.  Rated: M

You’ve been forewarned.

Lanie walked down the stair case into the living room with open fire place. The burgundy dress fit every curve perfectly. Castle let out a whistle.

Yes because women loved being whistled at.

“I was thinking.” She took his hand and followed him to the dining room. “You set this whole weekend up didn’t you?”

“How’d you figure it out?” He knew denying it was a waste of time.

That would be because it doesn’t take a bloody genius to figure out.

“There was an entire crew waiting to take over for us and everyone gets the call to a crime scene except me. Rick?” She arches an eye brow. “They call me first.”

There was an entire crew waiting for her? Huh?

“Got me.” He took her hand across the table. “I wanted this weekend. I needed to show you how I felt.”

“Well so far you’re doing a great job of it.” Castle had set the table with her favorite fruits, vegetables, a roasted chicken, and a large bottle of wine.

Wow! A table full of fruits and veggies! How romantic. Nothing says romance like mini corn on the cobs!

“Wow, you really went all out.” He smiled at her. “No strawberries?”

“Ha, I happen to know you are allergic to strawberries Dr. Parish.”

“How did you know?” She watched as he loaded her plate.

That’s because he’s creepy and likes to use the Google.

Read the rest of this entry

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Mock the Fic: Whip Cream and Chocolate Suace


Okay, not that I am a strictly Castle/Beckett shipper (because seriously, the Esposito/Beckett fics are damn hot), but this pairing that our next author picked sorta came out of nowhere. Thus a Lanie/Castle ship. Does that make it a Lastle, or a Canie? I’m going with Canie. It sounds funnier!

Anyways, on with the fic stats!

Stats: Title: Whip cream and chocolate sauce Author: destinysdivaforever Description: Rick Castle discovers he has feelings for Lanie Parish and moves on them. I totally forgot I wrote this. I was shuffling through an old folder and found the last chapters that I hand wrote. So I’ll be typing those up this weekend and posting the rest.  Rated: M

Castle looked at his watch. He was getting nervous. He had paid out the ass for a weekend in the Rockies.

Wow, I hate it when I have to pay with poop. You know, sometimes it’s harder than herding cats in a rainstorm to get change for a turd too.

She was late. If Captain Montgomery couldn’t make his end of the bargain work he could miss his opportunity to make things work. He hoped they didn’t catch a murder.

Does that require a baseball glove for catching murders?

Its New York of course there was a murder.

That’s because people are stuck trying to find a place to get change for a turd.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Not So Forbidden: 41319 Chapter 2


Wow, two post in one week. I’m setting a record!  Sorry folks, this fic has caught my attention and I can’t seem to look away. It’s like a bad SyFy channel Saturday night movie, you keep watching to see how cheesy it gets. Meanwhile, if there is a fic you would like for me to mock, please forward the link to badcastlefic@gmail.com.

Title:Not So Forbidden: 41319 Author: Shiver-n-Shake Summary: Richard Castle realizes that his love for Kate Beckett is more than just a phase…And acts. A horrifying experience makes Kate realize that she must take chances to get what she wants. Rated M for moderately graphic smut and almost-rape. Kate/Rick Rating: M

“This was a mistake.”

No shit, Sherlock. Isn’t it a little late now?

It was two o’clock in the morning and Kate was in Rick Castle’s apartment, specifically his bedroom.

Yes, because every girl wants to sleep in another guy’s bed after she’s almost raped and murdered!

Even more specifically in his bed, in his arms.

Nothing says screwed up quite like this scene.

She had awoken with a start about a half an hour earlier, wondering where the hell she was, before realizing that she had acted impulsively.

Once again, need I dare say, “No friggin shit, Sherlock!”

Richard Castle had told her that he loved her and she said it back.

Really? That’s what you are worried about the most? Oh dear Lord.

That scared Detective Kate Beckett even more than a violent serial killer and an out-of-control truck going against the flow of traffic ever would.

How about rape? Does it scare her more than rape?

Castle stiffened beside her and she froze. He would understand that she was just thinking out loud, right?

Doubt it.

“You can’t be serious, Kate.” He sat up, unshed tears glistening in his wide-open eyes, and placed a hand on each of her shoulders so they were face-to –face. “After all that happened, even you telling me that you loved me?”

Wah huh? Castle is crying?

“Rick-”

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

Well considering there is at least three more chapters after this… Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Not So Forbidden: 41319


Let me quote the wise and wonderful robot named Bender Bending Rodriguez: “I’M BACK BABY!” Well semi back. I apologize for my absence. My laptop has officially died. I had a memorial service for it out in the garden, then buried it, then unburied it when my neighbors all looked at me shifty eyed and accused me of polluting the earth. So much for morning. Sadly, BadCastleFic.com was on that laptop and I’ve been a little busy to try and get it set up on my big computer. So alas, until I get a laptop, I might be limited on updates, unless someone wants to “donate” to the BadCastleFic Laptop fund!

And with my return, I have a doozy of a fic. It has attempted rape (oh trust me, it’s harmless), and cheez-r-rific lines!

Title:Not So Forbidden: 41319 Author: Shiver-n-Shake Summary: Richard Castle realizes that his love for Kate Beckett is more than just a phase…And acts. A horrifying experience makes Kate realize that she must take chances to get what she wants. Rated M for moderately graphic smut and almost-rape. Kate/Rick Rating: M

“Good morning, Detective.” Castle whispered into Kate’s ear, his hot breath sending an involuntary shiver down her spine. “I hear we have a case?”

And why is he whispering in her ear?

“You heard correctly.” Kate spluttered, glaring angrily at Esposito who just smiled back at her.

Since when did Esposito trump Beckett?

The younger agent knew perfectly well that she was trying to keep Castle away from the station that day but had blatantly ignored the order she had given.

Oh that’s right, he has a death wish.

“But you’re not coming with us. Go home, Castle.”

He opened his mouth to protest and she spun around to face him.

That PsychicKate strikes again leaving no one to speak in her wake.

“C’mon Kate.” He pleaded,

Let me break out my Short and Round voice from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: “You call her Detective Beckett! Not Kate!”

the fire in his eyes contradicting the puppy dog pout on his face. “I won’t get in the way, I promise.”

It’s time for a smack down, Beckett style.

“Yeah Kate.” Esposito said, smirking.

It’s time for double smack down, Kate Beckett style! Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 8


I know everyone is going to be sad when I tell you that this is the last of Undercover (or at least until the author gives us more). What are we going to do without Katie snorting coke? Castle being all womanizing? How will my life continue to be lived?

Stats: Title: Undercover Author:silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up!

Katie followed Mr Smith upstairs towards the VIP area… she was nervous;

Please let it be Freddy Kruger waiting for her. Heck, I’d even take Jason.

if Castle had not asked for her soon enough this could get messy.

It would be hysterical if it was some pimp wanting to pimp her out to everyone.

She kept walking up the stair case trying to breathe comfortably in the corset that was pushing her breasts up so high they were screaming to be touched.

Jake Smith opened a curtain to the VIP area and that’s when she was walked right in front of Castle. She smirked a little; he looked fantastic in his black suit with a deep almost black purple shirt. She couldn’t help but think it was the colour that would be on satin bed sheets that were used for dirty sex.

Deep purple satin sheets used for dirty sex? HA HA HA That is too funny. I’m laughing because I know how slick satin sheets can be and I’m imagining them sliding off the bed.

“Richard Castle, meet Katie.” He smiled introducing them, looking into Katie’s eyes, letting her know it was her job to make him happy.

And for once, you really overused a comma. Try some periods.

“Hi Richard…” she smiled looking in his eyes while she accidently licked her lips.

All this lacks is a girly laugh.

“You can call me Rick, please take a seat in my booth I just need one moment with your boss” he smiled politely, watching her walk over to his booth. He watched her walk enjoying every moment of it, until Jake Smith interrupted his thoughts.

“Rick, what can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if you might have something I could get, maybe to enjoy the night a little more?” he asked nodding towards Katie.

Oh great, here comes the coke again. How about some Coke-a-Cola instead?

“Sure I’ll make sure you get something delivered to your table with your next round of drinks. What were you thinking?” he asked quietly

“Sure I’ll make sure ya git sumfin delivered ta yo’ table wiff yo’ next round o’ drinks. What wuz ya thinking all ye damn hood ratz?”

“I’d love 1g if you have it?” he asked referring to cocaine.

1g as in the 1st version of 3G phone service? WTF?!? I may not be up on my drug lingo, but I’m pretty sure that you’d get laughed at by your drug dealer if you asked him for 1g.

“Of course, it will be with you soon, my waiter will come and get a drink order from you soon. The rest will come out with your drinks in between a napkin. Please pull your curtains over a little while you take it he winked.

“Of course, it will be wiff ya soon, muh ma fuckin waiter will come an’ git uh drink order from ya soon. The rest will come out wiff yo’ drinks in between uh napkin. Please pull yo’ curtains over uh little while ya take it all ye damn hood ratz.”(I’m really going to miss the Ebonics translator!) And is he saying that he’s winking?

Castle walked back over to his booth where Katie was leaning back onto the couch leaning on her elbows facing him, her fishnet covered legs crossed facing him. He could see the boots, how high the heels were… it was easy to imagine them digging into his back while he was… damn that was a good image.

What is with this author and her shoes on during sex fetish? Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Castle One Shots part 1


I am going to warn everyone! This next fic is one that will make you want Brain bleach! It’s bad, yo. BAD! This fic officially earns the first annual Brain Bleach award! Congrats! The author should be proud. Please everyone! Read this fic responsibly and have a bottle Jack and a cup of Brain Bleach ready for the ending!

Stats: Title: castle one shots Author:Beckett’sHEART Summary:this is only one shots if you want to write more to it be my guest but contact me first i would love to read what you write. ah! im so bored and this is what happens enjoy this is not only rated m stories others will be added later Rating: M

Castle sat patiently in Beckett’s car waiting for her to take him home. He still did not own a car.

Wow, for a multimillionaire, Castle sure is lazy and cheap.

He seemed to like Beckett driving him from and to his apartment,

I believe you meant to say, “to and from.”

even though she always denied his invitation to join him for a drink.

This fic makes me wish I had a stiff drink.

Today would be different. Beckett really need a drink today. The case today was very stressful.

Me is Captain Caveman. Me is thirsty. Me really need a drink today. Me case was very stressful. Congratulations author, you just made an English teacher cry.

Beckett climbed in to the driver’s seat and started the car. She jumped up when the loud music almost popped her car speakers.

I guess that means she was busted listen to Justin Beiber in her car, blaring from the speakers. Oh and generally, when you jump, you jump up, not down. Therefore, you can get rid of the repetitive word “up.”

She turned it down so that it was only background noise.

Poor Beiber, gets no love.

She looked at castle for a while before bursting out laughing.

Wow, I’m laughing too because you can’t seem to capitalize Castle’s name. I’m sure he’s laughing at your stupidity too.

Castle then joined her, she was laughing so hard she had to hold her stomach. After a good laugh she pulled out of her parking space.

And it’s people like them that makes me want to go all road rage on people when they sit in a parking spot forever and a day.

The drive to his apartment was a bit long because of the traffic.

“so Beckett what are you so happy about I haven’t seen a smile like that on your face since the case about the jewels?” Rick turned to face her and give her his full attention.

1. Capitals! Please capitalize the first word of a sentence! It’s something we all learned how to do in first grade. 2. That sentence needs to be split up into two sentences, and not to mention they need utter help.

Kate licked her lips before answering Castle’s question. “Well I am happy because the case is over and this time I think I will accept you offer to join you for a glass of wine or glasses of wine.”

Oh how classy of her. Invite herself in and ask for not just one glass of wine, but two. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover chapter 7


Okay folks, we have one more chapter left of this fic and it’s done till the author gets off her lazy ass to write more. I know, we are all sad and crying on the inside! I know I am. What am I going to do without my cocaine and stripping Katie fix?

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just

The Dance

Brace yourself folks, it’s going to be bad.

Kate was standing just out of the view of the club members, waiting to be called out onto stage, or the podium to dance.

Or the platform. Or maybe the aisle. You’re the author, your should know where she’s going to be dancing. I can assure you, it probably not a dance hall with square dancing.

She was nervous, but felt oddly calm after having the cocaine.

Oh yes, like the cocaine is going to make you feel so much more calmer.

She listened to the song end and the DJ get on the microphone… “Aight, you ain’t seen nuttin till you seen my girl Katie. She gonna bring you some lovin’ if you’re a rude boy, show em Katie”

“Aight, ya ain’t seen nuttin till ya seen muh ma fuckin ho Katie. She gonna bring ya some lovin’ if you uh rude boy, show em Katie don’t make me shank ya!”

She heard the start of her music, and started walking out fast,

Please tell me she falls flat on her face! PLEASE!

it looked like a strut, due to the thigh high boots, they had heels and a big leather zip down the inside of her leg.

She looked like a chicken strutting? Wow, does she make clucking sounds too?

She got to the podium as the first part of the lyrics played.

Oh noes! Before she’s ready too! Let’s see what crappy song was picked. Read the rest of this entry

Guest Mock the Fic: Storming the Castle


Happy Holliday Sunday! I hope everyone got really drunk yesterday because the morning is here to rear its ugly head with a really bad sex fic. When I say it’s bad, I mean beyond words bad! We have sex grease (it’s like the french fry grease at McDonalds if someone masturbated in it and smeared it all over their partner). So without adieu, Becks is back to Guest mock another really bad fic for us!

Stats: Title: Storming The Castle Author: Midknight Summary: SPOILER WARNING: SEASON 1, GENERAL – After a particularly good night, Kate decides to indulge herself and makes Castle an offer he simply can’t refuse. Rating: NC17

AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first Castle fic. I apologize before hand

As well you should.


“I hope the guys get home okay.” Kate noted as Castle poured her another Scotch at her request. “I had the doorman put them in a cab with directions. They’ll be okay.” He responded and they both took a sip from their respective drinks.

Story writing 101: A new speaker gets a new paragraph.

She relaxed back on the soft, leather sofa as she watched him go off to clean up the remnants of their poker game.

Thanks for helping with the cleanup, bitch.

She’d had just a little too much to drink, they all had. The bottle of eighteen year old single malt Scotch he’d presented them with on arrival had seen to that.

What, they each got their own bottle?! Hot damn, I need to start showing up to more of Castle’s poker games.

No one had felt guilty about indulging. The drinks he had just poured them were from a fresh bottle.

It had been a good night and she was a little sorry to see it coming to an end. They’d managed to close a tricky case that very morning, once again thanks to Castle’s involvement. Kate was starting to wonder who exactly the consultant was and who the consultee.

Right, because God knows KBecks couldn’t solve a case before Castle showed up. Everybody knows women need a strong guiding hand. You know what would really improve this show? If he would hurry up and marry her so she could get her ass back into the kitchen where she belongs.

She’d always known he was a good writer, she just thought he was creative and did thorough research, but he had an amazing mind and although she’d walk over hot coals and broken glass before she admitted it.

Either there’s a random conjunction in there somewhere, or half the sentence is missing. Either way, KBecks has mentioned many times in the past that she appreciates Castle’s intelligence, when he chooses to exhibit it. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 5


It’s that time again, time for more undercover pole dancing. I know you all are so excited and thrilled to see this story back. Have patients my intellegent readers, we are working our way up to the lines of coke snorting and making out scene. We should hit it this weekend, which gives everyone plenty of time to sharpen their sporks for some eye poking adventures!

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just

Thursday at the Precinct

Ah Thursdays. Damn, there is no Thursday song for me to sing.

Kate was late to work, she knew it would bother Castle more than anyone, and that was the aim of the game.

Sure you say this now, but you won’t be so proud when you get written up by that cranky HR woman who is pissed because of this whole HR disaster of a situation.

She wanted him to be sitting restlessly waiting for her to arrive. She was only 30 minutes late, and that would be enough for him to go just a little crazy, but most importantly it would be enough time for her to finish applying her make-up after her long shower.

Sorry Becks, but no matter how long you take that shower for, you will still smell like the Astroglide on the stripper pole and the Tiger Balm for your muscles. Phew, you’re smelly. Better watch it, you might offend someone.

Kate walked into the precinct with confidence; she looked hot and felt it too.

No that’s just the embarrassment seeping through.

Her muscles were sore after all of the pole dancing she had been doing but once she put on that green and black lingerie she felt like sex on heals.

Okay if you’re only wearing the green and black lingerie and heels (notice its heels and not heals like healing) then that HR woman is really going to be pissed. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 4


I’m not going to lie folks. This chapter is all one big long phone sex call with no happy ending. I wish it was more, but it’s not. Its just a long phone sex call.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Picking up the phone she answered “Castle, it’s been a long day.”

That’s code for HBIC danced all night.

He smiled to himself “Oh I bet it has, I just never got the chance to find out how your performance went at the club today. Would you care to share the information Detective?”

What more is there to share? She danced and twirled around a pole.

‘Damn him’ she thought “Castle I got the job and will be started on Friday night at 9pm” that was really all the information he needed to know right now.

See I told you!

It had been a long day. She slid lower into the water enjoying the feel of it against her body and the sound splash softly against the edge of the bath.

Splish splash I was taking a bath.

Castle heard water… “Where are you right now…?” He smiled to himself hoping she was in fact where he imagined.

Wait! She’s talking to him while taking a bath? Do you know how many people drop their phones in the bathtub? Okay it’s probably not as many numbers as people who drop them in the toilet, but still. Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 3


I’m not sure which is worse, the real person fic, or this story? Seriously, it’s a toss up. I don’t care if you are from Australian (and no offense to some Australian writers, but why are a good chunk of the ones on this site that we mock are from Australia?) but do your effing research on police department personnel going undercover and their procedures and processes. I may not be a cop, but even I know that homicide detectives don’t go undercover and do drugs. Okay, my rant is over, for this chapter at least!

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Wednesday Morning

Happy Hump Day folks! How about some stripping fic?

Work work work work, work work work work…

In the immortal words of Jimmy Buffett: “Work, work, work. I hate my job and my boss is a jerk.”

that word was running over and over again through Beckett’s head.

I guess that’s better than “shake hips 1 2 3. Shimmy 1 2 3.”

It was much easier to hear that word over and over again, like a child would say it until their parents were so frustrated they screamed.

So it’s easier to say it over and over than to make your parents scream? Huh?

Much easier than thinking about her new found pole dancing ‘career’ and the fear of stripping down to lingerie at 3pm today for a job interview.

Eeehh, I’ve been through more hellish interviews before. You should try applying for McDonalds and you will only wish you could use those pole dancing moves.

Much easier than the possibility of giving Castle a lap dance on Friday night.

I wonder if he will be having another party in his pants again?

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Undercover Chapter 2


I would really love to say that this fic gets better,  but alas, it doesn’t. Sorry. So if you like your Beckett kind of slutty and pole dancing, and Castle to have a party in his pants, then this fic is for you. Otherwise, you will enjoy the mock.

Stats: Title: Undercover Author: silkysexybitch Summary: Beckett and Castle go undercover to bring down a drug kinpin. Beckett has to learn to pole dance, and Castle has to fight not to lose control. Chapter 5, 6 and 7 are up! I just loved all the reviews, and couldnt help myself :D Rating: M

Tuesday Morning

Well Tuesday’s suck. It’s a day that just has no meaning.

Beckett walked into the precinct knowing she had one dance lesson and a shopping trip with Castle to get over with today.

Well I don’t know about you, but I’m not one to pass up an employee discount at Vicky Secrets.

What kind of captain would allow a man like Castle to shop for lingerie with his detective?

One that just loves filling out sexual harassment paperwork.

Perhaps one who didn’t mind challenging her limits?

No, just the paperwork. Montgomery just love paperwork and making the HR woman all pissy.

Either way it looked like it could be a long day ahead. Taking a seat at her desk sipping a hot coffee that was running out too quickly she set into some serious research on her background story for tomorrow’s interview.

Woman! Get back on the pole instead of police work! What do you think they pay you for?

She was 28 years old, internally she was happy about that, and her name was Katie.

Okay what? Is her body feeling older than her actually age? I hate it when that happens. Maybe some more Tiger Balm will help her feel younger.

Read the rest of this entry

Mock the Fic: Whoa!


After the last two mocks of this authors works, its seems my readers can’t get enough of the badfics this person writes and wants more! By special request from MysteryCastleFanFic 3000. You ask and you shall receive. This one is another Pedobear Approved and Lemon Seal fic.

Stats: Title: Whoa! Author: iiLoveeYoouuCastlee Summary: After my thirty-two continuous phone calls to Katherine Beckett, I decided to go over to her apartment. Richard Castles P.O.V. Lemon-dont like them, dont read this! Casketty goodness! OOC slightly. One-Shot unless fans request sequel!  Rating: M


“Kate?” I called into her apartment, unlocking the door with the key I found under the mat.

Really? Our HBIC hides her key under her mat? That’s just asking for someone like Castle to break in. She should at least have a hide a key rock for her apartment. Nothing looks less conspicuous than a key under the mat than a hide a key rock.

I didn’t think she was home because she didn’t answer the door, or the thirty-two calls I gave to her mobile.

Stalker!

I was truly worried about her, and my heart felt like it had fallen off the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You know, we keep telling you

I walked through her apartment, taking in all the features. The apartment’s main colours were red and white, and it was nicely furnished. Glossed tables and chairs adorned the main room, and a spotless television was up against the wall.

I would hope it would be a spotless television because I would hate to pay god money for a tv with spots all over it.

Kate’s apartment didn’t have any particular style; but I loved it.

Okay Mr. Castile, you need to learn to never tell that to a woman. Otherwise, you won’t get any sex for a long time.

I pattered lightly past the bathroom, and my heart sank further, if at all possible, at the sound.

Quick Castle, grab the air freshener.

Read the rest of this entry

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